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my grandpa is dieing

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Monique_Massacre, Feb 14, 2008.

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  1. my grandpa is in the hospital again he has cancer and he might not make it this time .. he when in for surgery and he got to go home and he got sick and he kept geting sicker so now he is in the hospital in billings and they are thinking he is not gonna make it i cant even go see him because we dont have enough money to get to billings from here i have never experienced a death in my family *cept my grat grandma who i didnt know who died when i was very little so i dont remember it to well* i dont know how to deal with this i am scared and sad and upset.... i dont want to go to his funeral .. :tears: :tears: :tears: :tears: :tears: :tears: :tears: :tears: :tears: :tears: :tears: :tears: :tears: :tears: :tears: :icon_sad: :help: :tears: :tears: :tears:
     
  2. Miaplacidus

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    *huggles* I don't know what else to say :frowning2:
     
  3. Louise

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    (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) I have had to face death in my life and at the moment a close friend of mine is dying of cancer.

    I am going to be quite harsh here but I think it is important to say this: Everything hinges on your attitude to the death of your grandpa. This attitude is yours to chose.

    The easy way is to say 'oh woe is me, my grandpa is dying, what will I do with out my grandpa, ohh my grandpa will never see what I do with my life, etc. etc.' This attitude will break your heart and drag you down to a place where you won't necessarily be able to come back from but... you will have the comfort of wallowing in self pity.

    The other is much harder you can say... "I am lucky to have known my grandpa, he bought me this that and the other in my life, he did this, he did that, he was always laughing, he took me here and we had such a laugh, I remember when he tripped over the step and spilled the drinks on grandma, etc". Do you see what I mean?

    You grandpa had a life, he did things, he bought joy to people you have to remember all this and have joy in your heart.

    You have to consciously chase from your mind the times your grandpa was grumpy or mean or told you off or punished you. That is in the past it is finished nothing can change that so forget it, that's not important. Remembering all the positive things about him is what is important now.

    I don't know if your grandpa is very old but his is obviously suffering from his cancer so one bright thing is that he won't be suffering any more. I know this is cold comfort but take it for what it is. Anything positive can help you through this time.

    My friend (only 55) who is dying lives in America and she came over to France to visit Paris one more time (on Valentines day) with her husband of 35 years and to see me to say goodbye. Her attitude to her coming death has been an inspiration for me. Coming to France has tired her immensly (and undoubtedly shortened her life) but she wants to live the last days/weeks maybe even months? to the full.

    As for the funeral, it is important psychologically to go... if you can. You don't want to live with regrets for the rest of your life that you didn't attend. Having said that if you risk to have a full blown psychological breakdown your grandpa will understand. He will see your distress, he knows how much you love him. Funerals are for the people left behind so that they can turn the page. If you don't feel the need or the strength to be able to attend then don't. Talk to your grandpa (metaphysically) and tell him how much you love him, how much you will miss him and say goodbye to him in YOUR own way.

    Tradition and custom are not important, being able to turn the page and get on with your life are what count.

    I say these things because I truely believe that we have a spirit (soul) and a body. Our bodies are fleshy envelopes that house our souls. Your grandpa's body is tired and ill but his spirit, the man he is still remains in the hearts and minds of the people who knew him and loved him. As long as you remember him and keep him in your heart he is still there, he exists, not as a physical presence, but his spirit lives on. I think you can talk to these spirits and say what you need to say in order to get closure and move on with your life.

    I don't know if any of this will be of help to you. I hope so, death is such a hard thing to cope with. My love to your mum or dad, whoever it is who is losing their dad :icon_sad:

    Good luck (*hug*)
     
  4. pirateninja

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    I think Louise has got it bang on the nose. I've had to deal with the death of my own grandfather, who succumbed to bone cancer back in 2004. All I can say is that, no, it's not easy losing someone, but you heal, you move on. It doesn't mean you miss them any less, or don't think about them anymore, but you can't spend forever wallowing in pity. Forgive me if that sounds harsh but it is true.

    I can understand how bad it must feel now, and I am truly sorry to hear about your grandfather. In terms of contacting him now, can you send a letter to him even if you can't see him?

    Best of luck.
     
  5. GlindaRose

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    I'm so sorry to hear about your grandfather. I don't really know what to say, I can't really empathise because something like that has never really happened to me. However I think Louise's advice is really good. *hugs*
     
  6. SpikySpice

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    Im so sorry Monique, I never saw you break down like this before....:frowning2:(*hug*)

    Buddy.....everybody will have to complete the life cycle....I know how it feels, you need to face the fact. But you also need to talk to your family who may also feels teh same liek you rigth now, and they can help you gettign through this. It's your 1st time, so it's a deep cut, but you know, you have to let it go

    And for teh funeral, I agreed with Louise, becasue you rather attend it than to stay home..... It's oen of teh saddest moment when attending funeral, but everybody has to..especailly you are his granddaughter. Be strong, it's hard to take, but you will be gald that you attend because if you dont, you will be regreted

    I expereinced this twice when I was a kid, and I once just jumped on my bed and cried... it was teh tiem i saw teh real Death that came and took my grandma's siter away right in front of my eyes..

    I hope you will attend teh funeral, and hoep you will feel better soon after that:slight_smile:(*hug*)

    RIP Monique's grandpa
     
  7. beckyg

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    I'm so sorry Monique. If its his time to go, you can participate in your grandfather's service and it will make you feel better about his transitioning. When my Grandma was dying, I used my computer to print copies of her picture and took them to the hospital and passed them out. It seemed to help alot to remember Grandma when she was smiling and happy instead of laying in a hospital bed. I also wrote both of my grandmother's obituaries. The funeral director said that it was one of the best he's ever read. Others contributed too. My cousin wrote a great eulogy for my Grandma that had us all laughing when we were remembering all the good times with her. I really felt Grandma was there too. There was a time during the service that a big block of snow fell off the roof causing a big bang that made us all jump. :roflmao: I could hear Grandma's laugh when we were reminiscing too.

    At my other Grandma's funeral, I was sitting there and I noticed two fake pieces of shrubery on each side of the church. I said to her "Grandma if you are here, make that bush move." No kidding, it moved!!! I joked afterward that she needed to help me move the big Bush out of the White House! :roflmao:

    So as hard as death is, it can be a really moving experience too. It brings family closer together and you love and appreciate eachother more.
     
  8. Bromptonrocks

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    I'm so sorry Monique. Louise is spot on. Our departed friends and relatives live on in our thoughts. They never truly leave us but are there always. As for the funeral - that is a decision you will have to make but don't decide to stay at home and then regret it evermore. A funeral is a time for showing our last respects and for closure - however, your grandpa will understand whatever you decide. Good luck and my prayers are with you, your grandpa and the rest of his family xxx..
     
  9. Paul_UK

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    Everyone above has given some wonderful advice, and there is really nothing I can add.

    I will highlight pirateninja's suggestion about writing him a letter as you can't visit him in person. This would be a good way to thank him for all he has done and tell him how much he means to you. He will definitely appreciate it.

    (*hug*)
     
  10. ebra

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    aww tough situation monique. I dont really know what to say...my best friend died of a heart condition when i was 14...i didnt get to see her before she died. I remember the last thing I wanted to hear is that people were sorry...so im not going to say it now. it is no ones fault that this is happening. it just happens. i didnt see her at all when she was sick, and that has messed me up in alot of ways, and probably will continue to do so, until i get some kind of closure...but i knew she was dying and i made my mom promise me that no matter what it took that my mom would make me go to the funeral. she almost backed out of that promise, but i went anyways and it was the best thing that i could have done, it gave me, just like louise said, the closure i needed with that to be able to move on as much as i could to survive. i also felt that she deserved me being there, that i owed her that much, to pay my last respects. hahaha we ended up all standing around the casket making jokes and laughing and just moving on. my grandma died a little while after that as well...

    you have to do whatever you think is the best for you. funerals arnt scary, and you should be so happy that you havnt had to deal with this until now. be thankful for that. and like people have said, take comfort in the fact that your grandpa has had a life, has experienced things, and has left a wonderful family and grandchildren like you to mourn for him.

    there is no way in knowing how you are going to deal with it, and there is no way of preparing yourself. it just kinda happens and survival insticnt takes over. just know that no matter what you do, as long as it is right for you to move on and for you to be okay that is all that matters, no matter what anyone says.

    were all here for you my dear. best of luck. my thoughts are with you!
     
  11. Wolfbane

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    Hey monique, this is a hard pill to swallow. I know you and him were probably close, and that its hard to know that he might not make it out. Everyone's path splits at some time, and it is quite possible that his path is taking a different route than yours, maybe he is meant to pass on. Please understand that while he is in the hospital, i doubt he is happy to be in a bed, and I doubt that he is in pleasure at the moment, maybe his passin will be his body's way of removing that pain....maybe others are on the other side waiting for him....it depends on your religion. Regardless though, you have to agree that he at least wont be in so much pain anymore, no longer will pain cause him weariness. The best things you can do is remember him as he was, full of life, a spark of excitement dancing in his eyes, remember his voice, remember the times you spent with him....and always know that he is/was the best grandfather he knew how to be. Heh, i'm crying writing this for you, but remember that he'll always be there in your heart.

    He'll be there for you to remember, to think of, to give you strength. Remember some of the tasks he had to do....and how his strength pulled him through and try to do the same....replicate his strength and use that.

    If you can sometime go see him....dont ask him not to go, but ask him to remember you, ask him to be happy. Things wont always last forever, but you have to smile about how good they were when they were here. Even if you can't go to see him, know in your heart he'll remember you, and he'll be happy. dont question how you feel, its normal. I've gone through the death of my grandmother, my aunt, my godmother, my other aunt, my cousin, and my uncle all to cancer....so I know how much it hurts.

    As for the funeral, you dont have to go if you dont want to...its an Earthly tradition....if you do go, you could thank him for all the good times and thank him for being there.....and whatever else you wish tos ay.....whatever your religion is, it will play a big role on what happens and how you feel. It'll affect what you think happens to him after death...but that is up to you.

    I hope you are ok, and I hope you can take some help from this. May happiness find you in good haste. *hugs and hugs and hugs*
     
  12. beckyg

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    Wolfbane, as I was reading your post, I thought this guy has been through this. He knows the pain of losing somebody he loves. You are wise beyond your years. Have you ever thought of volunteering for hospice? You have just the kind of compassionate and caring soul to do this! And you have something else, the ability to respect everyone's beliefs and religions!
     
  13. biisme

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    i hope he gets well.

    :kiss: (*hug*) :kiss: (*hug*) :kiss: (*hug*)
     
  14. Pepsi

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    Im so sorry, I hope everything turns out ok (&&&)
     
  15. Astaroth

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    Awww, I'm so sorry, Monique! If you need to talk, you know where to find me. (*hug*)
     
  16. Wired106

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    I'm so sorry :frowning2: . I'm going through the same sort of thing with my grandma :*( . Shes been going up and down and it turns out the doctors found out she has dementia and shes starting to lose her memory. It's so sad. I remember last year when I was at school and it just started and she had a stroke and she was in the hospital but I still went to school the next day, but I started crying in class. It's so hard to deal with family members dieing. She got better but now shes starting to slowly lose her memory. Anyways I havn't lost any family memebers or anyone really close to me except my grandpa but he died when I was only 2 months old. Anyways, I'll be thinking of you and I hope everything goes good.
     
  17. Nicolio

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    Monique, this is Nicole from school... Whenever your feeling sad, I'm here for you. Remember, everyone passes away. Your grampa will be in a more beautiful, happy place. His pain will have ended and his spirit will live on. He will no longer have to deal with the miseries of this world. You'll be there too one day, and you will see him again. As i said before, this departure is only temporary. Your grampa will always love you!

    Tare care Monique... Your friend Nicole,
    (lets hang out sometime.) (*hug*)
     
  18. Bader

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    everyone dies, and iam sorry.
    i think thats all i could say
    i hope he gets better !
     
  19. josephaustin92

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    i know this is going to be a hard time for you so if you need to talk you have my msn(*hug*)
     
  20. Samus610

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    Monique, I've dealed with this before with my grandfather and now my grandmother. I know how hard it is to deal with. It sucks but like Wolfbane said the best thing you can do is remember him. And you don't have to go to the funeral if you don't want to. But what I do when I think about my grandparents is the fact that they are watching me. When your grandfather passes, though I hope he continues to live, he will be watching every single accomplishment that you do and he will be proud. It really depends on your religion too. But I bet he will always remember the wonderful person that you are even after death and is love for you will continue. I really hope this helps.
     
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