I almost attempted it about 10 years ago. If my friend hasn't found me in my car, I was going to swallow a bunch of pills. As for now...the thought is there, yes. I don't think I would act upon it... I'm working on it with my therapist, though.
I've felt suicidal, some days I thought I would actually go through with it, but eventually I just had to think what it was that was making me suicidal (which was not wanting to be gay) and think about it in contrast to the good I have in my life. Now I can't even picture myself doing it. No matter how down I feel at times, or how often the prospect of a future life alone, childless, not married etc. pops into my head, suicide is never something I would do because it means that I've been defeated. Some days the fight doesn't feel worth it, but I know if I win it then my life can be good.
No exaggerations ahead: About 2 years ago I spent every conscious moment thinking about suicide. I could function normally, but there wasn't a moment where the concept of suicide, the reactions people would have if I did kill myself, reason I should kill myself, and effective methods to do so did not appear in my thoughts. Primarily my thoughts were along the lines of "I am a worthless fool who deserves to die." Even during drug induced altered states of consciousness. I went to multiple therapists and tried multiple SSRI's, SNRI's, and even a few tricyclic antidepressants. On therapist threatened to have me committed if I didn't take a particular antipsychotic called oxcarbazepine, which by he way is only approved for treating epilepsy. I tried to kill myself a couple times. First time I was going to inject liquid butane into my carotid artery. Second, I planned to eat 20 castor beans, which contain the toxic protein ricin. My parents caught me each time. Eventually I had a particular experience which broke my suicidal thoughts and convinced me that life is worth living, however the thoughts linger. It seems like every time I'm wronged, embarrassed, or otherwise made upset, I'll instantly think "I should just die," muse the thought for a few minutes, then pretend the idea never came to me. This was actually my second bout with being suicidal. Not wanting to be gay was why I wanted to kill myself the first time at the age of 13.
I've felt suicidal several times this year and last. I believe I am better for the time being, but I feel like the thought still lingers from time to time.
i tried many times from when i was 12 - 17. i dont want to go into details though for fear of triggering someone!
If someone's prone to experiencing suicidal thoughts upon reading accounts of other people's experiences with suicide, they probably shouldn't be reading a thread specifically about sharing your experiences with suicide. If you really don't want to post it here though, you could use http ://www. pastebin.com I would very much like to read your specific experiences.
im scared to say anything incase some things arent allowed on the board cuz it would be quite graphic.... and isnt this a bit.... morbid maybe? people as young a 13 use this forum and im not sure its really appropriate for the board at all for me to post that kind of thing.... just me though :s just curious as to why youre interested in others experiences.....?
Well, yes, this is morbid. It's about killing yourself, but it's a very pervasive topic and one I think should be discussed. I also think that 13 is plenty old enough to start learning about suicide and death, though I realize I'm in no position to dictate the content of this board. That's why I suggested pastebin.com You can type out your experience there, save the paste, anonymously, and then paste the URL here. You can add a warning like "Hey, this talks about suicide" if you should so desire. I am simply curious because my own suicidal tendencies are recurring and for some reason, reading other people's experiences and sharing my own is comforting to me.
If it's morbid, don't post it please. Even if it's in spoilers or some other form that can't immediately be seen, it's still triggering to many people. Yes, I understand that it's their choice to look at the stories, but that doesn't mitigate the fact that it's triggering. EC as a community is a safe space and has always had a welcoming feel to it. Half the reason we (the community, not the staff) minimize posting triggering topics is because it takes away from the "haven" feeling that many people get here. If your suicidal tendencies are recurring, I'd suggest you talk with an Advisor here on EC, or better yet, a counsellor/therapist in real life. EC is here for support, but I don't think fixating on suicidal stories when you're feeling suicidal yourself is particularly healthy. I'm not sure how old you are or how long this has been going on, but talking with counsellors/therapists is a process that takes time. There's no guarantee that the first, second, even tenth one you'll talk to will be helpful, but if you can see the potential in talking with someone, keep trying to find a person that is helpful to you.
So, I'm assuming that's a no to the Pastebin thing...? I agree with you plasticcrows, I find it very therapeutic to share my story and hear others, but I understand that the safety of our fellow members is the primary concern.
I'm not sure about the Pastebin thing to be honest (because I've never used it), but we'll discuss it and get back to everyone soon enough. In the meantime, probably safe to assume it's a "no".
My auntie and my mom's friend did (a few years apart)... we were just mad at them for choosing the easy way out and leaving us to pick up the pieces, especially considering her friend killed herself for almost no reason. We were devastated.
When I was about twelve or thirteen, I ideated suicide. This stemmed from familial problems surrounding my parents' separation and increasing issues with my mother. I was never suicidal, but I did go so far as to write angsty attempts at poetry expressing my feelings. Whilst I have not had trouble with depression or self-harm of any sort for most of 2012 and had not thought of suicide for some time before that, I discovered recently that I do have lingering triggers which are not pleasent in the middle of a science class. However, I am working on coping methods should that happen again and I think I can safely say that I am over suicidal feelings and am very glad I never attempted it.
I understand. I have to admit the idea of triggering is foreign to me. I've never been 'triggered' by anything online. Aye. It does seem counterproductive. What is an advisor? A real person that actually listens to people whine about their lives? If this thread conflicts with EC's mores, then feel free to delete it.
I have always thought about it. Recently though, the idea has become increasingly present in my minds eye. I don't want to die necessarily, but I don't want to live. I'm tired and want to take a long nap. Suicide could provide this, but I know I'll never wake up. I'll never amount to anything.
