1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Outed to Mom by a Google search

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Epipleptic, Nov 27, 2012.

  1. Epipleptic

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 19, 2012
    Messages:
    79
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NYC metro area
    What I didn't want to happen has happened. My mom did some Internet detective work and found the page for the LGBT group I've been attending and figured out where I was going. She had no clue I was gay. She was shocked. She was upset. She felt bad. I feel bad. She didn't deserve to find out that way.

    She has known for a about two weeks. After I went on another event recently it just sort of "came out" of her. She questioned if I really wanted that "lifestyle." She wondered how I could be gay when I do no appear stereotypically gay. She was afraid I had convinced myself I was gay. She was crying. She brought up "same sex attraction." She told me I'm her son. She suggested therapy (not in a negative way). She was relieved that my meeting were strictly friendly. She was concerned I commit suicide. For some reason, she assured me she'd keep it from my brother, which is surprising because I don't really foresee any issues with him. I never asked if she told my dad, the reason is that I don't really care if he knows and I didn't want it to seem like I did.

    I don't know what to do going forward. I wanted to have this conversation in the future. I wanted to do it right. Now, it's all blown up. I feel like her finding out on Google has forever damaged how she'll understand my being gay. It makes seems like a shameful secret, a taboo. It's not. I need to correct this. I have to set it right. I know she's troubled by it.

    Thanks for reading.
     
  2. Lucky Oshawott

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 25, 2012
    Messages:
    132
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    London
    Firstly, I Just Wanted To Say How Sorry I Am To Hear This. Nobody Would Want People To Find It Out This Way, And I Can't Even Imagine How You're Feeling Right Now. But I Can Tell You This: Take Your Mum (English ;P) And Sit With Her, Explain Ecerything To Her And How Upset You Are That You Are That She Had To Know This Way. But Try To Explain To Her That It's An Ok Thing And That You Love Her. She Sounds Like She Cares About You A Lot But (Sorry If I Have Taken This The Wrong Way) It Seems Like She Doesn't Really Have The Right Understanding Of Gay People Yet. Tell Her That You Could Not Control It. I Know This Sounds Strange, But Don't Say That You're Sorry For Being Gay, It Just Seems Like You're Then Apologising For Something That Wasn't Your Own Fault. I'm Sure That Give Time, She Will Understand You. Hope This Helps.
     
  3. Bree

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2012
    Messages:
    657
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    BC, Canada
    Just for future reference, it's really hard to read what you've written when you capitalize everything. I tried twice and then gave up.

    Epipleptic:
    Why not sit down with your mom AND your brother and talk about it? With only her knowing, it makes it feel more secret and taboo. She needs to figure out that it's just a part of who you are, not something hidden to be ashamed of.
     
  4. Pret Allez

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2012
    Messages:
    6,785
    Likes Received:
    67
    Location:
    Seattle, WA
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    You need to set your mom straight on some things. Being gay doesn't make you broken. And the reason why you're on the internet looking for resources is because of the risk of rejection and ostracism we face. You kept it on the down-low because you didn't feel safe to come out, and who's fault is that?

    Here's a hint: not yours.

    Second, it's not a lifestyle. It's just who you're attracted to.

    Third, all suggestions that you need therapy for homosexuality are negative and abusive. Now, that doesn't mean that suggestions for therapy about things related to homosexuality, like anxiety over coming out, rejection, shame, and fear are negative or abusive. In fact, sometimes they can be quite necessary to address with therapy. But the notion that homosexuality is a "problem" to be "fixed" is not supported in the scientific literature, and it is either ignorant or abusive to suggest it for a son.
     
  5. Epipleptic

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 19, 2012
    Messages:
    79
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NYC metro area
    Thanks guys. She said we could talk whenever I was ready. I already hardly slept last night. I don't want to get into it today but I don't want to wait and let this fester. Actually, I'd like to just come out to my brother first but I don't know when we'll have time to ourselves. Hopefully, it would work out. And it could boost my confidence if it goes well and perhaps make it easier on my mom. I'm going to assume my dad knows but is understanding enough to know to just let me be and I'll tell him/them when I'm ready.

    Don't worry, Pret, no conversion therapy was mentioned and if push comes to shove and I end up going to therapy with my parents, I'll insist on it being an LGBT friendly one. I'm also looking into PFLAG.