1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

12 year old son came out last night

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Sethdad, Nov 27, 2012.

  1. Sethdad

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2012
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Madison wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    My wife and I have several close gay friends and have always taught our children to accept people for the people they are. Last night before my son went to bed, he told his mother and I that he would like to talk with us when we had a minute. Now I've always had pretty good "gay-dar" but in this case I didn't suspect it, but it didn't surprise me and has been more of a shock if that makes any sense. I don't know why I'm so emotional about this. My wife and I didn't really react much more than hugs and really only a five minute conversation. I have to believe we must be doing something right if our 12 year old is comfortable enough to be so matter of fact about this right? So why is my brain so tormented about something that I believe to be completely normal. The kid is so self aware I don't think he understands the bomb he just dropped on us. If anyone would have asked us prior to my sons coming out how we would react, we would have never have expected this. My wife went to bed and I got drunk and just zoned for a while. I have always supported the gay community, now I need support from you to help me with these first steps in but I really don't know what questions I have to ask and I really don't know exactly why my head is so conflicted. -Seth proud parent
     
  2. MaggieMay

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 25, 2012
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Hello! I am here for the same reason and understand exactly what you are going through. I have a thread started from a couple days ago if you want to read through it. I am very conflicted as well and running the gamut of emotions.
     
  3. BudderMC

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2010
    Messages:
    3,148
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Ontario, Canada
    Welcome to EC!

    First off, I want to thank you for being accepting of your son. At the end of the day (and as you'll see soon enough after more people post), that's all you really need to do - love and accept him.

    As society (or certain parts of it) become more and more accepting and homosexuality is less tabooed, we're noticing more kids coming out at younger ages since it's not something nearly as frowned upon as before. So yeah, if you're maintaining an environment where he felt comfortable enough to come out to you as young as 12, you're certainly doing something right.

    Part of it is that many supportive people are supportive of LGBT rights, but the game changes when someone you know comes out. With your son, part of it is because you (and your wife presumably) had an idea in your mind of how he would grow up, find a girl, live the American dream... and the thing is, when he came out to you last night, all of that got shattered. Don't get me wrong; he can still have all of that (just substitute wife for husband :grin:), but now you need to do some reevaluating of who you think he is. So remember: he's still the same great kid you knew before.

    If you're looking for information, a good place to start is our resources page. It's got some coming-out stories from people who have come out themselves as well as parents. It also has some other information on miscellaneous topics that you may find useful.

    Another good resource would be the PFLAG (parents, family and friends of lesbians and gays) group. They're big advocates for LGBT rights and a great support if you (or your wife) feel you need support. The link I posted is also for the one in Madison, so it may be worth checking them out.

    Additionally, I don't know how your son is feeling, but if you're comfortable you could recommend the forums to him. We don't typically allow people under 13 to join, but if you discuss with the staff beforehand and grant him permission we can work things out. If you're interested in that, feel free to PM any of the staff or post in the "Ask The Staff" subforum - just arrange with us before he joins.

    That said, if you have any other questions, you're more than welcome to keep posting here. There is no shortage of people here who can share their accounts and help quell your fears. If you want to talk to someone personally, you're welcome to PM any of the staff as well (unfortunately, regular members can only PM the staff for security reasons).

    And above all else, remember this: you are being a great dad and your son is gonna be alright. :slight_smile:
     
  4. Sethdad

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2012
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Madison wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Oh and why do I even feel like he dropped a bomb??? I guess I don't have any parenting experience on this one. I just want him to be happy and successful and am concerned that maybe I have some latent-chauvinism or something. I'm having selfish feelings about prom and grandchildren and it hasn't even been 24 hrs.
     
  5. BudderMC

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2010
    Messages:
    3,148
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Ontario, Canada
    Like I said - he (inadvertently) shattered your whole image of who he was. All of the hopes and dreams and aspirations of what you vaguely thought would happen well... society leads us to believe that gay people have to lead some sort of "different" life. And we don't. He can still have a successful career, can still go to prom, can still get married, can still have grandchildren... it just might not happen in the exact same manner the vast majority of people do, but it can happen.

    Nothing you're thinking is selfish, so don't feel bad. But remember that there's nothing wrong with living a little different from the grain... and that applies even if your son was straight. :slight_smile:
     
  6. Sethdad

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2012
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Madison wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    I know, thank you so much. Everyone I could talk to is at work at the moment and I really appreciate such prompt reply. It's just a big bad world out there and I don't know that he understands the gravity. Alas it is better now than in the 90's when my wife and my peers were coming out, so I just need to be patient in letting my brain rewire itself. Whew! I've been sporadically crying a lot and your reply really calmed me down. I need to get my eyes straight before my son and daughter get home from school.
     
  7. scare

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2012
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I'm not a father, I don't have the same problem but you can look this video.
    Coming Out with Mom - YouTube

    It's a little long but it is worth of watching.. :slight_smile:
     
  8. FishMan27

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2012
    Messages:
    216
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Minnesota
    I think that's really cool that your son felt comfortable enough to come out to you at age 12! That's how old I was when I first had a feeling something was different, and I still didn't even know what that feeling was.

    Regarding things like prom, I can say that I've been to prom twice, once as a freshman and once as a junior. I wasn't out at all at the time, but I didn't feel too weird about going with girls. We weren't going as a couple. We were going as friends. In fact, I can't say I've had a burning desire to start any kind of relationship in high school because I don't see it going anywhere once I go off to college. It's the kind of thing that I've often pondered. As a society, we've established certain gender roles and norms that a lot of people (including myself) feel or felt they have or had to conform to. Thankfully, things are changing, but we still have some progress to be made.

    When I came out to my parents, they were extremely surprised because I am very masculine and don't really show any obvious "signs" of being gay. Actually, my brother is the more flamboyant one (and he's straight, as far as any of us know). They, too, said that they were worried simply because these were uncharted waters for them. It's difficult to give advice for something you haven't personally experienced. That's why this website is so great!
     
  9. Pret Allez

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2012
    Messages:
    6,785
    Likes Received:
    67
    Location:
    Seattle, WA
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Welcome to Empty Closets, and thanks for coming!

    I'd just say be really nice to him and make sure that he has the sex education he needs. Gay and bisexual men have different risks. Some more (like STIs) and some less (like pregnancy for obvious reasons). You'll also want to make sure that you and your wife are the mental health resources he needs.

    For example, as he feels more comfortable to be out, he might encounter abusive behavior from his school mates because of his sexual orientation. (And by might, I mean will.) So you will need to fight for him. If you do this, he'll love you forever and ever (and so will I). And I really do mean fight for him. It's a proactive step beyond accepting your son. You need to realize that there are other people who won't, and you'll need to protect him, otherwise he's going to feel rejected by everybody else, and that will be really bad for his mental health, even if you're as sweet and loving as can be.

    Take care,
    Nick
     
  10. Motov

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2012
    Messages:
    0
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Arkansas
    Just keep in mind he is the same person you always known, he is just developing as he grows older.
     
  11. Lewis

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2012
    Messages:
    1,477
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    All I can add is, wow. For him to be able to feel comfortable enough to come out at 12, he must have been brought up in a really open-minded environment. If only all parents could be like you and your wife.

    It's hard for any parent to hear at first. Yeah you were supportive of gay people and rightly so, but you never expect your own child to be gay. I mean why were you supportive of gay people? Probably because of the tough ordeals they have to go through in life - ordeals you wouldn't want your own kid to go through. So I understand why you feel that way completely. Even being gay myself, I would still be shocked if I were to one day have a child that came out to me as gay.

    Your reaction is normal, all you need to do is support him through this and make sure he knows you're there for him 100%, which I'm sure you are. Again, you sound like amazing parents and there needs to be more like you out there!
     
  12. Sethdad

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2012
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Madison wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    By nature my wife and I are so comfortable with things that we would often joke about our legally gay wedding because our preacher man happens to be a very close friend of ours who is as gay as the day is long. I'm just really amazed at how emotional I'm acting and I seem have an answer for every selfish corner I find myself at so... I imagine when he's mature enough to laugh about it ill let him know the roller coaster were on right now but I all of a sudden feel in the closet as far as hiding my awkward emotions from him. I really don't wanna add any stress that isn't there. Man you people have really helped. I know I'm all sporadic and emo at this time but once I center I will be an active hetero-parent member of this site in order to provide personal case info on my experience. Here I go again with the tissues.....cheers!
     
  13. Gleeko0

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2011
    Messages:
    394
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Brazil
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Yes, absolutely, you are doing something right for your 12 year old son come out. Usually, people only come out when they are sure about it!
     
  14. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Sethdad,

    I'll echo what everyone else has said: Your son is incredibly lucky to have such understanding and accepting parents!

    Even for the parents that are totally OK with gay people and have gay friends, it can still come as a complete shock, and one thing to remember is: He's been thinking about this, and working through it, for a while. And, as you said, he's been raised in an environment where there's nothing wrong with being gay... even though he's still undoubtedly got some shame about it, as the messages of homophobia in society are pretty much impossible to avoid, between the religious bigots and news and media portrayals. But he's gotten beyond that and is comfortable with who he is, at 12, and that's just fantastic.

    Your feelings are a byproduct of the experience of processing loss; in this case the loss of perception of your son as straight. The stages of loss are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance, and they can take from minutes to months to go through; it sounds like you're going through it in record time :slight_smile:

    I think one of the best things you can do is ask him what level of communication he wants to have about it. He may feel comfortable being open and talking about what he's feeling, or he may want to just have you know and then not talk about it unless/until he needs to; some kids are one way and some totally the opposite so it's good to ask.

    And it's possible he'll encounter some resistance or discomfort from kids at school, because at that age, conformity (down to shoes, clothes, hair style) is everything, so be prepared to be there to support him. Madison is a pretty liberal and accepting place, so I'm guessing he'll find support from his teachers and school administration.

    Also, while the Federal Child Online Privacy and Protection Act says we aren't allowed to accept members who are under 13, we can accept them with parental permission, and I think your son would probably benefit tremendously from having the EC community available to him. Feel free to encourage him to join, and if he does, just PM me or another of the admins and let us know so we can document your permission for him to use the site.

    And... I hope you'll stick around EC. We definitely need more parents like you to provide perspective to our members in the process of coming out, and to encourage other parents to voice their concerns as well.
     
  15. I'm feeling much of the same things you are. It is wonderful that your son feels so comfortable with you that he is ready to come out at such a young age. I'll admit that I am envious of you. My daughter is 20 and still not comfortable enough to come out to me. (I only know because I snooped on her computer.) You are obviously doing something right.
     
  16. Emberblaze

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2012
    Messages:
    693
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Georgia
    Don't feel like you did something wrong, I'm sure the BOTH of y'all are good parents. Your daughter'll tell you when she's read, it's just nerve wracking sometimes. I haven't told either of my parents yet and I KNOW they'll both accept me.

    Now, to seth! Good job being supportive of your son. Don't feel guilty that you feel bad about may not having grandchildren and him not going to prom ect... Honestly, I felt, and sometimes still feel, the same way about my own sexuality. I mean, I know I can have kids, but it'd be nice to have a kid with the person I love and not just adoption or surrogacy, not that there's anything wrong with either of those.

    Small stuff like that worries me some times, but at the end of the day, I just tell myself that's life, MY life, and there's nothing wrong living my life the way I am. So don't worry, those feelings will come and go, but when your son finds a guy or someone he loves and you see him truly happy with that person, those feelings will go away and you'll be happy too
     
  17. Sethdad

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2012
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Madison wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    I'm only starting to realize that it is a good thing he came out so young. If he doesn't feel repressed during his pubescent stage I assume he will be as sexually cautious during his active years as I was and not fall prey to un savory sorts due to his repression and curiosity. I'm learning so fast I think my hippie parents must have done something right.
     
  18. DhammaGamer

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 30, 2011
    Messages:
    658
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Michigan
    I wish I had come out at 12. Would have saved me and others a whole lot of time and heartache. It's good to see a parent so involved in understanding and maintaining a relationship with their child regardless of sexuality. Go you!
     
  19. I don't have anything to add, but it is nice to see such an amazing, supportive father like yourself. It warms my heart.

    I second this. My parents would be fine with it, but I have my own fears, which have nothing to do with my parents, that keep me from coming out. Sometimes we just need to work out some of these things on our own. For what it is worth, you sound like a great mother who clearly cares about her child a great deal.
     
  20. Mitchell

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2009
    Messages:
    538
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New Hampshire, USA
    Well, if he can come out to you at 12, you're doing something right!


    I waited until 14...

    All I could think of when I was 12, was that if I came out, I would get kicked out of the house, which wasn't true.

    He's still the same son you've always had...

    I can only imagine how difficult this must be as a parent to accept, but I really suggest comforting him and helping him through this, it's very difficult to be young and gay... i felt like an outcast for most of my life because of it.