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Is he gay?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by TJL, Nov 29, 2012.

  1. TJL

    TJL
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2012
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    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hey all - thanks for reading.

    I've stumbled into a situation I never thought I would. I'm 39, been comfortably out for many years, had three long term same sex male relationships, and recently, become great friends with a guy my age who, I believe, is closeted.

    --He hasn't been with a woman, on a date, kissed, nothing, for 5+ years.
    --He spends his time in gay softball leagues, gay volleyball leagues, and with gay men...almost exclusively.
    --Everyone who knows him thinks he's gay. Gaydar through the roof.

    We've gotten quite close, texting/calling daily, etc. Recently I asked him if he likes girls or boys and he says girls. But behavior doesn't match words, bc it's like we are dating - we go to movies together, concerts together, plan trips together, he brings me ice cream for stay-in TV nights, buys me massages, takes me for rides on the motorcycle...u name it. He does none of these things with women. Just with me.

    But no physical intimacy.

    So here's the problem - I've fallen for him (of course). It's the same ole story, gay guy falls for straight guy. I can't believe it's happened to me! I've told him how I feel, and he's told me he cares about me deeply and would be terribly hurt if he lost me. We tried to stop hanging out but it didn't work.

    I have a lot of straight guy friends and have no doubt they are straight, and their behavior reinforces that. But in this instance...it's been so hard to wrap my brain around. Why would a straight guy choose to hang out with gay guys so much? Is it just him being a "stag hag"? He claims he was so hurt by an ex-girlfriend from a long time ago that he never wants to date again. Are gay guys simply a safe haven for him?

    I've prided myself on never falling for a straight guy and yet, here I am. Everyone tells me to walk away, which sounds like easy advice until your in it, because, problem is, beyond the physical, we have an emotional connection like no other - something both of us have acknowledged.

    So I dont know what to do, or if there's anything TO do. I'm fully willing to accept his word that he is, indeed straight, but in this case, my gut is saying that's not the whole story. In high school, he was tormented as the school "faggot" for years. Maybe that has something to do with it.

    If I give him an ultimatum, I lose him: 1) if he's straight he wont go there, 2) if he's closeted and not ready, he wont go there either.

    So, thoughts and advice welcome. I recognize there are no easy answers, I'm just looking for fresh perspective.

    Thanks and cheers.
     
  2. Your emotional connection with him right now sounds great. I don't think you should spend any less time with him, but keep at as a best friend. As you've mentioned, he continues to assert his heterosexuality, and it's clear that you two have talked about your feelings before. So, there isn't anything to do, but continue what you have, no more and no less. I understand your longing for something more than just friends, but it's better at this point to not do anything. Let some time pass. You definitely, absolutely should not make him make a choice. What you have right now sounds wonderful, and if I were you I'd do my best to keep that a constant.