Feel Kinda Trapped...

Alright, I just wrote a really long post here about how I depressed I already was and lost it all because of the worthless garbage that is Firefox, which I will never ever use again. But I'll try again...

So I've told a few people on here my pathetic story, but it's probably unfair to keep bothering them with my nonsense. Though I've been reluctant to ever post anything here, especially since I get the sense that I'm generally disliked by people on this forum, but oh well, here goes...kinda long as I've had a lot build up in particular as my life has kinda gone downhill since I got back to the states around the time I joined this forum in August.

Now I graduated college in May, and then did a study abroad in Moscow for the summer. When I got back, I moved back in with my parents in New York, where I don't really even know anyone anymore, because I didn't really have anywhere else to go right away, after spending four years at college in Massachusetts. I thought it would be a temporary arrangement while I got my life together. It wasn't.

I've applied for jobs, I've gotten a few interviews, but never gotten any positions. I've even applied for volunteer positions with AmeriCorps and got rejected for all of them. My resume is pathetic, I have no useful skills or anything, nobody will hire me.

So now I'm stuck living with my mother and stepfather. My relationship with them was rocky before, but being around them all the time the past few months, it has really started to reach boiling point. I just can't take the constant tearing down every day about how I'm a waste and I don't have a job or a life or anything (as if this is how I want it!). I'm probably going to get kicked out soon. My stepfather constantly reminds me of how much he wants to kick me out, claiming I'm only still here because of my mother, even though she tells me all the time too that she wants me out of her home. One thing that is clear is that this is certainly not my home. I almost kinda wish I would just get out kicked, I really HATE this way of living. What I want more than anything is to just get a job, move out, and come out, but it seems there is no escaping my predicament.

Now I've only begun to really question and accept my sexuality in my last year of college, after being in denial for so long. My family, especially my father, is homophobic; not really the "homosexuality is a sin" type, but more of a "gays are disgusting freaks to make fun of and stay away from" kind of mindset. There are no LGBTQ people in my family as far as I'm aware, and the idea of me being gay was certainly never acknowledged as a possibility.

Now for the longest time I was unsure of whether I was gay or bi and decided to identify as bisexual. After watching all these YouTube videos of kids coming out to their mothers, with the mothers responding with hugs and crying and promising to love their children no matter what, I was inspired to try to come out to my mother.

So when she and my stepfather came to visit me at college one time, after being too obtuse to take a hint from the giant rainbow flag I had put on my dorm room wall, I finally privately blurted out to my mother that I was bisexual. Her response was to ask "How do you know?" followed by "Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend?" followed by "Well, make sure you do safe 'everything'" all without a hint of emotion and then she left. After all the years of internal struggle and preparation for this moment of coming out, I was left basically in tears by her apathy toward me. Since then she's never acknowledged me as having coming out, although I wear a rainbow bracelet everywhere now, other than a few drunken times where she's made stupid joke comments about me having a boyfriend and a girlfriend. I don't even identify as bi anymore, but clearly she took me and my coming out as a joke to be ridiculed and at this point I don't want to come out to her or to anyone in my family as gay. I want to move as far away from here as I possibly can. :tears:

But of course, as I mentioned, I only recently was able to accept my sexuality; my teens were wasted, I'm 22 already, I really want to get out and see the world, and explore my sexuality; instead I feel like I am wasting away and growing old without experiencing life. No boyfriend, no real friends in the outside world, no job, no home, no skills, no life, no value.

For years I struggled with social anxiety and depression, especially during high school, but I thought I had overcome them in four years away at college. But now in just a few months of coincidentally living back home again I feel like I'm falling back into social anxiety and depression very quickly. Just a few months ago I almost got mugged in an alley when I went out drinking with some Ukrainians I met in a Moscow park until 6 in the morning... now I'm afraid to walk out the door in broad daylight in the neighborhood I grew up in. And my mother and stepfather (and my father and sister, for that matter) have never bothered to understand what I was going through when I was diagnosed with social anxiety as a young teen, yelling at me for embarrassing them if I ever had an anxiety attack over a social situation or something; they certainly haven't started caring now.:icon_sad:

I just feel like I'm trapped in a vicious cycle, a catch-22 of sorts.

I don't know what to do at this point to escape. I have student loan debt bills already coming due. I need to find a job that will pay enough to cover those and still get me self-sufficient. My father was always pressuring me to go law school, so being desperate I studied for and took the LSAT to get into law school in October; I did alright but not as well as I would have hoped. I'm taking again, but I'm not sure my motivations to go are for the right reasons. While there are fields of law I'm interested in, I'm not sure whether the actual job is for me, not to mention the market is bad and I'd have more debt. I just feel like I have no other options to break out of this rut.

(And yeah, I know how especially pathetic this is all since I'm 22 and closeted to my parents when kids are kicked out of their house at like 16 for courageously coming out.)

When I was growing up as a child it was a very homophobic environment both at home and at school, so I became a homophobic uber-Christian to hide my own secret. I gave up on piano lessons, dancing, drawing, writing; anything creative that would get me accused of being faggot. I deliberately dressed horribly and feigned disinterest in clothes or fashion or how I looked so I would be thought to be a 'straight slob'. Now I wish I were able to do something cool and creative for a living, but it seems like it's too late...I'm not qualified to do anything, I can never come out, I just feel trapped at this point and I don't know how this can end in any way other than badly. :help:

(Sorry this is so long, probably too long for people to read, but I guess I just needed to vent somewhere.)

 

Well thank you for reading it, I didn't expect anyone to do so. (*hug*)

Yeah, I suppose so, though I wish I would have had things better planned from the beginning. I went into college not sure what I was doing and graduated four years later hardly having made any progress in that regard.

That's why I especially feel the need to go back to school in some capacity so I will have a degree that is actually employable.

Well it seemed so at the time, though in retrospect I don't know how productive it was for me. I gazed upon the corpse of Lenin, and then recrudesced upon the U$A to experience life under Capitalism in all of its glory.

Well thank you, I hope so, but I see plenty of reason to despair rather than be optimistic. I mean things just seem to get worse and worse by the day, and I get older and older. Plus, the longer I don't have a job the more it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that I'm not going to get one, as employers want to know what I've been doing all this time and I don't really have an explanation.

But seriously, who would ever want to be a boyfriend to an unemployed loser with debt, no job, and living with his parents? I'm embarrassed to have to talk about myself when they ask what I do.

I wonder whether I should try being like George Costanza from Seinfeld, when he gets a woman to go out with him by introducing himself saying "Hello, my name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents." :eusa_doh:

I don't think so, I don't get many interviews, and those I do I screw up anyway. Every job experts you already have a ton of experience, and I have none, and it's a catch-22 since I can't get experience if nobody will hire me in the first place.

I have been doing a little bit of work as a busboy/waiter at my father's fledgling restaurant, but that was not very productive work, he's struggling enough himself, not much business there, not to mention my father is the last person I could ever be open about my sexuality to.

Yeah I do believe this is true. Right now I just want to get away from them; it's no coincidence that I feel the worst depression and anxiety after spending four months with them that I've felt in the four years since I left high school for college.

I do think it is sad though, maybe after some separation things will change between us, but right now it is just an untenable situation.

I think the problem is she just doesn't take me seriously. She (and her husband) still want to dictate how I dress, what kind of haircut I get, when I'm allowed to close the door to my room, etc. It was bad enough as teenager never being given an ounce of freedom to be myself as an individual and grow up, but now it's just gotten pathetic. She doesn't take me seriously and doesn't treat me seriously.

With regard to sexuality in particular, I've gotten the impression that she (and my sister) have a perception of queer people as the other, perhaps circus clowns to be seen on television but not possibly existing in their own family. They watch that dreadful show Glee and make fun of the Kurt character in front of me. Perhaps my voice isn't high-pitched enough for her to believe I could really be gay or bi.

There was also a childhood friend I had, we started at the same high school, but he got kicked out, got into drugs and problems, later got a GED and has been to a bunch of colleges or whatever...but apparently he came out as gay at some point. My mother went to a wedding for his brother and when she came home was telling me all his problems and then finished off saying "And, he's gay" with a tone as if to say 'oh what a freak, we don't bother with those people'...the implication was that I would share this view, apparently by this point having completely disregarded my "coming out".

Well thank you again, but really it all came out to nothing. It gave me no closure or comfort; I regret doing it, really. All it does is make me feel especially vulnerable now.

Funny before I decided to do that I spent a lot of time rationalizing in my head the idea that since I wouldn't call my parents to tell them if I had sex with a girl, why would I ever need to tell them that I was interested in boys. Now I wish I had stuck to that silly mindset, coming out to family members is overrated.

Well, I've had a couple of interviews, but these are positions which had big applications and separate essays and stuff, not ones where I'd be dependent on just my resume. My resume is complete and utter garbage. The most embarrassing part when I've gone for interviews is when I have to hand them a copy of my resume.

Thanks, I'll keep that in mind.

Well, the problem is I don't actually know any people to network with in the first place. I'm basically a newcomer to this city at this point.

I recently worked up the courage to join a online dating site; at the very least I hoped I could meet friends to network with or something.

Well, I wish I had the luxury of having multiple careers to choose from...unfortunately I'll take anything I can get at this point.

AmeriCorps positions are I think pretty much all filled already by now. And in any event, a volunteer position wouldn't get me out of my current predicament as I still wouldn't be able to afford to move out.

Hmm, I wish I had an idea of what to do in this regard. I don't know what activities there are in this community (I know Pret Allez recommended fencing but I don't know about that around here. )

We used to have a family gym membership at the YMCA but it was cancelled, not that it matters since stress has burned weight off of me like the treadmill never could.

Well, there's an LGBT center I've been thinking about joining since I got back here. I didn't even know it was here, it opened up during the time I was away at college.

Unfortunately I didn't bother contacting them in the summer cause I figured I wouldn't be here long and would probably be moving somewhere else.

They had a youth group meeting in the summer, but I don't think even still have it this time of year according to their calendar, plus it was for ages 13-24, and I'd feel rather old to be in such a pathetic position.

Plus the center was damaged by Hurricane Sandy and flooded, along with lots of homes around there. I'd feel rather lame to be bothering them with my petty personal problems while people are dealing with real hardship around there.

Well thank you very much, I greatly appreciate you taking the time to read and reply like that, I am definitely taking all of your advice into consideration. (*hug*)

 

The problem is, a liberal arts education doesn't provide any real skills.

The model for it dates to a time when the only people who went to college were blue-bloods who were already rich and had connections (like Willard Mitt Romney); kinda outdated as it doesn't work very well for people who actually need to get jobs afterwards and don't have the connections.

I wish I had gone to school and gotten a degree in something worthwhile, something creative preferably. Now I'm a graduate with a crap degree, too old for a redo of my life. And time is just flying by, I can't believe it's December already, I feel like my graduation was just yesterday.

Unfortunately I don't have access to anything at my college anymore. I went to college up in Massachusetts and I would have no way of getting up there from New York.

To go back to school now would be have to be a graduate program at a different school.

Yeah but sooner or later they are going to pry and get to the core truth of my patheticness, no matter how I try to sugarcoat it at first. I've been back since August already and have gotten nowhere. And there's no way to escape the most depressing part that I live with my overbearing parents.

Yeah, but I wish I could GET an entry-level job in the first place.

I don't even know if there is a local employment office or where I would find one.

There's only so many ways to try to polish the turd that is my resume, unless I'm going to just flat-out lie on it. If I'm going to get hired it's likely just going to have to be by someone who doesn't care that much about resumes.

Erm, I'm afraid I don't quite follow. Who exactly am I e-mailing in this case? Just random people at a random company?

I'm still not following...where I am finding this person to interview?

To be honest, I'm not even sure how I'm supposed to be finding job opportunities. All I've been applying to have been job listings posted online. This can't be the only way to get jobs.

It really sucks with this stupid holiday crap coming up, I'm going to have to see all family members and they're all going to be asking what I'm doing and prodding. I'll be hearing from my father about how my cousin is making $300 an hour right out of law school and my other cousin's an engineer, and I'm nothing.

Meanwhile I'm taking this LSAT tomorrow (actually just 7 hours from now, I should be getting to bed!) which I'm not ready for, will probably do worse than my first time, and am not even sure it's what I want to do. The anxiety attacks are killing me.

Well, I think even as a young teenager her attempt to dominate my life was rather inappropriate. Really gave me no room to grow up as an individual at all. Not being allowed to close the door to my room? Seriously?

Oh well, I've finally worked up the courage to go through a teenage rebellion stage, at age 22. :bang:

Nah, I'm not out to my sister. I don't have much of a close relationship with her either. She's going to college next year. Would figure a girl her age to be more progressive and have gay friends and such, but she's a homophobe who thinks gays are gross too.

As for my mother, I've tried to talk to her, but she just doesn't seem to care how I feel. Sometimes I really feel like I'm talking to a child when I'm talking to her (or anyone in this house really), like there's no higher thought processes going on in there. I always think about and reflect on things and try to look at things from other angles; I get the sense that she just doesn't. When I came out to her, it evidently didn't provoke any deep soul-searching on her part, she never thought to change her ways or examine why it took me so long to feel comfortable coming out.

As I mentioned, the day I came out they had come up and I added a pretty gigantic rainbow flag as well as bi pride flag to my dorm room wall, hoping she might take a hint or it could at least provoke questions or conversation. But no, she didn't even appear to notice them or the rainbow dog tag I was wearing, so I had to force the conversation in the last five minutes while she was on her way out. It's just so frustrating, I don't know how I came from a family of people who go through life with such a narrow, one-dimensional, oblivious view of the world, never questioning or examining anything, including one's own thoughts and actions.

Well, I don't know if it was really inevitable. I don't think they really need to know the details of my life. I would be mortified to ever have to bring a boyfriend to meet them (though I was mortified at the thought of having to bring a girlfriend to meet them too).

I wouldn't have minded being one of those who first moves off to a far-off city establish my own independence, live my own lifestyle, and let them find out later on.

Of course there are other LGBT centres in New York, but I suppose I shouldn't look for another one without even giving this one a try.

Besides, the well-known Ali Forney Center in Manhattan, which always has commercials on the gay network LOGO, was supposedly completely destroyed by Hurricane Sandy.

But I don't know if my sexuality is even my biggest problem right now, it's mainly the whole employment and lifestyle arrangement situation, I don't know how much an LGBT center could help with that.

I mean I don't know if I'm even wasting everyone's time here, since this is supposed to be a support forum for coming-out about sexuality and gender, and sexuality issues are at most secondary at this point to my bigger problems.

If I had been able to wake up to reality just one year earlier, things would have turned out so much better, I'd be still at college and have the on-campus LGBT organization and support group to join, I'd be able to focus exclusively on accepting my sexuality within the safe confines of campus without having to do it at the same time I was thrown into the outside world, I'd have time to get my career plans in order so I'd know what I was doing when I graduated...but unfortunately it all had to happen just one year too late.:eusa_doh:

 

Hey all,

Thanks for all the support; I've read and am taking to heart all of your advice and comments.

I typically like to give thorough point-by-point responses to every post, I'm not sure yet I'll be able to do that: I'm overwhelmed by how strongly the community here came through, again thanks so much guys! (*hug*)

Reading back over everything, I'm a little embarrassed by the long-winded, rambling, stream of consciousness way of expressing myself here, sorry about that, that's why I was afraid to even come back into this thread. I've been in an especially poor state of mind lately; usually I only do something embarrassing on the internet when I'm drunk. (I was on one of those gay hookup apps last Summer while drunk, I have only a vague recollection of the kind of things I was saying, and I still haven't dared to log back on no matter how many messages I get, for fear of ever seeing how badly embarrassed myself that night. ).

But anyway, Saturday I took the LSAT test. This is my 2nd time taking it. I took it in October, and then had only a month in between. I feel like I could have done so much better if I had actually had time to prepare and take classes or something. My SAT score was what got me into college despite my mediocre high school grades, I sorta need to knock the LSAT out of the park if I went to get into a decent law school since my college grades were even worse.

Though again I'm not entirely sure I even want to go to law school and become a lawyer at this point. It just seems like the easiest ticket out of here; I don't know if I'd even apply to any New York area schools, I'd rather to the West Coast or maybe at least Boston or DC. Even if I go I'm still stuck here for another year, ugh... :/

Alas here I go rambling again...:eusa_doh: