1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Ideas how to break it to mom, she has a son

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Deaf Not Blind, Nov 30, 2012.

  1. Deaf Not Blind

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2012
    Messages:
    0
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    WA DC
    Gender:
    Male
    Hey!

    So I am going home for Christmas break in a couple weeks. I moved mom into my apt before I took off for uni in August. I came out a lot here, but back home only 1 deafie knows, 1 lesbian knows, and 1 gay buddy knows. Otherwise to them I am a weird female tomboy.

    Mom is not like most of yours. Yeah she is Christian, but she has a bi-polar disorder and can be strange and anger easy, not to mention she has dialysis 3 times a week and is not strong. I don't want to give her a mental shock to hospitalize her, nor make her sick and die. On other hand, I look a lot more male now somehow than when she last saw me, and she had commented how I look a lot like her dad.

    So, perhaps some guys and gals who have sick moms and Christian ones can throw out some ideas. I would like to come out, but I may have to fake being a straight girl...I don't know if I can do that for 5 weeks living with her though.

    Did I mention I am a guy and mom is scared of men?
     
  2. Deaf Not Blind

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2012
    Messages:
    0
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    WA DC
    Gender:
    Male
    Not even ONE person can respond with any help huh?
     
  3. lexi

    lexi Guest

    I really wish i could help, but I dont know much about bipolar people. My aunt is bipolar but ive never spent much time around her because she is abusive :/

    My mom is christian but very open minded so i did not have much trouble with that...

    I would reccomend breaking it to her slowly.. make sure she still knows your the same person that you were, and take any precautions you can. Try talking to her when she is in a good mood. maybe do some online research too
     
  4. teluphone

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2012
    Messages:
    284
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Singapore
    Well my mother is Bipolar and a buddist and i find it incredibly hard to know the right time to talk to her about anything since she does swing from depressive to manic periodically (for one minute she can she say she loves and would accept me for who i am and the next minute becoming a suicidal depressive if she found out i was gay) and the fact that she isn't compliant with taking her meds (especially when i'm back in the uni campus) without my supervision simply makes living conditions worse

    Like Lexi said, its best to try breaking it down slowly and perhaps tell her when her health is getting better (Physically and mentally) and reasserting the fact you are who you are
     
  5. suninthesky

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 26, 2011
    Messages:
    593
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Oklahoma
    I too, am going home for Christmas break in a couple weeks. I have bought a lot of clothes from thrift stores and am a lot more a guy than when I left. I've been so happy being me at college, but I don't want to regress when I go back home. My mom is borderline and I have the same reservations about that, including all my friends who think I'm a tomboy as well. I don't have advice, but I'm posting to let you know that you're not alone. I hope someone comes along with some advice for us!

    I really like your advice, lexi and teluphone. I think that might be a good option.
     
  6. PurpleCrab

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2012
    Messages:
    543
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sherbrooke, QC Canada
    Being ftm, and having had come out to my grandma and to my mom, I can give you a bit of advice (as in, somethings worked and others didn't!).

    What works:
    -During the holidays, be yourself while avoiding to talk about your gender or sexual orientation. You can just flee said topics with a bit of humor.
    -Wait until a day or two after the main celebrations to come out to your mom, as she will already be relieved of the stress the celebrations usually bring, will be more open to whatever you have to tell her
    -Bring it very gently, just tell her that you feel like a boy inside, tell her you're Ok and that you feel better already that she knows, that you're still you and that nothing has to change between you and her
    -Using humor and laughter to get you and your people through this adaptation phase when things feel awkward

    What doesn't work:
    -Blurting it our while drunk
    -Using your coming out to hurt somebody in an argument
    -Picking the wrong moment to come out, when one of you is stressed and under pressure
    -Forcing acceptance upon your people by being hurt if they don't understand or don't get it right
    -Blaming people.

    I say this by experience, however my mom seem incapable of accepting that she has a son. I can live with this, and good luck in your coming out :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  7. Hexagon

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 1, 2011
    Messages:
    8,558
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Earth
    But so tempting at the time.


    As for my actual advice, its always awkward and nasty, no matter what. I can't help with much of you're specific circumstances, but I would just pick a time when she's not busy or stressed, and first confirm she knows what transgender is, then tell her you're trans. From experience, humour doesn't work in this situation, but if you can make it work then good.
     
    #7 Hexagon, Dec 2, 2012
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2012
  8. Deaf Not Blind

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2012
    Messages:
    0
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    WA DC
    Gender:
    Male
    Thank you, I just found this. I fly home on the 16th. I can't go back into closet! I just can't! And I live with mom now, so can only be gone so long in a day.

    Yeah, my mom can and has been "abusive" and I was all alone, so peeps assumed she was telling the truth saying how bad I was...cuz my room was a mess. Her house a mess my fault even after i no longer lived with her. She tried to say things to get me in trouble and I caught her as an adult, she wanted to say i abuse HER. So i can't even defend myself from her. :/ complicated, but since you got an aunt i bet u can guess what i go through.

    finding WHEN she is calm is hard.

    ---------- Post added 5th Dec 2012 at 11:02 PM ----------

    thank you, I know what you are going through. Empathy out.
    One thing I feared is stupid docs could say we are nuts not LGBT cuz we got a relative who is mentally ill.
    mom will physically never be better cuz she has bad kidneys and it makes her sick.

    ---------- Post added 5th Dec 2012 at 11:02 PM ----------

    Thank you for being there for me.
     
  9. lexi

    lexi Guest

    Yeah I know what you mean. I'm sorry you have to go through that :frowning2: my aunt was abusive to the point that my cousin came and lived with us for a while. My cousin always struggled with her relationship with her mother because she loved her, but was angry for the way she treated her. Adding your situation must make it 100 times worse. Best of luck! (*hug*)
     
  10. Deaf Not Blind

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2012
    Messages:
    0
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    WA DC
    Gender:
    Male
    Thanks so much for this!
    Yeah, I really want to come out. But it is scary as it will change the dynamic. We have our game, I am different and never date, don't want to have babies, not talk about cute guys, don't draw hearts with names in it, and act like a guy...and she don't like how I act often. But she thinks lesbian is wrong, so I think she may think this is like gay. Same time, she said a few months after I began dressing fully male how lucky she was to have me as she had so many issues with men she may have otherwise gone to be a lesbian if it were not for having me, and my morals help her. :confused: Have no idea now what she will do...she says she thinks lesbianism is wrong but then she said she fears men so much she may went lesbian. Confused?

    Mom says stuff like "#@!#^, you are my darling little daughter." and stuff like that. I have told her since a kid "puke!" but I would like to be called her son. And if I do come out, and if I do tell her I may change how I look someday, and she continues to say SHE HER GIRL DAUGHTER, I can foresee one day an argument.

    ---------- Post added 5th Dec 2012 at 11:14 PM ----------

    Thank you.

    I am good at humor even in funerals, but mom is weird and hard to know sometimes. I bet she don't have a clue about trans, I tried to bring up recent elections that made pot and gay marriage legal in my state. she dismissed the conversation. it was weird, as she knows i like politics! we usually can talk a long time. but it was almost like she had been told if this came up to avoid it as it was a way to talk about LGBT stuff. I have a feeling a "friend" has been advising her.

    ---------- Post added 5th Dec 2012 at 11:18 PM ----------

    Thank you. I feel empathy for your cousin. Generally adults believe adults so kids of a parent like this are often more punished and get scary treatment. And as elderly, they will lie (true they will) and try to get sympathy and friends by saying how abusive the adult kid is, and do NOT realize their words have severe consequences, like maybe prison for kids and no way they will be allowed to see them again. my mom told me she did not say stuff not only i heard, a lawyer heard and a friend of mine heard, and she said telling a lawyer stuff like that would not hurt me, as she would "protect" me by not allowing him to call cops on me. NUTS? Yeah, that friend was worried when i said mom moved in.