Don't know how to be social

Wait, 6th grade like... should be for 11-ish year olds?

 

Sorry, I'm misunderstanding I think (or rather, just trying to make sure I'm clear): You are currently in the 6th grade, or you were in the 6th grade? Might just be me, but I usually associate being a junior with being in grade 11 (or 10, whatever) rather than an age.

 

Well, it's a good thing I asked, huh?

For what it's worth, I've been where you are (of course, I'm 21!). Seriously though, I was super awkward in high school. I wasn't comfortable with myself, I didn't know how to hold a conversation, didn't feel like I really had any friends... the only reason my name was known around school was because I was constantly volunteering and being part of student groups, but even then I only talked because I felt I had something to say or was in situations where well, discussion is a good idea. Basically, even though I was surrounded by people, I never felt social.

I also haven't had a boyfriend or girlfriend, nor have I been on a date yet... I've been asked out once, but I turned it down since I was 15 and not really interested in anyone at that age.

High school can be a really toxic environment, especially to people's self-esteems. With such a small pool of people, everyone knows everyone... so you're generally either included or excluded from the groups. For me, I think in high school (beyond cutting myself off from the lot of the world due to sexuality and other issues) I just didn't have anyone I felt like I could relate to. I had friends, but none of them are into the same interests as I was. None of those people were rewarding for me to be around because I didn't enjoy spending time with them.

The thing is, while I was in high school I beat myself up a lot about that. I felt like I failed somehow by not knowing "how to be social" and not having many friends (let alone any close friends). I worried that I wouldn't be able to function properly or something once I graduated since these were important years of my life that I was letting pass by me.

But then I got to university. Within 3 days of being in university, I met some of the closest friends I've ever had (and still do have right now). Being social was natural because spending time with these people was rewarding. I (somehow) felt comfortable around them. We had common interests. Consequently, these people are also some of the first people I came out to because our friendships grew enough that I trusted them to that degree.

Obviously your story isn't exactly like mine is. Maybe there is something else going on and you do have properly-diagnosed "social anxiety" or something. But barring definitive reasons, the moral of my story is don't worry too much about "not being social". Being social should be a rewarding task; it should be something you want to do. And if you feel like you're forcing yourself to do something you don't want, it isn't that rewarding, is it?

 

I'm someone who's always been antisocial mostly due to shyness low self esteem and fear but I've developed some form of a social life. But I can relate to you its like when youre talking to someone and you get nervous and your mind goes blank and you panic then you beat yourself up about it. When talking to people try making it more about them and have them do most of the talking ask them something and maybe they'll go on about whatever which can help you keep it going also yourw learning more about that person so you can pick up where you left off last time.

I know its easier said than done (believe me I'm still trying to do it) but try not to worry too much. I seem to talk better to people that I don't have a desperate need to please and entertain. Xx

 

Well, when my housemate brings his girlfriend over, I never really know what to say. I usually do the polite greeting and small-talk, but after that I move on with my day. I have other things I could be doing or other people I could be talking to; you know, ways I'd rather spend my time.

For me (and her), I believe it's just that I don't relate to her at all. One, her relation to me is as someone who's in a straight relationship. Second, her education has nothing to do with what I'm interested in. And third, she's just a really whiny person, and I don't generally enjoy that.

The thing is, my housemate's girlfriend is an interaction that's forced upon me because she's walking into my house. I don't feel obligated to like her or talk to her much because she isn't my guest. Similarly, if you don't want to hang out with your brother's girlfriend, there's nothing that says you have to.

Being social is a learned skill to some degree, but you can learn that even just by observing other people. Unless you've been totally isolated from the world for the last 4/5 years, you've picked up on what is and isn't socially appropriate. For example, I'm sure you know that greeting your brother's girlfriend without any clothes on is inappropriate.

The thing about being social is that it's something you should want to do, not have to do. And when you want to do something, you're going to put more effort into it. In this sense, if you want to talk to someone because they're interesting, you'll think up things to say.

I can see why you'd be worried about a lack of social skills having been out of school, but from my perspective, I really don't think it's hurting you that much. Social interactions are everywhere in our daily lives, so unless you're a hermit, you'll already have an idea on what to do. And the thing is, even if you hit a situation where you don't, sure it may be awkward, but you'll pick up on it quickly. Humans are social creatures, you know.

 

But why do you want to be social? She doesn't sound like the most pleasant person to be around, personally.

 

My mother always tells me "could've would've should've". It stands as a reminder that just because something could/should/would have happened doesn't mean it's better. Whatever happened is already over and done with, so there's not much sense in dwelling on what else may have happened. Take what you need to learn from it and move forward.

That said, if you feel like you want to be more confident, that's great! But I don't think feeling obligated to talk to your brother's girlfriend is the action you need to take to achieve that. Like I said, if you think it's something you want to do then sure... but I think you can also build confidence by talking to people you want to, not people you feel like you have to.

And I will say if you don't like being non-social because it's quiet and boring, talking with someone you don't want to is probably not going to fix that. Again, by socializing you're looking for something rewarding to come out of it (you said it yourself ) and maybe she just isn't that person.

 

I so can relate in not be as social as my peers over through the years. I still working on being more social and would like some advice too?