Shouldn't I be free to make choices? Tortured

Hello all -- I'd say I stumbled on this site by accident, but I suppose that's not exactly accurate -- I was googling "coming out." Guess that means I'm more thinking that I've lived a hetero lifestyle for decades and might be ready for something else.

Its not that easy. I struggle, then put it aside. I've been married, now divorced (she cheated, was an alcoholic). I have custody of the kids since the divorce. One now in college, the other high school. I'm not a young 'un, like so many of you on this site (and let me say, I'm very impressed by your authenticity and integrity!).

The first years after I was divorced I dated a few women, but nothing long term. And at that time, I thought to myself, for the first time in a long time I have all the freedom to date anyone I want, man, women, whatever. But I was too worried about dating men, what my kids would think, much more worried my ex-wife would use it against me to take the kids away.

I am in a relationship now, with a woman, for a couple of years. She wants to get married. And I do love her enough to marry her. But I have my doubts. We don't live together so I still have a lot of space. The sex used to be great. But in the last couple of months there've been too many times when I can't orgasm with her. I find myself fantasizing I'm someone else who's having sex with her. And this may be borderline TMI, but when I'm by myself, I can get myself off thinking about guys.

I look at personals of men (and sometimes other women, too) online. I downloaded (name of social media app removed by mod) and another phone app, too. It was cool to see how many gay men were so close by.

And then I delete the apps, stop looking a gay porn and dating sites, and try and then think that I shouldn't be doing that.

And I question -- maybe this woman isn't right for me -- and as a defense mechanism I'm thinking about being with a guy? Maybe I should be looking for a different woman?.

I'm really good at not putting myself first. I was thinking about that today, and realized that it must be in the family genes (hah!). I tell my kids all the time "just tell me what you want" -- and they say "anything," -- even my 80 year old mother does the same - what do you want, she says "anything, its ok." Me too -- I can be "satisfied" with the way things are -- but is really what I want?

Not sure what the journey is that's coming up for me. I was in counseling after the divorce, I couldn't even tell my therapist any of my questions about my sexuality. Its scary, really. I've been looking at this site for days now. The first night I found it, I was up for hours reading post after post. So many things here I identify with.

So here goes -- I'm up for working on this, figuring out. What worked for you?

Peace,

Pete

 

This processing stuff is work. Idk - I was alone way too long. There really was no relationship to speak of with me ex, and no sex. She'd be drunk passed out every night and I did 99% around the house and with the kids.

Being with this woman, it's so nice not to be alone. And I won't cheat on her. But I'll go on gay porn and dating sites to look. And then I'll stop again, thinking if she found that on my computer shed be so hurt. I do get that this is an integrity issue .

At the same time I want to make a life with her , I get this feeling that there's a part of me. I can't share with her. And it's more fundamental than that, if I truly believe that I need to explore who I am and come to grip that I'm gay, then I need the space to do that. And being in this relationship I can very nicely avoid that.

What a mess - Nothing more I wanted after my divorce than start life over and have a happy family with a new wife to show my kids what a good life could be like. Just this nagging interest in men is throwing quite a curve ball.

Appreciate you reading and for your support and insights. I'm feeling a little crazy these days~ and you're making me think about slowing down a bit, taking some time.

Pete

 

Thanks, alot, really. Your words mean so much.

Thinking much today, during Christmas shopping (and that's a can of worms, too, since I'm shopping for my girlfriend).

I realized that I'm sabotaging myself .... for instance, in the past year or so I've gained a lot of weight. THis from a guy who used to run 25 miles a week and hit the gym at least 3 times a week. Right now I have no confidence at all about my looks. Or when I think about exploring my sexuality by being with a man, I've thought about hooking up with a male escort (way too dangerous for me, and I'm not a one night stand kind of guy, I don't think).

(this is a break from a night with the kids, will post more later/tomorrow).

thx!

 

Ok then.... Trying to figure out what would be worse for me, breaking up with my girlfriend, for what ever reason I tell her, or being honest with her about my questioning and see where this goes. Not going to do either at the moment. She's a wonderful person and I don't want to hurt her.

My head's in a pretty good place. Confused, uncertain, but not depressed. I just spent a while this morning looking up therapists that are in my insurance plan, and found a bunch. Not sure what direction to go -- can't find a therapist in my insurance close by that specializes in gender identity, rather a bunch who do work with gay community. I think that's important for what I'm working on. I do want to talk with a man. Should I ask if he's gay? If I'm going to spill my guts, than I want to be sure its someone who really gets it.

I know this sounds stupid -- but I've been trying to find pics online. I don't want a much older guy (I suppose he may be very wise, but I don't want to talk with a father figure -- ha!), nor someone who looks young enough to date my daughter (LOL).

So now that I have some info, I'll reach out to a couple. I'll choose a guy who can see me reasonably soon (I know this time of the year gets crazy for shrinks).

Maybe I'm a little stupid crazy after all....

 

You know Farouche -- I'm not sure what to think about that! Wow.

I need to make a shift in my sexuality. In my head I've been thinking and fantasizing about guys for way too long. I don't want to wake up one day and realize a part of me has died because I've been to scared to do something about it.

I was a pretty good husband, I think. Supportive, loving, great cook, cleaned the house, took care of the kids. And I think I'm a good boyfriend. (ok, so I know, except for this secret part of my life, looking at guys, thinking about being with them, going online, etc... I know she'd be hurt if she knew that).

I suppose I could choose not to act on that stuff, stop going online for gay chat/porn, I could stop doing those things that I think would be secret and hurtful. But I think everytime I'm out -- could I stop looking at men who catch my eye? I don't think I can program my brain to stop that...

It would be simpler if I hadn't built a hetero life around me, wouldn't it. I live in a very diverse, gay friendly area. I don't think that part would be difficult. But I do belong to an organization that I would probably have to quit if I came out. ugh

So this is turning into kind of a blog. Just writing about this stuff helps.

Peace / Pete

 

As I think about it, I wasn't ever that attracted to women sexually. As friends, yes. My GFs in the past have started as friendships that became physical. It does feel great to be intimate and sexual. But I don't daydream about women like I do about men sexually. I've been hurt pretty bad in relationships with women, like seriously thrown under a train hurt.

Sometimes I think that my looking & thinking about men is a way to avoid dealing with women (for a relationship). Now that my GF wants to get married, I do wonder if this is coming to a head for me because I'm worried about commitment, more than I want to be with men.

(ok, but I do want to be with a man)

I'm a little stupid crazy today.... going to call a therapist to get an appontment.

 

ok -- so I called the therapist's office, got voicemail "leave a detailed message" -- took a deep breath and said "I need to deal with gender identity issues"

I said it. The beginning of not hiding from it. /Pete

 

So bummed today.

A great LGBT therapist in the area -- finally connected today and he has no appointments until January.

I've been having such up and down days lately -- and getting to the point myself, where I want to start working on defining who I am, my sexuality, the direction of my life.

And now when I don't want to wait -- I have to wait.

In my head, I totally expected this -- this time of year is crazy for shrinks. But if he'd said to me we could start next week I'd have been ecstatic.

Tons of depression in me. Keeping busy and doing stuff helps. But I've been in some deep dark places in the past month or two.

So the shrink said he could talk with me on the phone next week. That's something. I'll at least feel like I'm more on the journey.

And I've decided if the depression becomes way big and seems to be getting the better of me, then I'll call my EAP (Employee Assistance Program = counselors you can talk to on the phone, maybe meeting with, its totally confidential), and if I might need meds, I'll go see my PCP -- he's pretty cool, and if I tell him where I'm at, I'm sure he'll prescribe something (though i hate to take meds).

I feel so at loose ends. I want to sit down with my lover, the people closest to me in my life and talk about what's going on with me.... cause I find myself thinking about this almost all the time. I know I can't talk to them. Its just not fair to lay stuff on them at this point, when I'm not really sure what this path will be.

Its complicated in that my lover and I met through friends -- and we pretty much share ALL the same friends. So any one I talk to, is going to feel for her.

Thanks for listening. Right now all of you on EC are the only people I can share this with.

Pete

 

So (being a total goof, please, don't take offense). Reasons I'm probably gay:

Going to the ballet this weekend
I wrap gifts really well
I'm really good at decorating
I throw great parties
Excellent taste in clothes
Like looking at the guys at the gym (well, good looking men anywhere)
I've bought the Joy of Gay Sex
Gay porn is so much better than straight porn
Fantasize about having sex with my friends, neighbors, random guys I see
I've downloaded ###### (but can't bring myself to put my pic up)

I'm still not convinced...

 

So --- light!

At the end of the day the doc calls, says there is a cancellation next week, would I like it...

So now I gotta speak about this struggle and where I'm at with it all.

I'm feeling better.