Hi I'm new here. I'm a 27-year old male. I've been going through somewhat of a tough time lately. I was wondering what you guys thought. I've been struggling with this issue of sexuality for the last 8 months. I have a wonderful girlfriend, and we love each other dearly. She's my angel, queen, etc. We've been together for close to 3 years now. I had a problem in my relationship though. I was addicted to porn, and it was intruding on our lives together, sexually and otherwise. I developed HOCD, which was an obsession of becoming gay. I hope none of you are offended by this. I really mean no offense. I know there are gay people that have reverse HOCD, which is the fear that they are becoming straight. So it goes both ways. I've quit porn, and am undergoing a program called a porn reboot, where your brain restores it's normal sexual functioning, without the hindrance of porn. So no porn, masturbation, orgasm (PMO) for 90 days. I have completed 47 days out of 90. 90 days is more or less an arbitrary number, and many people report positive changes for a long time afterwards. Something that has come to light for me recently, is that I have been having these unpleasant urges for guys. It's really kind of freaking me out. I had sort of man-crushes, where I would admire a guy before and even feel a connection, but anything sexual felt weird and unpleasant. I had grown up fantasizing strictly to women, being in relationships with women, and just loving and adoring women. Women were God's gift to me in every way. Beautiful, sweet, etc. It was really what I had wanted and lived for. I had urges for girls under-18 too, but that kind of went away recently. I know that younger girl urge is wrong too, but I'd much rather have that than the gay urge. Thing is, I can see how the above story happened. If you read about theories of the brain's neuroplasticity (ability to change), a straight male can really wire himself to anything, men, rocks, goats, etc. The sexual orgasm is the brain's most primal, powerful need (that's it's survival mechanism, reproduction) - and in neuroscience, cells that fire together wire together. The need for orgasm is especially pressing, because of it's importance to our genetic survival, whether we're straight, gay, whatever). I could j/o to a chair and say, "hey that felt good" and want it again. And orgasms wouldn't have much to do with our true sexual orientation. You can j/o to women and still be completely gay, because in the rational part of the brain, men are your true love if you're a guy. It just never felt that way to me before. But these urges I'm having right now (didn't have them like this before, other than that one time) are killing me! I want my sweet desire for women back! Fast forward to today. I am going through serious withdrawal from the porn. I'd love to see it again. But I am an addict, and I know that one peek would set me back big time. I'd love to see women more than anything else. But when I walk down the street, I see guys and get these "urges". I don't think I've really ever had this before. I hope it's not my inner gay self opening up and showing me who I really am. Not that I have anything against being gay - I've tried to accept it many times now. It's just that it would go against all my sweet, loving fantasies of being with women, and my woman. I can live with being bi and opening to these body feelings. But they do freak me out, I start to cry sometimes, and I panic. I would much rather be straight. I just spent my whole life loving women and now this? This is really bothering me. So my question to you guys is this: has anybody had an experience where they get these crazy feelings in their bodies and just want someone's cock? Or being with a guy? After a life of not just being with a woman, but seriously being in love with them for everything - their bodies, sexuality, emotions, everything? Has anyone ever discovered they were actually gay in this way? I'd like to know what you guys think. I want my love and attraction to women back (and it's totally possible amongst people who are rebooting from porn for it to go away for a while - it's called a "flatline" in our community), and I don't feel comfortable with the thought of being with a guy. Even if sexually, my body might want something, and I really hope it's the urge for any orgasmic sexual stimulation at this point. Because just the taste of a woman is enough to make me fall in love forever. And I hope this is not me being in denial. Has anybody here been in such denial? Though all the fantasy stuff about women and really loving, loving, loving them is 150% true. I guarantee it. P.S. I'm not a troll. Totally serious, everything I said above is completely honest. Thanks all for reading, and your help and input would be much appreciated. Cheers, M
Let me put something out there, bottom line: HOCD is largely believe to not exist if the "sufferer" does not experience any other OCD symptoms. If this is the only one you're having, it's unlikely that you developed OCD because you had an addiction to porn. You can refute otherwise if you'd like, but we've had enough people come around here and try and prove us wrong. Believe what you like, but most people disagree with the idea of HOCD, so if you're looking for confirmation of that, you probably won't find it here. I'd like you to tell that to the sexual part of my brain that couldn't get off to a woman if it tried. And trust me, I've tried. What you're describing is accurate. Sadly, while we do work off of evolutionary principles, we live in a society where "sexual survival" is not paramount to our needs. Yes, if you needed to you could hardwire your brain to think you need to sleep with a woman, but I guarantee you quite a few gay men would disagree with that statement. I'm one of those. I have no desire to have children, no desire to sleep with a woman. And I've taken quite a few psychology courses now, so I understand the importance evolutionary psychology plays in our lives. Additionally, if it's about sexual survival in the sense of passing our genes forward, there's an idea that kinship (i.e. helping people who share your genes, such as family) is also a very valid means. And there's studies to prove that. I would say you're experiencing denial to be honest. If you have feelings (emotional and sexual) towards women, I'd definitely say you're bi. Think of it this way for a second: not every gay male is totally comfortable with the idea of having sex with a guy immediately once they discover their attractions. Similarly, you shouldn't be comfortable with the idea either. You'd be surprised the lengths our brains go to to stick us in denial. If something is threatening our (sub)conscious, the brain does scary things to "protect" us. People are sexually fluid (women moreso than men, but I digress). It's quite possible that you've simply grown more attracted to men since you were a teen. Point is, I could theorize for days and days on why you're attracted to men, but ultimately you are attracted to men. Whether you choose to acknowledge that or not is up to you. In short, to answer your question: yeah, people get these crazy feelings in their bodies and just want someone's cock. We call those guys "gay" or "bi". I'm not going to go on and on in case you're intent on refuting what I say, just to save us all some time. But if you're interested in actually entertaining the idea that you don't actually have HOCD (because it likely doesn't exist) and may just be bi but in denial, then say so.
Hello Musician, It is weird that you posted this because I have been going through practically the same thing. Of course, my story is a little different because you grew up sexually attracted to women, while I grew up sexually attracted to men. Now, I never realized I had a porn addiction till I had trouble getting it up. I'm on day 66 and I am still in a flatline. It is weird because now I feel like I'm looking at girls. I don't want to do anything with them, but I still feel like I find them attractive (like I used to with men). All I can say is that you are not alone. I think about this everyday and it is starting to mess with my mind. I am just hoping when I come out on the other side of the recovery process that everything will work itself out.
Hey BudderMC, thank you for your point of view. I appreciate it. Hey Thyker, I am relieved (but not happy for either of us, of course), that I am not alone in this. I wish you much luck and success in your reboot, and to know that day 47 is not too late to experience a flatline. I am wishing your speedy recovery and to regain your attraction to men, and I wish for myself to regain my attraction to women.
Yeah man, the same thing is happening to me. I just made a post about it . It sucks, I'm pretty confused . I'll experience relief when I'm out I get turned on by girls, it'll put all my worries to rest but it just comes and goes I don't know what the hell it means .
Last night, when I was half-asleep, I tried fantasizing about a man that gave me this "urge/anxiety", but immediately, I turned to women and feelings of my old girlfriends and stuff. It felt sooo good to think of all those women. Felt perfect and right. Like true love or beautiful fantasy or whatever. In my fantasy life, I feel great fantasizing about women. It's the greatest thing for me. But in waking life, it's like I'm clutching at things that would give me stimulation, including men, and it really distresses me. I'd love to move on from porno-mind and to feel that love for women in reality. I was just wondering if it had happened to anyone on this site, where their primary love and fantasy had always been women, and it was their dream, but then all of a sudden they'd get these "urges", which would be sexual but would just feel wrong and make them cry. And then they'd wind up accepting it and coming out. I hope it's just porn withdrawal. Thanks for your support, everyone.
You don't appear to have lost your liking for women. You have just discovered you like men too. After you emerge from your self-imposed ascetic period, I recommend you listen to your body and let yourself feel honest, earnest desire for whoever sets your heart racing.
Just be yourself, remember that love is love, and forget the rest. Labels aren't really important (though if you find one that you think defines you well and you want to use it, you should feel free to do so) - finding love is really all anyone is after.
