I'm new to the blogging/forums and everything, but I've decided it may be the best way for me to start exploring the lifestyle I've run from in the past years. I can't remember a day in my life when I haven't thought about guys, and I've only recently been able to acknowledge my bisexuality. The problem is that I've no idea how to move forward with it. I'm not even sure if I'm just bisexual, or gay. Bisexual has just been what I fall back on when I try to rationalize it and fool myself into thinking it's not as bad as it seems. To add salt to the wound, I'm a virgin, at least, for the most part (if that makes sense). I've done some, and I mean very limited, experimentation with guys, and everything in me wishes I could stop those little voices that keep telling me what I did was wrong, immoral, and will only lead to depression and hurt. I begin to open up, and then I get scared; scared of hurting myself, of hurting someone else, and of the world figuring out and collapsing around me. I've told some of my friends, and even my siblings, but I was raised by a father who's a little, how should I say it, old fashioned? When a gay guy shows up on the television he changes the channel and says, "It's disgusting, isn't it? Just look at the way he walks. Listen to how he talks. They're sick, aren't they?" All I can do is leave the room knowing that some day he'll be saying that about me...maybe he already does. I hate being stuck in this cycle, and I'm tired of waiting. My high school years were spent fooling others until I got home, then locking myself in my room and beating myself up, both mentally and physically. I've begun to hate the way I am, and how I can't figure out how to be straight. I want either of two things: to change what I am and be straight, or at least figure out for sure if I'm gay, so I can get the hurt from my family over with. As for girls, I just can't force myself to be interested. I've had girlfriends, but I've never been able to take it to that level, so it never lasted long. I wish I could find some answers. I've been crying in the darkness for what seems like forever. I just wish I wasn't so terrified to be me, or to figure out just who exactly I am...
First off all, Welcome to Ec, and it seems like you could use a hug. (*hug*) It doesnt seem as though you are terrified of yourself, rather terrified for everyone else. Bisexuality is a lovely hiding place. It gives you the hope that you can go on with your life and never speak of your "difference". No matter what you happen to be, you have to recognize that you dont deserve to suffer like this. The only difference between orientational satisfaction is the mindset of society. The only enjoyment you will miss out on in your life is the enjoyment you stop yourself from having. My father was fairly homophobic to say the least, and although it didnt really effect me, for lack of any real relationship with him to begin with, all pain does subside with time. At the end of the day you have to remember that you are just as amazing as everyone else. There isnt any reason why someone should not love and accept you for the way you are. If your loved ones dont, it will sting for a while, but you cant allow them to prevent you from living your life and being happy. And that means being yourself, not being something you arent. Life doesnt have a will of its own. If we want it to get better, we just have to get stronger.
This attitude has rubbed off a bit on you and made you feel that to some degree he may be correct. I recall that in my early 20s I was comfortable with myself, but very turned off by guys who were slightly effeminate. It was a condition I was conditioned to in my upbringing. I was taught that it was unattractive and odd or weird. Now that I am much older, those kinds of thoughts are long gone. It was both in myself and other which I hated. Now I live the way I live and am the way I am and am basically happy. I think you will grow out of these kinds of self-hate feelings and begin to feel good about yourself, but you must get away from these negative people first. Then you need to make friends with gays and straights who do not judge people that way. I would if I were you focus on what you are besides the sexual part. Leave the sexuality development issue alone for a bit, and develop who you are as a man first. Are you into any activities like sports, art, drawing, music, or technologies? I would find out who you are in the bigger picture, and absorb that subject and become versed in it. That is who you actually are. Then yes, you are a gay man after that. Like a doctor or a director who happens to be gay. This way your mind is on the big picture, and who you sleep with is none of anyone's business but your's. But if you want to tell someone that you are gay, then they can know this after they know who and what you are really about. As far as exploring this side of your sexuality, it is good that you have decided it is time to think about it and move forward. You can move very slow if you like. I had very little sex from the age 19 to 30. I just did not feel good about being too active since AIDS had arrived shortly before, and I hated bars and drinking. So I went slow and have no regrets. But since you wrote out your thoughts, you seem to have at least come to a few conclusions yourself, and have already told a few people. So you are advanced a bit beyond many who come here and are also frightened about what it all means. Welcome to you new understanding, and congrats on your brave post about yourself. Don't be afraid of yourself, or terrified about being attracted to guys. There has never been a time in our history where gay men are being accepted in just about any career, and more men and boys are coming out. The more that are out, the more it becomes accepted as normal. It is going to be alright for you. Just get away from the negative people.
I'm not sure what to say. I didn't really expect to get any replies. I was more or less posting to vent these emotions (writing is the best way I know how), but it's nice to know that I'm not alone, that there is a place for me somewhere. I suppose it's just a matter of finding where that place is? As far as getting away from the negative people, it's definitely crossed my mind. I live in Eastern Kentucky and the majority of the population, as I've seen so far, is intolerant. But moving away is a big step that I doubt I'm ready to take at 19. I'm going to school, and maybe there will be a transfer in my future years, not to mention some travelling. It's just that I struggled through high school, and I'm eager to figure it out. After all the uncertainty and insecurity, I feel as if the only way out is to hurry up and figure it out. Maybe it just feels so intimidating because of my age? But it's hard to focus on anything else! Especially being in a fraternity. I hear the jokes the other guys make. I know it's not necessarily that they would say those things directly to me, but being around them when they don't know, I know the things they'd say when I'm not around. But I'm rambling...I've been accused of over analyzing a lot, over thinking the situation. But thank you for the advice! I'm glad I decided to sign up for this website, it looks like it can offer a lot of help and support.
I think you should make a plan to work or study in a more queer-friendly place at some point, even if it's only for a little while. Canada, Australia, even some of the States are fairly queer-friendly. Taking a break from the people you grew up with can be a huge help in figuring out what you really want in life.
