Not that she's dead; I just won't see her again, or talk to her again. I'm 27 years old. Bear with me if that post gets long; I really need to get it out my chest, and I really appreciate if anybody reads and comments, thanks!! (*hug*) Short on my childhood: my mother supposedly raised me and my younger sisters, as in, we were living in her house, but it was actually our grandparents who did most of the job. As we grew up, it ended up being me, and then nobody. We just raised ourselves. My mom was distant; she would only show proof that she loved us or that she cared when she felt like it, which was, say, once or twice a week. Me personally, I was an introvert child who really craved having a close family and lots of love. Obviously I did my best to be the best little girl for my mom, the doll that she wanted, but it only brought me pain in the long run. I really didn't know why she was so distant but I never judged, assuming that maybe all moms feel this way. Understand that each time I would ask for something, even if it's just time or emotional support, I'd be made fun of and put down by my mom. She apparently wanted to encourage independence and saw my younger me asking for basic care, a weakness. I learned never to ask her anything again, even when I was homeless. I grew up and spread my wings. We lived in different cities, me and my mom. We used to write to each other pleasant letters; that worked because she could read it whenever she wanted and reply whenever she wanted. Never anything asked, no disappointment, and no mention of our youth. I mentioned my transition as a transman though, my happy marriage with my wife and other big stones I passed. She tended to completely ignore what she didn't want to know. BUT All of a sudden, she breaks up with her abusive boyfriend of 13 years, sells her house and plans on moving to the city I'm in. She sends me a bunch of money for the first time in my life and we get closer, on the phone and such. It becomes my pleasure to help her find a place and move, help her with her job and all. She says that she wants to be a closer mom, and a good grandma (I had my first kid by then). You understand that I became hopeful; I let myself think of the grandma phenomenon when a parent who has grandchildren has time and experience improve them as parents and makes them much better at it. I also though, woooo a babysitter Plus, my kids get a grandparent (we have no family in this city). My joy comes to a slow down when after she's installed, she starts finding all sorts of excuses not to see us or babysit. At first, it's her: because she wants to rest before going to work, because she'd already worked out that day, because she has plans with friends. Then, it's the environment: Oh the sky is gray, so no, she'd rather not go, or it's too hot, too cold, her car needs washed, and so on. Then, lately, it's us: our daughter is too young to be any fun for her to babysit, she feels uneasy about me being transgender and my wife being transsexual, we're too messy for her, she feels helpless about me being sick and so on. And she restarted her little blaming game for when we ask her a service, avoiding to help us altogether and putting us down practically each time. We ended up having a mature talk about this and well, I decided to loose my hopefulness and to just refrain from asking her anything anew. She made it clear that in her mind, she wanted to be friends with me. She is completely oblivious to the concept that once you're a mom, you're always a mom, and even if it may show up as friendship the maternal link is always stronger than mere friendship somehow. That's a psychological phenomenon. Of course, I felt disappointed and I told her so. I'm her son and I will always need to know that I have a mom somewhere who loves and accepts me for me, no matter what. But then.... she wrote me a long letter stating all the points in which I disappoint her. Yes, yes she did. Every single thing that makes me different from that doll daughter that she wanted out of me, every single value that I have that's different than hers, every single life choice I made, it's all a big disappointment to her. This rejection from a mother to her son is so unfathomably throughout and deep felt that it's worse than if she just died. Now she is forever banned from our family bubble, she is just another face in the crowd, like my wife put it. My daughters will not know their grandparents at all. Saying this is a loss is putting it mildly. I asked my wife to watch for signs that my parenting is affected by my new baggage and to help prevent such a thing. I Have mourned many things and many people in my life but it's the first time that I mourn something that never was, something that I needed so badly. I'd be a fool if I tried to convince myself that I don't still need to have my mom, or at least memories of her being somehow maternal. How can I deal with this baggage?
awww i am so sorry to hear about that! :'(, and personally i think to help maybe you should think back to all the good times and erase all the bad times, i understand some people can't take the pressure of not have a typical son or daughter and i think you handled it very maturely, and always remember you have your wife and daughter. you will always love your mom but don't try to forever deny her access to you, everybody has good and bad days or months or years! just remember if you lose your mom now, you have lost her for life! i know i'm only 13 and i'm not really an expert in the subject but i hope i help xx <3
So much grief, man, so much grief. I'm sorry, you have my sympathies. Your feelings about this, pain, sadness, loss, all so real. In my life, I've found that those kind of feelings never really go away. They do get less acute, they're less hurtful over time. I've found that I need to both embrace my pain and sadness, at the same time I do everything I can to keep my life moving. You know, the stuff that makes life go on -- family, kids, friends, work, church, cleaning the house, shopping.... whatever it is. And slowly, all that other stuff gives a perspective to the pain and loss. And then I wake up, and the first or second thing isn't the pain, but the smile of my kid, the touch of my lover, the purring of the cat, looking up in the sky and seeing an amazing moon. Left brain talking here -- there is absolutely nothing worse than having toxic people in your life. They screw with you mentally, they make the day to day stuff ridiculous. Life seems crazy stupid when they're around, and you feel like crap. I've been there... it hurts like hell to cut them off and put boundries in place. But it is the healthy thing to do. Be good, be sad, be whatever you need to be. Miss what your mom could have and should have been. Keep your life full and hold your lover, kids, friends close. Its ok to have baggage, eventually it'll move to the attic or basement, at some time you'll be able to toss it out. Pete
Thank you for your input, lifeofmaterial. I also know that with who I am, I always did my best, over and beyond, so she's the only one to blame for this. And believe me this is the first time I think this way in my whole life! Thing is, if I did like you suggested and somehow erased from my memories all the bad times (I did that for a while by the way), I wouldn't remember why I shouldn't expect anything from her that a normal mom would do/be. I would keep hitting the same wall and be hurt over and over again by being put down by her. Also, it's me regaining my hopefulness that got us in this mess. If I had realized that she wasn't to change, even with age and experience, nobody would have been hurt now and it wouldn't have come to this. Remember that I'm raising kids now and they need stability as well, I can't really afford to offer them an unreliable grandma who is very likely to reject them as well for the least that they aren't exactly like what she wants them to be (which, by the way, isn't the typical kid. She really just wants dolls that she can put away and ignore for days, and them not have needs and keep smiling). So, yeah, keeping a crack on the door for her to step back in our lives is not really an option right now. ---------- Post added 1st Dec 2012 at 07:15 AM ---------- That's the best piece of advice I've had, ever. Thank you so much, Pete, I'm going to keep your kind words saved where I can go back and read them again when the needs comes up.
I could not agree with you more Pete, particularly the notion of eviscerating toxic influences. It's amazing how people can burrow into your psyche and totally demolish your self-esteem, even when you thought you no longer cared about their opinion, even when you KNOW that their words are based on their own issues and not any of your own supposed faults. As Pete said, it's ok to have that baggage, everybody has it in some form or another. And it's ok to let yourself mourn the loss of a relationship that could have been, but you can't let it overtake you permanently. It does sound like you have an amazing wife, with whom you have precious children. Focus on building the family that you all need, want and deserve. It's not about blocking out all of what you went through with you mother, but finding a balance between your emotions that allows you to deal with your past in a constructive and healthy way, and moving yourself forward, better armed to deal with whatever life throws at you. I feel like I'm sort of just reiterating what Pete said, but he is right in so many ways (and it's 5am, so I'm starting to get sort of sleepy). I really hope you can find some peace with this.
This is a really awful thing to happen to you. I can't imagine how damaging to have this kind of reaction from your mother. I'm not a great advice giver, but I just want to say that everyone here on EC is totally supportive of you. If your mother can turn around and say those kind of things to you, then she is not performing her role as the person who is supposed to look after you. It may hurt right now, but in the long run you're better off without such a person in your life. I also want to say how awesome it is that you thought of your kids first in this situation despite all of the pain your are experiencing personally. You must be an amazing dad and your kids are lucky to have you.
I would say forgive her, but do not forget her, Forgive her in terms to rid yourself of the baggage, But don't forget her so she can come back and reject you again. It is a cold decision, and a selfish one, however, she demonstrated no repentance of her attitude towards you. Your main concern is for your immediate family. And you need the least amount of emotional baggage to carry as possible. I would even consider a court order that she cannot contact you, your spouse, or children. Since her last contact was for her selfish gain. You want to forgive her for your sake, you do not want her dominating your thought processes, and at the same time you don't want her to cause you any more pain. It totally sucks, but she left you with just that option.
Agreed and thanks for reading and commenting(*hug*) ---------- Post added 2nd Dec 2012 at 10:29 AM ---------- Thanks!! For the support and all. This is one of the greatest points about EC; supportive people who care. I'm glad to be part of it Being an amazing dad is really easy..! And I'm also really proud of the family I'm building with my loving wife. Kids come first; which makes most sense since they are dependent of our care until they become adults, but my wife's always going to be by my side no matter what as a life companion and that's really priceless. I expect my kids to be whoever they are, to evolve, to make mistakes, to be ungrateful, to amaze me, but we had kids to give to them and not to receive anything from them, that's how it's supposed to be in my opinion. Sorry if I ramble but this happened so recently and there's still this turmoil in my head. ---------- Post added 2nd Dec 2012 at 10:33 AM ---------- I am vaguely conscious that I'm going to have to work on forgiving her someday but I'm just not there yet. I don't think a court order will be needed as she'd probably be more than happy to stay away from us
