I've debated writing this. But I just need to get all these thoughts out. I don't want to be gay or bi or whatever I am right now. The more I think about this the more I am leaning towards more gay than bi. I remember telling my counselor repeatedly "I don't want to get married and settle down in domestic bliss. I want to travel and see the world." I finally admitted during our last session, I don't want to be married to a man. I also realize I dated and dated and dated and dated hoping to outrun these desires. I don't want to be gay. I don't. But I am. I got asked on date for tonight by a guy. I said yes. I want out of the house and maybe we'll have a good time. A good friend of mine who I came out to told me to just stop the nonsense and hang out with them and stop trying to be someone else. I'm just so confused because I do have attraction to men. But as I told my counselor and something she also pointed out, it's more on an intellectual level. Whenever I speak of men I have dated or been attracted to me, it's more intellectual than physical. I've had plenty of sex with men, but it's always lacking. My heart longs for, desires, a deeper connection with women. A woman. I don't even know where to begin. But I cannot deny this part of me. It's such a key part of why I have felt so lost for so many years. It just feels as if it would be so much simpler to just be with a nice man, fall in love (which I've never truly done with a man) and have the proverbial pretty little life. Except I was married before. And I felt like I was dying inside. Even friends noticed that my passion was dying. And it wasn't him completely. I'm like that with every man. They get a bit close and I find reasons to either sabotage the relationship or run away. Even the one man I miss having a relationship with the most it's because we connected so strongly intellectually. The last time we had sex, I ran into the bathroom bawling. He looked at me and said I need to figure out what is going on with me. From some discussions we have had, he knows. But he's kind enough to let me figure it out. I could see him becoming one of my closest friends. I know I'm so overthinking this and need to continue to follow my counselor's advice and continue with self-reflection and meditation to center myself. I'm so torn. And this hurts a lot. I finally have figured out who I am and I'm happy but incredibly sad. Why does this have to be so hard?
First of all...(*hug*)(*hug*) I'm so sorry this is causing you so much hurt and sadness. Second of all...I SOOO get it. I'm working through these feelings...really working through them...for the first time, too. I'm still leaning towards bi, but I have my fleeting moments where I think that I'm not attracted to men at all...but I think that's my insecurities coming out. My therapist told me he'd never met someone who was so conflicted by it. I didn't know what to say to that. Like you said, I'm happy I've figured myself out, but I'm not happy about it. I wish I knew why it was so hard. I wonder that myself. I've been talking a lot about it this week both here and with the one friend I have who I've come out to...and it's caused my anxiety level to be through the roof. I've been a train wreck every day. It IS hard. You're not alone in that. I think, from what I'm getting here, and from my therapist, and from my friend, is that this is just going to take time to work through and to find happiness, or at least contentment. (*hug*) I have faith it will get easier, and that is my hope for you, too...that you can find that same faith.
Thank you shybigirl4. My counselor told me I looked terrified, lol. I know I'll figure this out. I just don't know what to expect now. Guess I'll find out as I go.
First of all, you need a big hug (*hug*) Now, from what you have written, you seem to find yourself easily connecting emotionally and intellectually to guys, but only seems to be able to have intimate physical relationships with women. Although I am no expert in this, I believe you might be a homosexual, but Heteromantic? By what I have written above I meant that you have sexual attractions towards people of your same sex, but have emotional attraction to people of the opposite sex, maybe you may simply be Bisexual or even Gay. Sexuality and attraction are fluid things, and it's very difficult to, metaphorically put them into neatly defined boxes. Some people spend their entire lives figuring out their sexuality, so my advice is not to be too caught up in it...It seems that some of your emotions have been repressed for so long that they're buried really deep. It may take some time for all of it to float to the surface and see the light. Finally, if this issue is really troubling you, then I would suggest refraining from dating altogether for a while, it's not going to be healthy if you go on dates with people you're unsure of your attraction to, and the physical part of the relationship ending in tears. It's going to be even worse if you do not have prior understanding with that person, leading to misunderstandings and more emotional trauma. Finally, I want to applaud on your efforts in seeking out a therapist. Finding professional help is always the first step, and I'm so glad you've already taken it.
Well said! I don't think I've been through that kind of confusion...but I do have some of it. I know I'm attracted to guys but sometimes I just feel straight or gay or even bi sometimes, and it's sorta is hard....but you can muscle through it! Just be patient with yourself, you are who you are, and nothing in the world is really going to make you change. Of course you might be tired of that sort of talk, but it's true! You can do this...Try to befriend other lgbt people especially lesbians, you'll feel better when your surrounded by people who are like you . I hope that helps, good luck and best of wishes!
thank you for all of the advice. I feel I should clarify, when I say sex with men has been lacking for me, I mean, physically, it's ok, sometimes great. But it doesn't satisfy that deeper level of intimacy I need. I've only found that feeling of completeness when I've been with women. I'm not going on the date tonight. Everyone is right, it's wrong. And he is nice guy who doesn't deserve to be hurt since I know I desire no longer term commitment from him. I guess to simplify it: I've always been able to receive pleasure from men and women sexually, but it has only been when I was with women that I felt like "OMG, this feels more natural than anything I have ever experienced" if that makes any sense. I have an amazing counselor who I trust enough to talk very freely with. I am also the type who is very much an inward focused person, so I know I'll get where I need to be. I'm really grateful for this site, so much.
I feel the same way. This is the first place where I feel like I can really talk about this and, and it's accepted. Love this site.
Hi, MizzShelly! I'm so sorry that this is causing you so much agony. I feel your pain because I'm going through the same exact thing. It's not easy, it hasn't been easy for me for years. I've been in and out of the closet since I was 19 and it's been mentally exhausting. I don't want to be gay either, but I've accepted it; I'm learning to accept it everyday, but it's hard. So, I've been learning to take things one day at a time. I told myself that I was going to stop trying to change who I am. I think you did the right thing by canceling that date, although you're not entitled to make any commitments. And speaking of commitments, I used to sabotage my relationships with men too. I think I broke a few hearts, which I feel terrible about. I lost a few friends down the line as well. I guess now, I know why I was so opposed to marriage, but the idea of marrying a guy is what I was really opposed to. I should have known that I was gay a while ago, but I was in denial. I can remember playing house with my female friends when I was younger and I crushed on girls growing up. I hate that I tried to conform to society because it did not work. And I guess it's okay to be ”different.” Then again I think being bi/gay is normal because it seems like everyone I know likes women. How about you try telling yourself ”I'm gay” in the mirror; I laughed every time I said it. It felt good, but it hurt me to admit it because I didn't want to be gay. I never came out to my doctor, perhaps I should have told her. I don't know why I don't want to be gay. I mean, women are beautiful, so what's not to love? Whenever I'm feeling down about being gay I turn to a lot of Selp-Help books and they really work. There's some really good articles online as well, you should check them out. I hope I made you feel a little better...you're not alone. The people I turn to for support irl are probably tired of me complaining. If you ever wanna talk I'm here
Pink, thank you. I've had two good friends (one bi, one gay) let me know they have an open door for me to talk. I just hate being a bother. I think that's why I like online forums so much. If someone is free and wants to answer, they can. No problem. I relate to what you say "Why be upset about being gay? Women are beautiful" and I'll go further to add, "and if that will be what brings happiness?" I am blessed that I am surrounded by very open friends. I can only think of maybe 1 or 2 who would take issue with it. Everyone else would be great. My first guy friend I told was honored I trusted him enough to tell him first. We're going on a trip in Jan or Feb for a weekend. He just jokes that this changes his plans...ha ha. But he is so open and loving to the world, I feel okay being myself around him. I have an ex that I have opened up completely to. He is actually the one that brought it up to me about preferring women over men. He is very okay with it since he's so open towards sexuality. So I guess in that aspect, I'm lucky to be surrounded by such loving people. Now I have to work on loving myself through this and figuring out how to work through this new awareness about myself. I also have friends, when I'm ready, who are willing to take me out and introduce me to the LBTG community so I can meet more people. I guess one blessing out of this is realize how many amazing people I have amassed in my life.
