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Scared

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Brom20, Dec 2, 2012.

  1. Brom20

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    Hey guys and girls,
    I don't know exactly where to begin so I thought I'll just tell my whole story for those who take time to read :slight_smile:. I am 21 years old now and I had my first boyfriend when I was 16. At that point I knew I was gay and there was no need to try and hide it. I just felt like it was so natural and that I am not doing anything wrong! I didn't feel like anyone even needs to know however slowly but surely I started having a feeling of guilt. You see I shared most of my life with my parents and even though we were a troubled family (my dad was an alcoholic and my mom is emotionally abusive), we still supported each other in need. That ended during one of the conversations with my mom. I was driving in a car with her and I asked her "Mom, just hypothetically, what would you do if I were gay?" and she responded "I would give you away to orphanage and get another kid to raise because I obviously would have failed as a mother". This was a bit shocking to me since I was always taught that it is ok to be different and that love doesn't know gender or place etc. That's when my confusion begun. I started getting scared that someone will find out I have a boyfriend. It seemed to nonimportant at this time still but as the years went by I was more and more scared and slept with more and more guys. I don't get why I did it but I did. Then the feelings of gult for being gay changed ALSO into feelings of guilt sleeping with so many guys (like 15 or so) (still too much for me). You see I felt guilty and still do because I did, do and always will believe that love is teh only place for sex. Anyway, when I turned 18 I decided I need to leave somewhere, anywhere (im from Poland btw) and since my dad just moved to Denmark I was like "fuck yeah Im going". And so I did. In Denmark I tried lying to my friends about being straight, and since when Im relaxed Im quite a nice guy I became very popular. I mean after 2 years of not going to that highschool anymore people still know me somehow. But that turned out to be the grudge of me. I felt in need to hide being gay more and more and in the end I got a girlfriend, the had sex with like 3 girls and started lying to MYSELF! WHich I NEVER EVER EVER EEEVEER had done before. I think that was so disgusting of me to do. ANyway after a while I became a bit psychotic, drinking and smokong weed all the time just to forget my dirty secret which became REALLY dirty. I led a double life, sometimes I met with guys just for a single fuck and then came back and everything was ok. People started talking (at school) that Im a pothead but they had no idea why. In the end I told myself "Bart youre not gay, and if you are something made you that way" so I thought hard and long and I figured out "hmm well, damn my mother raped me". And with that thought I ran out of the house crying, my friend took me to her house and left me since she had to go to work. And at this point whatever I was doing I did NOT control. Like my body just kind of moved on its own. So I went up to the kitchen, opened a drawer and grabbed a kitchen knife. I pressed it against my chest and started pushing it harder and harder into my skin. Suddenly I kind of woke up and thought a few things "STOP!" then "Why the fuck am I doing this?" then "I can't do this anymore" so I grabbed a phone and called my doctor, told him I wanna die and they sent me to a mental asylum for a week or so. (Fun fact, while in the asylum, while I was in the bathroom I was stripping in front of a mirror dancing and singing to Michaeo Jacksons song and didn't notice a psychiatrist and a nurse entering my room, so they saw the whole show... yay) Well in teh mental asylum they told me Im not insane and I decided to go back to living with my emotionally abusive parents. AFter all they're family. Everything was slowly SLOOWLY getting a bit better. However good things don't last long. My whole family found out I told people my mom raped me. Which I did and I am not proud of... I dont even think she raped me anymore (score for being delusional). And then I told my aprents Im gay. FIrst I told my mom, turned on "I want to break free" and told my mom. She was shocked. then when I told both my parents they started screaming, my dad locked himself in the basement calling me a liar and my mom said its my choice and I am screwing up my life. So I still decided to keep it secret. I didnt wanna have a fucked up life (ironically cause I was so fucked up anyway). Now fast forward half a year of slowly pulling my shit together, I decided to come out to my parents again since they didnt believe me. They started screaming at me again and said "Its your choice, you're a weird human being" etc. So I knew I have no help from them and came out to some friends in Denmark. All were supportive and hugged me and we even talked about like private sex stuff xD. Im reaching a conclusion now. You see for a long time now I keep thinking about NOTHING but that Im gay like this secret is eating me up so this friday being on a party not able to focus and saying mean things because I was nto thinking or unable to think clearly, I told my classmates (a pre party event thing) that Im gay. They were really nice, some were like "uhmm ok" and it felt great. But I had a girlfriend at school and she doesnt know yet. Well anyway I am a major douchebag for not telling her first but we kind of don't like each other. Now to the part where I need advice. I AM SO SCARED! I am scared out of my wits. I don't know what will happen on monday, I still think about being gay because Im scared someone will start screaming fag. I think it's because of my previous experiences but Im so scared to admit to myself its ok to be gay. I feel terrified that I wonte ever be myself, normal again. I sometimes think Im not normal, that Im disgusting, ugly, pathetic. And the worst part is I need to talk abuot it to people because it makes me feel better but I am afraid when I talk to them too much about it, they will get bored of me or wont wanna cope with me whining about being gay all the time :frowning2: Now how long? or how do I cope with this fear? WIll I ever? Do you think it was ok for me to come out of teh closet? (Denmark is super duper liberal). Should I have lied and lived with my secret? How do I lead my life from now on? I don't knwo what to do anymore. Please someone, help me out....

    I know it's a bit long but if you read it, thank you SO MUCH. It means the world to me.
     
  2. Jameson

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    I'm really sorry, but could you please separate this into smaller paragraphs and such. It's a bit hard to read! :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  3. Night Rain

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    I read the whole thing. :slight_smile: Of course you should be true to yourself. You know from first-hand experience how it kills you inside to pretend to be straight. What you need to do now is to settle with your girlfriend. She needs to know, and you have to end the relationship anyway.
    I can't really help you cope with your fear. Just know that it will eventually pass and everything will feel better. It may be tough at first, but in the long run, it will be better for you and you'll be much happier. Good luck. :slight_smile:
     
  4. Brom20

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    thanks so much for the response :slight_smile: I did break up with the girl. Really, I am starting to actually believe that it gets better xD Thanks night rain I actually just needed to be assured that it will be better :slight_smile:
     
  5. SkyTears

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    Like Night Rain said- it can kill you to pretend to be something that you know you aren't. Things might be scary at first but I have to say over time things do get better. You'll learn to relax and be happy with yourself.
    Hope you feel better
     
  6. Lad123

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    First of all, you are not ugly, disgusting or pathetic. Being gay is perfectly normal. I think it just takes time to accept yourself. The fear of people judging you for being gay is crippling, but really, it's all in your head. We have built up this fear for so long that it has manifested into something much bigger than it actually is. I understand how scary it is because there is nobody to talk to or who can relate but this is just the beginning of the journey and it will get better.

    Yes I think it was the right thing to come out of the closet. We shouldn't have to keep our orientation a secret or be ashamed of ourselves. Keeping it in and lying to others would have only stalled the inevitable because you would have probably come out in the future anyway, so it's much better sooner than later. Plus you even said Denmark is super liberal and that's great :slight_smile:

    Only time will help you become more at ease with yourself. The people around you will have become adjusted to your coming out aswell and they won't be phased from you talking about guys. When you reach that stage, perhaps you could ask some friends to go with you to gay bars or venues for support ect. Things will be fine (*hug*)
     
  7. Brom20

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    Thanks everyone, I really needed this *gives a huge hug to everyone* :slight_smile: