Hey EC! Let me start by saying that I don’t really know what I want to say, just that I want to say something… :bang: I pretty much accepted being gay months ago and even “liked” it, you know, being special in a way. I just didn’t realize how much I had accepted it ‘cause now that I’m in college and far from home, it’s kind of being bursting out of me. Or been close to. I came out to my closest friend here on a total impulse, simply because the topic of homosexuality came up and he was obviously fine with it. He’s the only one that knows. I really don’t adhere to the stereotype so he was totally shocked (and now doubts the sexuality of everybody lol :lol. The thing is the topic of homosexuality and marriage and stuff comes up very often everywhere and especially in college really with the recent election and all. And I just find it really hard not to just blurt it out, confess that this thing that they are (always positively) talking about, I am. And it’s not only that. Talking about girls with my guy friends, I often get asked who I’d “hit” or date. Now, this bothers me because of the objectification of women, but on the personal level, I can totally admit a girl is hot or beautiful or funny and say that I would date them, etc. but I feel like such a liar when I say so. Because I wouldn’t. I just want to come out so bad, to talk about guys I like. But I promised myself I wouldn’t come out to anybody else until I told my parents. I know it’s completely paranoid and unlikely (they’re in a different country for goodness sake!), but I don’t want them to find out through somebody else. But I just find it so hard to keep on hiding it, keep on containing it when every single day there is some impulse for coming out, some lie I’m telling about who I really am. In three weeks I’ll be home so this is kind of pointless now, I guess… But am I being silly in wanting to wait to go back home? It’s just that I also want the most important people in my life (my family) to know first. Now, part of me is scared that I won’t have the guts to tell them. I have absolutely no issue with telling anyone at college that I am gay, be they apparently supportive or not. I really don’t mind. But telling my mother or my father or my brother… It makes my skin creep and my heart jump in delight at the same time. I have blurry memories of my parents or someone in the family saying that being gay was a disease. I can’t pinpoint who it was or anything, though on one occasion years ago, my brother found some gay stuff in my pc and asked me about it, implying it was a disease. I, of course, denied it. Nowadays, my mom has often defended gay people, I quote “because it could happen to us, it could be our children”. I took this to just imply that she knows. And I was so ready to come out to her over the holidays. But then, talking to her a few weeks ago, I mention in pass an LGBT program offered by my university. Her response was that they (or rather we) gays were trying to recruit others to join us. Just hearing that completely discouraged me from coming out. Every illusion I had of her being completely embracing shattered. I just don’t know how she will take it and this just leaves me so confused. I don’t know what to do. I cannot afford to lose my mom over this, or my dad or my brother either, I just can’t. Forget the fact that I totally rely on them financially, they are the only stable thing in my life, ever. I don’t know how I could live without them. But not knowing in advance how they will take it just makes me second guess my coming out, and I’m so depressed about it because just a month ago I was completely sure I would get this over with… I thought about telling my brother. Though he did make that comment about the gay porn-disease thing, it was years ago. Nowadays, I know for a fact he has a lesbian friend and has made very gay-positive comments, going as far as joking about my mom’s ‘homophobic’ comments (they weren’t homophobic, just… stereotypical). I think he probably even knows about me; I mean, would you forget if you found gay porn in your little brother’s computer? And ever since my brother left for college, he has being really protective of me. Just not directly. He asks my parents about me, gives them advice for me through them, but never actually talks to me. It’s a weird relationship. I trust him probably more than anybody in the world, I know he loves me and I love him so much, but we don’t talk. We don’t share. I found out he had a girlfriend through my parents. I found out they broke up through a mutual friend. I really wish we did share, but there’s this awkwardness between us that I don’t know how to break. I’m kind of hoping that telling him I’m gay will bring us together. Especially if I enlist him in helping me tell my parents. I can’t be sure he will help though, or that he’ll even be fine with it. My whole family is just a huge question mark. I love them but I have no clue how they’ll react, and it scares me back into the closet. So, having said all this, who do you think I should come out to first, if at all? I’m still strongly inclined to coming out, though not as much as before. And I know that come the holidays I’ll chicken out… I have to try to fight. Well, that’s it sorry about the length. I did not know I had all of this in my mind ‘til I wrote it down. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for postin here but any replies will be greatly appreciated!
