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BF is forcing me to come out to my Dad

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Tireheb, Dec 3, 2012.

  1. Tireheb

    Regular Member

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    Hi,
    I need advice on the situation I am facing at the moment.
    I live in Australia, more than 5000 km away overseas from my (divorced) parents, and I see them once a year max.
    I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend here for almost two years (my first long relationship to date), he's out to everyone he knows and his family is very accepting, they've also been especially caring with me.
    A year ago he managed to convince me to come out to my mother, which I did by email; her answer was supportive and a good affirmation of her affection, although she said she wasn't the right person to convince me to chose women over men, she also said I shouldn't out myself to her father (my grandfather who's a huge bigot) and to mine (who still supports me and who has a VERY unpredictable temper).

    My father is coming to visit me for the first time this christmas. My boyfriend insists on meeting my Dad and spending some of christmas with us. But I don't feel ready to come out to my Dad at all yet, to the point that I keep on having nightmares of things going wrong with my father meeting my boyfriend.
    I told my boyfriend I didn't feel like it was a good idea and that I'd rather do that once I am totally independent (and even then it would be quite hard as my Dad and his family are very conservative, and I am my deceased grandfather's only grandson amidst a sea of granddaughters), I said that we can stay in touch during the 10 days my father is here (my stepmother and half-sister as well), but I will be spending most time with them and that he is not invited (my dad is not very socially skilled and a self-avowed misanthrope, so my loud extravert of a BF wouldn't even have such a good time).
    My boyfriend doesn't want to talk to me anymore, after accusing me of being a homophobe, selfishly focused on my comfort, and of wanting to make him cease to exist. That some of his friends did very well for themselves without their parents' support.
    His best friend told him he was too good to be someone's little secret, whilr I tried to explain that my decision was unrelated to his value as a person and as a boyfriend but purely an affair of how I deal with my family.
    While if the situation was reversed I would feel perfectly fine not meeting his parents, I do feel guilty of not being able to reciprocate their welcoming-ness.

    Is my decision completely immoral and crazy? What should I do?
    I don't want my boyfriend to break up with me over this!
     
    #1 Tireheb, Dec 3, 2012
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2012
  2. BudderMC

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    Your decision is not unreasonable, unmoral, or crazy. In fact, I think it's very wise. If your dad is supporting you and you're unable to support yourself (currently), then it probably isn't a good idea to come out to him if you feel he'll take it badly. Additionally, coming out over the holidays is probably not a great idea - you drop the "oh, I like guys" and "oh, here's my boyfriend who's staying for 10 days" bombs at the same time.

    On the other hand, I do think your boyfriend is being unreasonable. I think it's fine for him to be upset that he can't spend the holidays with you, but I think for him to call your actions selfish (and homophobic?) is nonsense. It's likely that he's just expressing his displeasure poorly, but still inappropriate in my opinion. Having been closeted at one point himself he should be able to understand your worries around the situation.

    Can you make your boyfriend not break up with you over this? Well, nobody can guarantee that. But if you want to resolve anything, you need to talk with him. Be open and honest about what you're feeling. I know you've already explained to him about your thought process, but there's not much else you can do besides reinforce the idea that it really isn't about your or your relationship, but about your fears of your father, and that no amount of his pushing is going to change that decision.

    At least, that's how I'd do it. And if I had a boyfriend who couldn't understand that, well, maybe he wouldn't be the one for me. Not to be so quick as to end the relationship - give it a shot, of course - but think of the ramifications his attitude (if this is how he handles things) could have in any future you have together.

    And his friend's being a total dick. Just saying.
     
  3. Tireheb

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    Thanks a lot for the quick answer, BudderMC, I am losing sleep over this.

    My boyfriend came out when he was 13 and come from a very progressive background, so those things just seem evident to him and he doesn't realise. I really admire his outspokenness and his ability to get what he wants, but it is also sometimes hard to tell whether I am being manipulated or not (something he gets very offended about when I suggest it).

    Perhaps once he gets less upset he will accept to meet again, but I am afraid his friends (who feed off drama and can be very b**chy) will get bad ideas up his head.

    Anyway, thanks again for listening and answering.
     
  4. TheEdend

    TheEdend Guest

    Its a difficult issue to deal with for sure.

    My advice is to try and find a compromise between not coming out to your father just yet, and not deleting your boyfriend from your life for 10 days. What that looks like is completely up to you and him.

    For me, while some of my family visits, my boyfriend becomes a very close family friend. He still comes and hangs out with us, he is still present, but he isn't my boyfriend and we try to act just like friends around each other. Not perfect, but it works for us.

    I get the frustration that you are feeling, but also try to see where your boyfriend is coming from. You are telling him to get lost for 10 days and not spend the holidays with you. Logically there shouldn't be a problem because its just 10 days, right? But that's now how we humans work. Our emotions are not always rational and we can't help them either. In those 10 days, he will lose his boyfriend, he will feel like a dirty little secret, and he will feel alone.

    Def don't come out by force, but also don't force your boyfriend into hiding for your own sake. See if there is some middle ground you guys can work with.