Advice needed

OK, so I've come out to a lot of people in the past few months, and everything has been awesome. So a couple of nights ago, I was talking with one of my guy friends through aim. He decided, since he was bored, to play a "game" where each person would take turns telling the other person something new about themselves.

He started off by saying something about how he's starting to like country music, I followed by saying something else (i dont remember what lol). This went on for a few more turns while the whole time I was contemplating whether or not to just tell him I'm gay. It came to my turn, and I was just like, fuck it, and I said, "I'm gay. Your turn."

Then the conversation turned around and we started talking about it. He was really accepting, and kept apologizing about all the gay remarks he used to always make. He said I was one of his better friends and that he was really sorry. He asked me questions about how long I've known, and what it's like, he seemed really interested. I sent him my paper that I wrote about acceptance, and he said he would read it before he went to bed. He said he had to go to bed, and asked if we could talk later. That was that, and I went to sleep happily that night.

So, what's the problem? The next day at school (this was yesterday), everything was ok until the class period before choir (which is the only class I have with him). I started getting nervous for no apparent reason. I think I was nervous about seeing him, but I don't know why. I was worried about how he would act? Even though I talked to him online the night before, I for some reason was still worried. So as I walked to choir, I ran into him. I had no clue how I should have acted, so we basically just slapped hands and said what's up. He started talking about random shit, and I was wondering if he was just talking about random shit to avoid the topic of me being gay? Or if he just didn't care that much. I didnt know if I should have brought up the topic, or if I should have acted normally like I always would to him, and just forget about our conversation online. Should the conversation online have affected how we communicate to each other? The whole choir rehearsal I was thinking about him for some reason. I wanted it to be like how it always was between us, but I don't know why he was always on my mind. I was really self-conscious the whole time during rehearsal and during the time he walked to lunch with me. It seemed like for him it was completely normal, but I was always trying to figure out how he was acting and how I was acting.

After walking to lunch, it was the last I saw him all day (we sit at different tables). Later that night, he IMed me agian, and said that he read my paper, and that it was a very well written paper, it almost made him evoke tears because of how I overcame my problems. We had another pretty long converation online, with him asking a lot of questions, and discussing stuff like, the term "gay", gay marraige, telling my parents, gay bars...stuff like that. He even said that if I ever needed someone to go to a gay bar with, he'd go with me. He was always a pretty close friend to me, but we'd never really have any "deep" talks; we'd mostly just shit around with each other. After the last 2 conversations we'd had online, it made me realize how much better of a friend he is.

So today, I saw him before school sitting at a table with a whole bunch of people. The reason I actually went to that table was to talk about a project with one of our other friends. They were sitting next to each other, I basically just gave him a high five and started talking to my other friend about the project. I think that's what I would normally do, just high five him. See, that's the thing, I don't know how I should be acting around him, I want to be better friends, but I am just confused if I should be acting differently or what? At choir we just waved, and that was it. I try my best not to think about it so much. I want it to be like just 3 days ago, when I wasn't so self-conscious, where I could just act without thinking! But I don't know what to do, advice anyone?

 

Yeah I know he is really supportive, and none of it is his fault that I am feeling this way. It's not like he's the first guy that I've came out to either...I think one main difference that might have affected it was the fact that I came out online with him, other than doing it in person.

 

It was the 2nd question, I want to stop feeling so self-consious around him. Although thanks to all the great advice, today was good. I was way less self-consious and was able to be myself a lot easier. There was still though, just a little bit of it left in me, and sometimes I still think about it. I'm hoping it will just rub off by the end of the week.

 

Okay, so about that last sentence....didn't happen. It's been almost 3 months and these feelings have hardly died down. We hardly ever talk now and it seems like when we do there's nothing to talk about. Mainly because of me. I know this is completely my fault because of my damn self conciousness. It's a trait that has always been with me. I've gotten better over the past years, but I guess I haven't completely gotten rid of it.

So the past week and next week, our school has our annual "musical extravagansa" named "BRAVO!". Him (I'll refer to him as M) and I are both in it. While I don't ever see M during the show, I do see him afterwards, when all the cast go out to the commons and hug each other, while the audience comes and congradualates us. The past two shows we just basically shook hands and continued on. I mean, I walk around looking for people and when I see him, I now try to kinda avoid him because I have no idea what to say.

Last night there was a cast party, almost everyone went including both of us. When I got there I grabbed some food and went to sit down. I sat on a couch and started talking to some people. Then later M comes down and sits on the ledge of the couch next to me. I say something like "whats up", and he goes "nothin how bout you? hows the love life?" The rest of the conversation went something like this:

"The love life is...alright," I said knodding my head and smiling kinda.

Then he said something like, "Find anyone special yet?"

"Nope," I said. "Besides you of course." As you can see I was trying to be myself, as I jokingly said that.

"Oh thanks," he responded. "Hey when's your birthday?"

"Um like a month ago, why?"

"Well then we'll just have to wait for mine," he said. I was kinda confused as to what he was refering to...and then he continued, "I promised I'd take you to the club when you turn 18, now we just have to wait for me to turn 18." He's referring to when he said that he would take me to the gay club. (this was in my first post)

Then I was like, "Oh yeah, I still haven't gone yet."

"Well I'm still taking you," he said. He started to get up.

I said something like, "alright I'll be waiting" or something like that, as we shook hands and he left.

Ok, so that conversation, I was still not completley myself. If I wasn't so self-conscious while I was talking, you would have seen a lot more of my dialouge in there. I am a really talkative person usually, and really easy going. While that conversation assured me that our friendship wasn't completely over, and it was also the first time he has actually said something, at least relating to me being gay, in person.

Here's what I feel I should do. Seeing as how I've tried everything to just be normal around him and it hasn't really worked...well everything except for one thing. Talking about it. I have a feeling that he feels, just as I do, that our friendship isn't as normal as it used to be. If I confront him and tell him it was basically my fault that I was always acting a little strange, and that I have been really self-conscious, mostly because of the fact that I came out online to him, and I never really knew how to act afterwards. I think that should help me get things back to normal, what do you guys think?