A friend of mine, a female who was a good friend and an old roommate is having a hard time accepting the fact that I am not heterosexual. I think she doesn't believe it, as she has this pre-existing idea of what I am. I value her friendship, but I feel very uneasy talking to her. We are both psych majors, so I am aware of the fact that she is analyzing me and justifying me, and not in a way you would with a client. It comes off as arrogant, when I all need is a friend, not a therapist (maybe I do need a therapist, but not her, as we know each other outside of the office). I am not sure how to go about this. I am out her, she lives in a different country, so we haven't seen each other in a while, but she was a big and important part of my life. Do I just let her go, and not communicate on the level we used, or should I try to convince her? I am so tired of "convincing" people, it makes life so much more complicated and unnecessary. I don't normally bother with people who do not matter, but she does. It will be sad letting her go.
I think that unfortunately you just need to make it clear that you are what you are and her opinion is not going to influence you. If she cannot accept that then I think you just need to tell her that you don't want to associate with her until she accepts you. Hopefully that will cause her to see how serious you are about all this and she'll come around. If she doesn't then chances are you'll be better off without her though.
The reality of things is sad sometimes. I have lost people due to their non-acceptance, but never though this open-minded tolerant individual would end up being one of them.
THIS. She's struggling (for whatever reasons, and they may be a lot more complex than you have any idea) with you being lesbian. Since you're both psych majors and have alot in common, she may really want to learn more, but doesn't know how to do it in a way friends would, rather almost like you're her subject or client. If you want to keep her in your life, then I'd say you need to set boundaries, like just not engaging her in this type of discussion. Does she have exposure to the LGBT "world?" This may be something new that she hasn't really explored and thought about. Good luck -- you obviously care for her as a friend and if you act towards her that way as well as look out for yourself, you'll find the best way to handle this.
Thank you, so very much. Deep inside I do know she cares, but the arrogance with which she communicates is very hard to look through. Yes, she did and does have exposure to LGBT, all of our roommates volunteered at a local center, one of our roommates was FtM, another roommate was Women's and Gender studies major, which was pretty much a free ticket to gender theory lectures 24/7 (and it was amazing). So I do not understand her not accepting me, other than her getting used to the idea. The most interesting fact is - she was just offered a job at the center as a counselor, which was one of the reasons the conversations have turned into this direction (as I was trying to avoid talking to her about this issue).
Update* I did talk to her and explained that it made me uncomfortable to hear her question my coming out. We had a long conversation about how she was used to a certain "idea" of me and how she has to "re-adjust" that "idea" now. I did some explanation, and she said she realized that I "probably need more support" than her "questioning" me. At the end of the conversation she asked how she could help, to which I replied if she could accept me "as is". She said she's never not accepted me. This was amazing. So all you guys out there - there is a solution.
