This is the first time I am articulating this outside of my own mental self-talk, so please bare with me if it is overly verbose and long. I am a 25 year old male who has overcome much to succeed, prosper and flourish and I’d usually consider myself resilient, emotionally sound and gathered; but right now it feels as though everything is unravelling before my eyes, and that I’m diving into some unknown deep-end where I can’t find the bottom, and I have never ever been so unsure about who I am in my life (and that’s including my teenage years!). It is not some deep trauma or hardship that has unravelled me , but the simple fact that in the past 6 months I have experience the most intense emotional and then sexual attraction to another man, who also happens to be one of my closest and longest friends, we have always been close and it had always been platonic, but things had started to change when we both moved to a new city for our jobs and while we certainly have a network of new and some old friends in this town; we spend all our time together, to the exclusion of almost everyone else, we even cancel our other plans so that we can hang out together, and we are texting each other multiple times a day on top of talking on the phone. Even the eye contact appears to have changed-we just stare at each other for about 5 to 8 seconds, he often asks me what I'm thinking, if we are out to dinner, it feels like a date and even though nothing physical has happened, there is so much emotional intensity to point where it really does feel like the most intense relationship I've ever had with another human being. This in itself wouldn’t be a problem if it wasn’t affecting almost every aspect of my life, it feels like a mixture of depression and elation and is really distressing me, to the point where my work (which is high pressure high responsibility is being affected), my mind often seems cloudy and I dedicate way too much cognitive space to him, I have no interest in interacting with other people much and I have been asked by other family and friends recently if I’m ok, since this sort of behaviour is very unlike me. I don’t know why this feeling is so disabling but it has rocked the very foundations of my being. It is not so much the revelation that I must be bisexual that bothers me, but how to move forward and navigate this uncharted territory with him. I have tried to distance but it doesn’t last long since he always calls, texts, wants to hang out; a few times we even skipped work to go on a drive! I should mention that we are both single and there are no girlfriends in the picture and haven’t been for a little while, not to say I haven’t messed around a little in the last few years, and still strongly enjoy the sexual intimacy with woman; but like I said apart from that it feels hollow and empty since I’m thinking about him! He talks a lot about woman, a lot more than I but hasn’t really been with anyone in a few years, he’s a good guy, who has always searching for more depth. So I know something has to give because for my wellbeing and mental health I can’t keep going on like this, but I’m not sure what’s the best way forward? Do speak with him, but what could I say, how would I even begin? Do I move city, this seems extreme but is in line with way I feel? I also have to admit I feel so stupid and petty being so absorbed by something so adolescent, of all the things making me feel undone, why this one?
First, Welcome to EC. (*hug*) I find your post very well written and relatable to an extremely similar situation I experienced in my past. Dont put yourself down because you think it is adolescent. I thought the same, but falling for someone doesnt have an age limit and we dont have as much control of who we fall for as we might wish. With you being bisexual, it is very reasonable that you would fall for a friend that has come to be such a big part of you life. Consequently, considering you two are so close, it can makes things even harder to deal with. In my opinion, you should come out to him and try to surround yourself around a few other LGBT individuals. When we fall for someone we often put them up on pedestals and doubt that their could be anyone else as 'perfect' for us. Even without this situation, it can always be helpful to meet more people who we can find relatable and free with. About what to do about your specific feelings for him, it is really your decision. Under the belief that he is straight; Some people say that it helps to tell your straight loves that you have feelings for them. I didnt because I knew nothing would come of it and prefered to spare where our friendship was at the moment. However, I know many others who told and found that it helped them get over their feelings. Under the assumption that he is bisexual or gay, there could be a chance that he feels the same way. Though it is usually recommended that you simply come out and get comfortable with that before you speak of any feelings. Taking it a step at a time, so-to-speak. So personally, I would just advise coming out to him and making an attempt to aquire some other LGBT friends as well.
Thank you so much for your response. I think deep down I knew this is what I had to do, but if I had to be truly honest with myself, the fact is I am scared, no terrified actually! I suppose it’s because all my previous experiences of Love and Lust have been with women, and suddenly the most intense affection I have felt for another human being (notwithstanding my parents and siblings) is not just a man, but this man, the one likely to be in my life for a very long time. It completely strips all the power and control I erroneously thought I may have had in my life, and despite what I do it just won’t go away, this constant state of romantic arousal. I have tried to drink it out of existence, usually with him right next to me, both of us falling into a drunken stupor together, ironically the feelings are less intense then, more manageable. This is an exhausting state of mind and I am tired and constantly hung-over as a result and I find myself desperately wanting to reach for some kind-any kind, of shut down button. It is finding out this expanded version of myself through being in love first, not through the rush of lust, that is probably making it so hard for me. I would love to say this means I am attracted to a person not a gender, and it is true now, I kno; but I am fearful that if I box myself in as Bisexual now, it locks me out from all those future experiences, which If I had to be honest and based on the history of my preferences are largely heterosexual, but I’m willing to go as gay as a Pink Flamingo at a Madonna concert for love, it is love that matters most after all! So after all this ranting I think I need to, have to tell him but the thought of it makes me so anxious I feel nauseas, how can I begin to overcome this. Thoughts?
You said and realized something beautiful. - 'I am attracted to a person not a gender'. To be honest, whatever you choose, it is going to be emotionally overwhelming (acceptance or rejection). If he's truly your friend and knowing that you two know each other for so long, he's going to accept you (and that means your feelings too) no matter what. I think what I'm saying is: Life is too short to not take risks. There are no guarantees in life and I can't guarantee you what's going to happen here. But if it already consumes your soul and well-being to the point that it's being maladaptive, then you have to be proactive for the sake of yourself and your feelings. Good luck with your journey.
I have to agree with what the posters above have to say, I will just add this one little thing. Before you come out to your friend, spend just a little time writing about it. You are a very gifted writer, and I have to guess that it's a very natural means of expression for you. I think you'll find some relief by writing down all those things you feel, and might be dreaming of saying to your friend. Write it all down, then read it about....1000 times. Edit the writing until it is perfect, and then read it once more. I truly think this will clarify your mind about as much as it's possible to do so when in the throes of mad passion. Then either talk to him, or give him the letter, or whatever seems correct to you to do next.
Thank you everyone for all the incredible advise. Yes, I'm completely holding myself back from any meaningful relationship because of the way I feel, right at this very moment there's this other incredible woman who is reall investing a lot of time in me and in a different set of circumstances I would pursue it, but as one poster stated, contrary to perceptions you really don't have all that much choice over who you love. I've actually been thinking greatly about revealing myself to him, and yes I have started to write it all down, and yes it is has been quite cathartic. Like so many people on this forum I have been questioning the possibility of him reciprocating this romantic love I feel for him, but I am so wary that all my perceptions are bounds to be bias to confirm my own wishful thinking; but still for my own sake and just because this forum is the only place I could get some other perspectives I'm going to write it down and ask you guys opinion, just for the sake of it? Over the years there have been instances which left doubts in my mind and since my love for him was platonic then I just brushed it off, besides it must be noted I'm just naturally flirtatious, and always have been with pretty much everyone and he could of just been playing along, here are the instances that stand out: 1.Sophomore year at college, I get a text MSG one morning from him, stating that he thinks he might be gay, it didn't really surprise me all that much despite his very masculine qualities, so I respond with complete acceptance, only to have him call to tell me his roommates were playing a joke and took his phone, ok fair enough, we laugh off, and that's that. 2. We go for a wknd away to a summer spot late last year ( again before I felt this way), share an hotel room, and I wake up in the middle of the night to find him staring at me with intensity, blanket off him with just his underwear, he sees me but doesn't even flinch, or pretends not too. I just put it down to him zoning out and go back to sleep 3. More recently we go on a drunken night out, and stay at his place, in the morning I go in to check if he's awake, he tells me to come sit on the bedside to talk, while we area talking he is very obviously playing with his crotch and it is very obvious that it's quite happy, he then stretches out his left hand to touch my thigh I move to the end of the bed, could just be a randy morning thing and nothing more? 4. We are out somewhere at a club, I'm surrounded by a bunch of girls, but at this stage and in the headspace im in, I'm in no way interested in any hookup, so I decide to reach for his waist so that I can turn him to face them and I can go to his side, so he can y'know maybe hook up with one of them, anyways he mistakes that for me grabbing his waist to dance with him and moves closer in to me, Im the one who actually pushes him further away; but I think he's a lot more anxious and less confident than me with that kind of stuff, so I may just be familiar and nt threatening to him in a nightclub compares to cute woman! 5. Another night we go out and he goes to but a drink I go to hand him some money, he just Clasps my hand and holds it for about five minutes before we both let go. Again wee both drunk on this one, so that's not saying much. I say all this in the context of other things we do tat are far far removed from some of these moments I listed, but it has got me wondering that maybe its not all me, not that it matters, since it doesn't fundamentally alter who I am and what I need to do to confront and reconcile who I am, but gosh wouldn't that be swell? So what does everyone think?
Hey guys, I know it's a long thread, but if someone could just read the one above and give some impressions I'd really be gratefully, pleeeease!!!
My first thought after reading your examples was: Wow he might be going through the same thing as you. Your friend may really like you romantically but be afraid of rejection or changing the relationship. One thing I have learned, If you want to do something, do it or you will regret not doing it and that is worse than if you were to fail while trying.
I think that you need to talk to him. From the last few posts, I'd say he definitely sounds like he's questioning his sexuality. He may just be confused. Help him figure it out, if it is. Sometimes, you just need that last push to finally admit to being gay, you know? Let him know that he's your friend no matter what. I hope that helped!
^^^ hi 5* sister! (GuidingLight) at this point... one of you HAS to say something. Just end the suffering already, what if he likes you in return... just think of how much time's going to waste haha... just kidding... but seriously, tell him your feelings, if he doesn't feel the same way I'm pretty sure the world won't end for you. The way you've presented yourself on here seems to me like you're a human being capable of gathering his thoughts and sorting them out with logic... the reasons you gave above are good enough to suspect he's gay. the only thing left to do now is try... Btw, your story is incredibly touching... and beautiful, and you write like a pro... but need to work on punctuation
MrPotato: I learned the hard way. Things would have turned out a million times better if I just didn't allow fear to immobilize me. I say Go for it J9ah! If anything he will be flattered
You're surely attracted to him. From the way you describe his actions, he's attracted to you. You can't read his mind, but his actions are speaking pretty loudly, at least in my opinion. You said you've been journaling? Look back at what you've written about your feelings for him. Keep writing. Then don't wait too long to get together with him, in a space where you can talk to him privately. I didn't read anything about you sharing with him that you're bisexual - right? For sure affirm the friendship with him, that seems very strong. Then you can begin opening up. Say it in a way that feels right. I'm not sure you need to announce "hey I'm bisexual" -- but you could open up that you are open to deepening your relationship with him (and say why; he's fun, great to talk with, you enjoy being with him, you like texting with him, he's really cute/sexy/ good looking, etc) - and how does he feel about that (again, come from your perspective - don't ask if he feels the same way about you, ask him what he thinks about you thinking those things about him). Depending on how he responds, you could either say you've thought alot about either a) how you realize you are interested in guys (which puts a little distance in the convo), or b) you are interested in him (which is much more direct!). You could say more, that you're interested in guys/him to have a physical relationship. (I suggest using words that aren't strong, like don't say you've been wanting to jump him for months, but express it in a way that's from your heart). And take a deep breath.... you're being truthful which is good for the soul no matter what happens.
