Women?

I think internalized homophobia largely deals with how much latent homophobia you experienced in your lifetime. That said, I don't think it's a guy thing vs. a girl thing, but perhaps guys could be more harsh about it.

You aren't broken, don't worry. (*hug*) What are you feeling bad about?

 

I used to go out of my way to tell my lesbian friends that I was straight. I mean, bring it up for no reason at all. You aren't broken, confused is a more accurate term from what I'm picking up. But aren't we all just a little confused?

 

lol yeah i was internally homophobic at one point. it didn't last very long because i feel a stinging feeling when i denounce people, so i took the time to think about why i was homophobic and realized it was dumb.

and lo' and behold! i was gay anyways! XD

nah you're not broken. i'm gonna agree with Budder's answer here: women and men, i would imagine, have generally the same capacity of self-hate as anyone else, depending on the situation.

 

Why do you say that? Confusion is natural, albeit, a horrible feeling.

 

I think is seems like men might me more internally homophobic because society is harsher on them.

Generally, people (men) don't have as much of a problem with gay females because they find it attractive... Haha

 

I think that, though I honestly feel everything but homophobic in my brain, I can sometimes feel crushed and confused by conflicting wants.

Like for instance, the want to eventually have a child with a man, the unwillingness to give up male romantic companionship (and all the societal/family ideas it entails), the desire to to be totally independent of any man, the feelings I have for women that never really give it a rest, the fear of what an openly homosexual experience might cost me in terms of identity so far, the fear that it might be not endure, the fear that it will endure but I will never trust it...

If those are not the concerns in the broken record of other "questioning" girls... then maybe I am the broken one.

That's questioning.

 

I definitely was. I was ok with other people being gay but I definitely did not want to be since I thought it would make me some kind of a freak. And at some level, I thought it was "weird" and "not right". I also have my doubts on whether I'd fit into the gay community and I have some doubts about one day having a long lasting relationship with another girl. It's all part of my internal homophobia. So yes, I definitely experienced it and still do sometimes.

 

I wasn't ever about other people. My best friend was gay. but I definitely was toward myself.

 

I did this in middle school I was like "I don't like girls so don't get any ideas" I wanted so badly to be straight that I made sure there was no chance of me ending up with a girl :/

like other people have been say, I didn't mind other people being gay, but the thought of me being gay terrified me.

 

Yes I definitely was. Found a diary entry from 10 or so years ago(when I was 19) that said: "sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. Isnt that weird? Im messed up enough already". I thought somehow it would make me "more messed up".

 

Quote:

Like for instance, the want to eventually have a child with a man, the unwillingness to give up male romantic companionship (and all the societal/family ideas it entails), the desire to to be totally independent of any man, the feelings I have for women that never really give it a rest, the fear of what an openly homosexual experience might cost me in terms of identity so far, the fear that it might be not endure, the fear that it will endure but I will never trust it...


I think those are very normal concerns and questions to have. This whole business isn't easy. At least not for most people, I think. I wouldn't consider you "broken".

 

I remember, suddenly, something pretty upsetting I once said out of anger and discomfort.

First, though, I can remember telling a friend (who was bi and pretty dependent on my friendship in some tough times) about my view of sexuality at the time. I told her, perhaps seeking to compromise my ideas with hers and make her feel good, that I thought bodies and hearts were out there to be admired and loved, and you can't and shouldn't choose one because of the other it is attached to. Something teenagery and heartfelt like that. I meant it, too. Just not necessarily for myself... poor sap I was.


Well, she turned out to be the boyfriend-sexing, backstabbing, rumor spreading type in the end. Still don't know what I did to deserve that... Anyway, in my anger I'm certain that I told someone I didn't believe anyone could be bi. I said that gay was real, straight was real, trans was real, and so on - but bi was not. I got so heated about it. It really upset me to talk about it, and I think I know why.

This person I hated at the time, this terrible friend who went out of her way to hurt me and mine, was bi - and I truly felt so strongly that it was the most natural way to be.

These things didn't reconcile for me in my grief.

She was awful and cruel and bi. I might be bi, (I could sense it then) and I couldn't stand the association with her. The girl who dated girls but decided that screwing my high school boyfriend was also a good idea.

I'm sorry for ever connecting that person to that orientation/identity. I did myself a disservice and the bi world an insult.

But I'll always remember how real that passion was in me to deny it - even if it was misdirected. It wasn't just a naive juxtaposition, it was a real fear of unpredictability and unconventionality. I think it's a valuable experience for me now, when questioning is very real.

 

You took the words tonight out of my mouth. (*hug*)

 

I was a bit on the homophobic side, mainly because I was subconsciously afraid I was homosexual myself and I realize that now...

 

I think that even though I wasn't homophobic in the strictest sense, I had and have all these ideals in my mind, of how a marriage is supposed to be between man & woman, and how a family should be...
And that's, in a way, homophobic, but it takes a while to see all these assumptions in one's mind and then stop them. It's work, but I'm sure it makes one a better person.

 

I was a supporter of "traditional marriage" that was me- the religious bigot that was anti-gay marriage. As I got older I realized that me "waiting till marriage" to be with a guy was me trying to postpone having sex with a man. (Because the idea was so gross) It took me years to figure out I was gay and I still battle with my faith and my sexuality.