Hi I'm Asari, and I could use some help I'm 22, finishing up my junior year at my university. I come from a insanely conservative background. My parents are christian and I was the most strict- bible thumping christian in high school. I was leader in my church and went into ministry school to become a minister- this was the strictest school you can possibly imagine. We weren't allowed tvs, our internet usage was monitored, and we spent at least 6 hours in prayer each day. Now, I did experience some incredibly positive things at this school. I had spiritual experiences that are unlike anything I've ever experienced. I had encounters where I felt complete joy rush over me and I would just laugh for hours. Feeling close to God was the best thing that ever happened to me. Unfortunetely this ministry was way too strict and the leaders used some trivial ways of dealing with students emotional/physical issues. I have struggled with depression most of my life- I tried confiding in my leaders and asking for help and all they did was pray. They assured me God would miraculously heal me and it never happened. Eventually the depression got so bad I had to go home. When I went home I started doubting my faith and doubting my identity. Eventually I started to ask myself questions about my sexuality- something I never dared to do before. I was a big believer in abstinence- something I realized I had been using as a crutch so that I wouldn't have to touch men. The idea of being intimate with men was so repulsive to me but I figured a guy would come along eventually that would make me change my mind. These last three years I have been wrestling with myself and my religion. I still want to love God but I can't deny the evidence- I have had feelings for women for as long as I can remember and I've never wanted to be touched by a man. I was told being gay was a choice and that it was curable so I never thought of the possibility of me being gay. I didn't even think "gay" was real. Now I can finally say it. It took me 22 years to admit it to myself but I'm gay. I've told three of my friends: my first friend told me that if I came out my sin would ruin me and destroy my relationship with God. I told my two best friends and they say they love me but that they don't accept my sin. My sister found out. She just flat out asked me one day and I couldn't lie. She cried and said I was deceived by satan. I feel so alone I can't stand it. I struggled with cutting when I was in elementary school and struggled to quit. I quit in 9th grade. A few months ago a relapsed and started cutting again- this time worse then ever. I decided to stop and have been free from cutting for 3 months but it has been a huge struggle. I think about cutting again a lot. I will often hold my razor blade in my hands and battle with myself for several minutes before I put it away. Last night I almost cut again. I held on to my razor blade and even rested it on my skin for a while. It's so damn hard. I worry that I'll never find someone to love me, and if I do it will get in the way of the greatest love that I have- for god. One thing is for certain I can't pretend to be someone I'm not. I won't pretend to be straight. I may be celibate.. I don't know. But I'm never gonna lie and say I can be cured of something I don't see as a sickness. I just wish I had at least one friend who understood that I can't change this and trying to change it just makes me more depressed.
Hello and Welcome to EC! Being gay is not going to destroy you relationship with God. There are other LGBT people that are Christian. You also have not been deceived by saten. Being gay is natural. This is a really good video that talks about the bible and homosexuality. [YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ezQjNJUSraY&feature=player_embedded[/YOUTUBE] As for cutting, have you tried snapping a rubber band on your wrist before. I've found that when I have urges to cut that this helps me. I've also heard some people say that holding ice so your hand gets cold helps as well.
Hi hon! In my personal opinion, if there is a God, then he created a bunch of people capable of a lot of hate and anger. However, he also created a bunch of people capable of love, forgiveness, acceptance and hope. When people hate or are angry, they usually become so out of fear. Fear is an instinct, the animal side in us. However, love and acceptance, that comes from the human side in us. Because of our potential, I feel it`s logical to assume that people were created human to be human, to be what is good in us. If we were created this way, isn`t it logical that God would be somewhat the same? Good, forgiving, accepting? And if we are this way, and he is that way, how can we turn hate and anger on ourselves? How can we hate when we fulfill what is basically human and good? Love is a gift. Not all people recieve it, but most of us crave it. It`s a need in us, that we don`t find equally in nature. Meaning, basically, being human is needing love. Do you really think that a God who created humans capable of love, acceptance and hope, is the type of creature that would condemn us for loving another? For accepting another, the way he or she is? As long as we are not hurting each other, like a grown person would be if he abused a child, then how can we say love is wrong? I do not understand why a lot of religious people feel that God would hate homosexuals. What we do is not wrong! Our love does not hurt anyone. As long as we stribe towards being good people, respect, accept and have empathy for those around us, then who we love shouldn`t matter. People are at their most beautiful when they love someone, when they sacrifice of themselves for others. When they give, instead of taking. That`s what makes a good person, and if God is good, this is what he would want. And we have no reason to believe otherwise. You deserve to be allowed to love, without feeling guilty or wrong. If there is a God, I believe with all my heart that he`ll look at what`s inside you, see how you treat others (love thy neighbour...), not who you share bed with! It`s insignificant in the bigger picture. Intolerance and hate are ugly feelings that comes from fear. It`s not something we should act according to. And when you hurt yourself, you are hurting an innocent person, who deserves better! Acceptance should also apply for yourself. Others should accept you, but you should also accept and love yourself. You deserve your own empathy, just like others deserve your empathy and respect. I know life can be hard, believe me. God knows I`ve struggled with my own emotions and pain. Not when it comes to being a lesbian though. I have struggled in other ways, but I have still struggled, and I know pain. I came to realize at a point in my life, that I deserved better. I had tried my best to be a good person, but the only person I wasn`t good to, was myself. I pray that you as well find the strength to love and accept yourself... Completely! When you hold a razor blade, I hope you can manage to summon those thoughts inside you. That you deserve better than self-inflicting pain. That there are enough intolerant people out there to cause it. You deserve to be your own ally, friend and supporter. You deserve a heck of a lot more than what you are getting. I hope you can, when you feel like cutting, just tell yourself; "Don`t, not yet. Let me have a few moments to think first." And then you think about what I have written, what others who understand and support you have written. And then you think, is this what I would want to see a friend do? Is this what I would want to see someone who loves me, and who I love, do?`If I don`t want it to happen to them, why should I allow this to happen to me? And then try to listen to some music. Allow yourself to cry, heck, even rage! Throw something around, punch the crap out of your pillow. Be emotional. Don`t be afraid of feeling something. And if you feel numb, write something down. Write down what you wish you could feel, what you are feeling, what you want from life. Make the enemy someone else than yourself. Make a big stick figure, give it a name or just write a word. Then punish it. Rip it to shreds! And just remember, you are NOT alone! People out there can understand you. I can understand you, and God knows I am not special in any way. People out there care. We`ve been there. It can and will get better, if you are willing to help yourself and accept help from others, which obviously you can, since you wrote here I hope you stick around and keep talking to us. Don`t be afraid of sending me a PM if you wish to
@ the cat06 I watched the entire vid. Thank you so much! This answered so many questions I have and I feel so much more at peace with my faith and sexuality now. Now I just wish I could share with friends and family who think it's sin. Also, I think I'll try the ice thing for my cutting urges. @FemCasanova Thank you so much for the encouragement. I will remember what you said next time I feel alone. It means so much to me that there is someone that accepts me. I've never told someone my orientation and had them respond positively.
Just remember, we might be mostly gay, lesbian, etc, in here, but there are a lot of straight people out there who are just as accepting The world is changing, even if it is a bit slowly. Sure, it`d be nice if it just changed over night, and some places has come further than others, but it`ll come around. I really believe that. 2012 has been a great year. The president, the voting states. I am Norwegian, but I try to pay attention to American politics, because it interests me. You shouldn`t have to be depressed about people not reacting to who you are positively. But I believe that one day, no one will have to! I`ll share something else too. About 5 years ago, I also did some cutting, for a period. I was very depressed and if it hadn`t been for my family, I might have done something I`d regret today. It wasn`t because of my sexuality, but more that I felt I had failed in a major way, because of other things. I wasn`t coping well with going to the University and failing grades. At some point it started going downwards, and I had a major depression lasting 2 years afterwards. I got help, some good help. At some point, I changed from wanting help and change for the sake of my family, and I discovered how good it was to want help for my own sake, because I wanted to feel better and have a good life. So, I`ve been alone and depressed, I know that the hole we can creep down into can make us feel like we can`t even breathe. Like we don`t want to breathe and we just need an outlet, any kind of outlet. But I got my life turned around. I started feeling like I deserved better. And I think you can as well, with some time. And if you should fall off the wagon, and self-harm, just remember that one step back doesn`t take away any steps you`ve taken forward in the meantime. Got to keep walking forward, it doesn`t help looking back! Don`t feel ashamed about being in pain, because there isn`t any shame in it. It wasn`t for me, and it isn`t for you. I re-read your original post again, and realized I didn`t respond to the "never find someone to love me". I am 26 now, and I am in my first serious relationship. Up until now, it`s been mostly trial and error, lol. You are only 22, you`ve got your whole life ahead of you. I don`t think many of us find stable good relationships at that age, heck, we barely know ourselves in that age. It`s the first "adult" period, where we`re supposed to figure out if we`re on the right path with what we want to do, what we like, etc. When I was 22 I was a wreck! I wouldn`t have reckognized the love of my life if the woman was jumping up and down in front of the TV, screaming her lungs out, lol! I realize the fear is genuine, but by feeding the dear, you`re only sabotaging for yourself. Remember, a good ally wouldn`t tell you that you`ll never find someone who`ll love you, so neither should you
*hug* If other wants to join in for giant group hug, go ahead! (just don't squeeze me!) as much as the people around you goes, their opinions/perspectives are likely constricted by the way they have grown up/ told. I don't know what background your friends have, but they seems to be rooted in heavy, a certain type of Christianity. If you have friends from another culture, religion, background, they might be able to give you support. you mention that you are in university, and that's a long way from your childhood and teenhood! lol. do you have uni friends who you think you can talk to/with about? (you said one of your friend loves you but not the sin, which is basically "hate the sin but love the sinner" argument... i can't remember which thread i saw that now...) i just want you to know that there are people who are also struggling or even found peace with sexuality and their faith. so don't feel alone. PS: it's hard to write this without shoving my personal opinion after i read every sentence lol EDIT: OH AND WELCOME TO THE FORUM! I knew I missed some people from the intro forum
@ Ticklish Fish I honestly have no friends at my university. (which is why I feel so alone) All my close friends are back home. I've tried to be friendly and nice but the only friends I really have are my four roommates and they are very conservative. Everyone tells me to "put myself out there" which I've tried on several occasions but it's always very uncomfortable and I don't usually make new friends that way.
uh, you dormers. us commuters are lonely too XD is your uni conservative? or just those people? keep trying yo! XD
^ I live in an apartment. My university isn't conservative it is actually very liberal and accepting. Because I was in ministry and very involved in my conservative church however, I met people at my university who went to my church. I haven't had much luck making new friends that would accept me. I think one of the reasons I was afraid to make accepting friends is I was afraid my conservative friends would leave me. I guess I really like hanging out with conservatives because they tend to be very focused and discipline. I hate getting drunk and partying and that's what everyone does at my school. My school is a big party school with lots of frat and sorority parties. I feel like I've missed out on meeting friends by not going to the parties but the truth is I kind of hate the environment. I would like to go to clubs but every time I try to go I freak out and bail last minute. :/ I'm afraid if I go to a club that because I don't know anyone I will probably be excluded if I go to a club where everyone already knows eachother. People aren't generally very welcoming.
Oh, I wouldn`t be too sure of that. Most people where I come from, says that it`s pointless to go to clubs alone, but I have done it several times in the past and always found someone to talk to. The trick is to not leave straight away, get a feel of the scenery, observe the people around you a bit, and then head over to whatever group of 3-5 you see having fun, laughing, generally seeming like social people. I have always opened up with some crap about my friend ditching me in the last moment. Then I`ll say something like; "But I don`t feel like just leaving, and you guys seem like a cool group". People in clubs are generally less closed up than one might think on beforehand. And also, often you will find other people in the exact same situation like you. I mean, logically you are not the only one in town without a huge gang of friends! That`s just not possible. A lot of people are new comers in cities, some have had friends move away, or lost friends. There are tons of nice people out there who`d find it endearing that a stray pup comes over with puppy eyes, and there are tons of other lonesome wolves and puppies out there as well. Don`t doom a project before it has even started, and be careful of just making negative assumptions based on what you fear will happen. Then you start acting like all your fears are truth of life, which rarely is the case. I can honestly say that everytime I have gone out alone, wanting to have a good time, I have always found someone to talk to, usually a big bunch. Last time was a funny one, I went out to flirt with other lesbians, but found myself ending up speaking to two lost straight Irish turists in the bar, that hadn`t realized it was a gay bar. We had a good time talking, crackin jokes, I had to defend them from a few pushy gay guys who refused to believe they were straight, lol. It was awesome Apparently one of them was really hot
