I don't really know how to begin. There's so many things I find important and I think that I have to add in this post but on second thought they all sound stupid. Concerning the present, I have no idea what I am. There are times when I feel absolutely straight. I am just so interested in LGBTQ equality (always have been for some reason) that I want to be part of the community. The fact that I am 15, exactly the age I've heard the phase of questioning occurs, adds fuels to the fire. I mean, I've been so boy-crazy over the years it couldn't have been just an illusion. I was open-minded, I actually used to think it'd be cool to be lesbian (speaking of butches always). I just wasn't one of them, you know? And then, there are times when just the idea of being straight makes me laugh. Yesterday, for example, after having returned home from the swimming pool and having realised I felt much less atttraction to dudes than I used to as I was checking out the full-clothed female instructor at the other side of the pool instead of the average-looking yet with nice abs guy a metre or so away from me the idea settled. I was certain I am queer in some way. It didn't really help that while I was looking up some lesbian videos on Youtube to see how Ii felt about the serious aspects of it my brother burst inside the room and asked what "his atheist little lesbian sister is doing". I came out as an atheist to everyone a week or so ago. My brother had known I was agnostic though for a long time. Here comes the funny part. He is very religious and used to be one of the biggest homophobes I've known before our fights on equality. They really did make him think, I guess. He's called me a lesbian quite a few times and it was not really meant to be an insult, I think. More like a fact. The reasons why he would think these things are obvious. I dress like a butch (told ya I've always thought this style to be amazing) and act like one. I've always been the tomboy, really. Since friggin' kindergarden. All these aside because I've realised I'm getting out of topic, I had settled on being a Kinsey 4 or 5 yesterday. Today, I don't feel "queer enough". Not much on the straight side either but maybe a little bit. This is all too complicated. I feel like I am making myself think I'm queer with all this research and all these videos I watch. I've also picked up Keeping You A Secret and the fact that I can identify with certain attitudes scares me and relieves me at the same time. I've always wanted to be part of this community, I guess. Gay guys are always likable for some reason and lesbians so free and independent. As for the trans people, let's just say that there was a period when I was crazy over FtMs. I no longer feel that need to be part of the community though. I can deal with being "Straight But Not Narrow". I sort of like it, too. . It'll be easier being straight and it doesn't feel completely unlike me. Why can't I stop this questioning though? Once I'm sure it's a phase, something stupid happens and my brain starts being annoying again... There's a lot of unnecessary information up there but I simply tried to pour myself into it. Myself gets easily distracted so yeah. I haven't told anyone about all of this so there's probably more I'd like to share but I'll just stop for now. It's long as it is.
