Me and my baggage?

So I made a Hello EC thread the other day that delved into a bit of what I am and what I'm going through, and then reading how very helpful all of you are with everyone else I figured I'd put my story up to try and get some advice.

*DISCLAIMER WALL OF TEXT**

I am not sure where I am or who I am. I am a mess. I am 27 married with 2 children. Done some fooling around with guys when I was younger, only actually have had sex with 2 people in my life (each ending up with a child in each relationship).

I am physically attracted to women, but it seems a lot more so to men. I don't seem to get the same feelings thinking about women as I do men. I sit there thinking that it wasn't like that always, but now I can't remember if I was deluding myself or not. I know for sure that kissing and holding hands with a man gives me butterflies and things start happening in my nether region.

When I was growing up my parents always asked on a weekly basis if I was gay, I've always been emotional, and always trying to conform so people wouldn't think I was. I was always friends with all the girls growing up, I may have just been distancing myself as not to really think about it.

I had always dated tom-boys, or very masculine women while I was growing up. My wife is very mush so herself. But every day it seems as if I'm missing something. I can go months without any physical attraction towards her, emotionally I can. But sex doesn't really phase me one way or another.

I am jealous of women, I want to be treated like a princess, pick out pretty clothes. I can't really express any of it, I don't feel right I guess.

I am a stay at home Mr.Mom, and I absolutely love it, I just wish I had everything else that came with too.

I seem more physically attracted to men than women, and I've never dated a guy so I don't know if emotionally it would be on the same level or more. But I would probably think it would be leaning more towards men.

My wife does know that I want to try things with other men, and she has said she is absolutely fine with it once, as long as she doesn't know about it. I just don't want to go and have a one night stand with some random. I already know what I like to touch and other explicit things with men, and doing that wouldn't really do anything other than make me feel bad because I know deep down she doesn't want me to do anything.

But I guess that's all I can really think of right now, sorry if some of it is incoherent or in different orders, it's mainly the first time I've felt comfortable saying all this out so I'm just trying to get it all out.

Yours Truly
Zendlar <3

 

On another note I did 2 different tests just to kind of get a feeler for the Kinsey scale (though I wish I knew about this before this site lol). One place I had scored
Kinsey - 2
You scored 28 variable 1!
Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally. You could be straighter. You're like a rubber eraser. You might look solid but you are a bit more flexible than average. You have a leaning towards members of the opposite sex but generally you love people across the board.
^^ was from *******

And on another I was 3 Equally heterosexual and homosexual.
^^ Kinsey Scale Test

I'm not really sure which one to go off of lol...

 

Yah I have and did enjoy it, I do every so often as well. I put on my wifes clothing and clean the house and make dinner and it feels great. I feel really bad after taking it off, like I've done something wrong. ALL of the books I read are always female heroine, movies I like everything, though I do cry on the sad ones. I recently finished rewatching Avatar and ended up crying the last 2 episodes cause it was just so touching lol...and I hate television, everything on there is so cliché.

I don't really talk to very many guys, I don't have alot of guy friends, the few friends I do have are mostly women, and we don't talk very often. I'm afraid to get close to alot of people.

Oh I know about male PMS and have as long as I can remember dealt with it. I am really glad that someone other than me knows about it as well. I'm an emotional wreck and I end up just going to bed most of the time and not dealing with anything.

 

I'm very jealous and envious of women. I look at the clothes they wear, the make up and how beautiful they are, I wish I could act as a girly girl without being looked at like a freak. I had for about a week about 7 years ago taken on a different persona and dressed up, I remember feeling great. But after feeling ashamed of myself and that maybe I shouldn't be doing that.

I have thought about that as a possiblity, I just don't know. I look at myself in the mirror and don't know who I am. I see this guy and I know it's me, but it's not me. I take a look at women and I don't fantasize about having sex with them, I fantasize about being them.

Adding all of this to I have no idea what I really am sexually is just infuriating, mind blowing just exhausting.

 

That's what I'm really confused about too. I am attracted to women, but more often than not I'm jealous and envious of them. I guess it may be now thinking it about it to, when watching porn, I get off not on watching the women, but what it would be like being them with the guy.

I'm sorry if I sound I dunno, I've never really thought about it at all like that. It's really I dunno, I just don't get why or how I am being who I am. I don't even know.

I'm really upset with myself and I wish I knew more about myself, I hate this.

 

I'm usually home alone, I have my daughter here with me who is 1, and my son is at school. I guess that's the reason why I feel so inclined to start wearing this bandanna it makes me feel better. But putting on something different probably will make me feel alot better, just thinking of it is making me smile.

I'm usually wearing pretty much the same thing as I don't want to wear any of my other clothes.

I am a bitch when I do, I pick fights and after I'm upset that I did, and no reason to be so angry about something so little. The other night my wife was bugging me to come and watch Breaking Bad and I really was not in the mood to watch TV, but I went in a humph anyways and my cat was in my seat and I got so mad at it lol. My thing is Burger King and Ice'd Coffee.

By the way, Thank you!

 

When I'm emotional like that? She usually is upset with me that I'm being like that and can't figure out why. I told her I don't really have a reason I just am grumpy.

I've asked her before about even the hint of me even wearing women's clothes and she had said it would really weird her out. I understand that completely, and she's my best friend too so I don't want to hurt her.

 

The really unfortunate thing is because I've been very depressed I've put on weight alot more than I should be, so even looking for nice clothes right now is hard. I am having to put my gym membership on hold atm due to Christmas but starting in January I really want to start getting into the gym. I want to start wearing the clothes I feel good in too.

I've put on weight over the last 5 years, nothing that I can't burn off. But I need to loose about 100lbs.

But right now I'm wearing my black and white polka dot bandanna which I love, and a thong so I feel pretty good right now.

I wish there was a little more comprimise, but I need to do alot of work on myself. I don't feel sexy having the tummy.

 

I do, very much so. I just don't know how to go abouts actually sitting down and really talking to her about it. I on't want to ruin us or hurt our children either. But I don't want to be upset and depressed the rest of my life.

 

Oh I wouldn't ever plan doing it like that, she would break down herself and what would 2 blubbering fools be able to do? It'll take some time to process a bit myself, like I know. Just the thought process of what next.



I'm also wondering what are some websites you may know of that have information as well. I had tried to talk to people about all this before on a General Forum, but hence stopped due to them hooking up with Google and all my stuff being shown, I wasn't ready for that lol.