Homophobic mother not enthused by prospect of grandkids

Hi everyone,

I first came out at age 16, but unfortunately allowed my family to push me back into the closet numerous times, with the result that I only recently (within the past few years) began refusing to go back in the closet. I'm nearly 33 years old now.

That said, just because I am out doesn't mean my family accepts me. At family holidays, they make a lot of hurtful, homophobic comments and generally indicate that they're uncomfortable and ashamed because I am gay.

Last June I got married to my lovely wife. We have already discussed starting a family (within the next couple of years) and have actively made plans for children, including seeking a known sperm donor, making doctor's appointments to check my fertility, etc. Naturally, we're very excited about this new step in our life. We've picked baby names, talked about the future, etc.

The problem is my mother. (Dad's not in the picture and hasn't been since I was 16/17). Whereas, when she'd managed to push me back into the closet and pressure me to date men I wasn't attracted to, she'd always say things like "I want grandchildren," now (presumably because I am married to a woman) when I bring up the fact that we want children, she is dead silent.

Her way of communicating her disapproval is through the silent treatment.

Much to my jealousy and pain, she dotes over my cousins' children (her great nieces and nephews) during family holidays. She makes it clear that she sees these as her "surrogate" grandkids.

The child I will be giving birth to in the not-too-distant future will be genetically half mine (I am carrying) and thus her flesh-and-blood grandchild.

And she wants nothing to do with this grandchild.

I am beyond hurt.

Has anyone else dealt with this? If so, how did you handle it?

Thank you.

 

Sadly enough, this will be her 1st grandchild.

I have a younger brother who is bi, but our Mom is OK with him because he keeps his (purely sexual) relationships with men on the down-low, while always outwardly dating a girl he brings to family get-togethers and so on.

At Thanksgiving, my mother openly gushed over my brother's current g/f in front of my wife and I, only to realize mid-gush how hurtful and insulting she was being by completely leaving any reference to my wife out. Then she awkwardly tacked on some comment like: "Oh, and I am so happy [your wife] is here, too."

Yeah, OK, Mom.

My brother has no desire to have children or be a parent. My mother has stated in the past that she thinks he'd be a good father, but doesn't think I will be a good mother. I think she is pissed that she is likely getting only 1 grandchild and it's from me, the child she hates.

In the past I have cut her off, so maybe that's how I should handle this.

I don't expect her to even express any interest in my child. :icon_sad:

 

Bumping this to the top again in hopes of a response from someone who might've gone through this or similar...