i have a question regarding 'phases'

I think that just the thought that this questioning might be a phase for me... is actually more terrifying than any other outcome. I know I want to openly and actively deal with these not-straight parts of myself, but if this were a phase?

What if I invest myself and all of my relationships with those I love in this new me only to realize soon after that I was mistaken. I would feel like a fraud - and just being able to imagine that scenario makes me feel fraudulent, now.

I'm really aching to tell someone and talk to someone about my questioning and whether it could be just a phase. And even if it is a phase, which I don't believe, what if you have to find out the hard way?

I think phase-fear keeps me "questioning" more than anything else.

Not an answer to your question, but I thought it might add to the thread.

 

Something that keeps me steady when phase-fear starts to gnaw at me:

I know that I will take the time to explore this part of myself, one way or another. I know I can't shut it off, even if it doesn't become a permanent part of myself.

The only thing that might be worse than "coming out" to something intense and ephemeral... would be to lock away this questioning and find out 10 years later that it will never go away.

I feel that I couldn't possibly have a relationship with another man until I've worked out this part of myself - and that process may lead me to conclude that I don't want to see men.

And before I have any kind of relationship with anyone... I need time alone and with friends to engage with this directly. This means exposing vulnerable and new parts of myself at a great risk, but it's better to risk the phase than to deny something essential in yourself.

So, I think I've decided that even if I am stuck at "questioning" right now, the phase-fear shouldn't keep me from trying honestly to know myself.

(probably wouldn't tell my parents, siblings, or grandmother until after a long period of self-exploration, though)

 

I don't know about you, but I had to really let myself think "what if I am" in terms of orientation before I could honestly ask myself those questions.

I've dated guys only and.. well most of my friends are guys. I've loved them, but I don't really have any desire to have anything beyond the intensely close companionship. I never want anything physical from men unless it is to please them or to share something - not even in a pretty long and otherwise perfect relationship. And that's terrible, because anyone in a relationship deserves to feel cherished and desired. I can't do that for guys... at least not so far, not now, and maybe not anymore.

 

I agree with Robin Vote, I think whatever it is, whether it's a phase or not, it's something that is there now.
And you can accept it as a part of yourself. If it goes away, you definitely learned something about acceptance. And if it doesn't, you still learned about acceptance and can also deal with this part of you.

As people told me here, just take it as it comes. One step at a time. Worry about whether it will go away or not later...
At least that's how I'm trying to deal with phase-fear myself right now. (*hug*)

 

Well, if it turns out to be a phase, then I guess I gain confidence in what I truly feel and can breathe easier for the rest of my life.

I've decided I have to give myself a fair chance to find out. That might take years, but it's better to start now than after I'm bound up in a relationship. Many take their hidden questioning with them several years into marriage, the military, a close church-family, etc. and find it much harder to deal with when it doesn't go away.

In the months before I found EC I would occasionally have something like a panic attack or else feel totally paralyzed by doubt and fear. The anxiety behind questioning is real and I don't think it goes away unless you come to terms with it - one way or the other.

And really, questioning itself is a phase unless we want to be uncertain and anxious our whole lives.

---------- Post added 6th Dec 2012 at 06:47 PM ----------

But if I sound brave it's probably because I see my opportunity for independence and change in a totally new setting next summer. Until then I can work on what I think about all of this and then when I'm suddenly on my own and able to start over, I can decide what parts of me will change or grow.

I think there must be ways to create that chance for yourself even if you live with family.

 

@ Woundsneverheal, I know how you feel when it comes to being unsure about attraction. Whether it's emotional/romantic, sexual, intellectual and or just purely platonic. So, it can become quite confusing and frustrating. So I'm just as unsure as you are at the moment. How about this: do you think about women or men sexually or more as more as a friendship? One huge indicator for me, was during masturbation, I can only get off thinking about women.

Have u ever tried watching porn-on-girl porn? Although that doesn't mean much because a lot of straight girls become aroused my women. So, there's nothing set in stone of criteria about what makes someone bi/gay. Could you imagine yourself kissing a guy/girl? I know you're still young, but what about marriage, who would u prefer to wake up next to in the morning?

IMO, given that we have some feelings in common--I looked back on my elementary/middle school years. I had major crushes on my friends/female teachers. And along the way, as I fell back into my hole of denial, I had to put my feelings for women on the backburner. Even though, I wanted nothing more but to be with a girl. Enough about me...I think you may be gay because there seems to be pattern for girls who are bi/gay to have an history of being attracted to women during a young age. Even though I could be completely wrong, but please do enjoy your journey of self discovery and I wish you the best (*hug*)

 

Another thing to remember is that actual 'phases' really arent as common as people most believe them to be. The normal evolution of teenagers makes it seems as though they are drastically changing and unstable, however, the reality is that age just reveals more truths than were known perviously.

For instance, sexuality is a mute point for children before the age of puberty for the most part. With the assumption that an individual is straight until proven otherwise, it is no wonder those who come out are going to be assumed to be confused. Its not that you didnt realize your sexuality until you were a teenage, however, it is likely that your feelings to any sex werent very prominent to begin with.

It is quite uncommon for people to actually lose attraction in a gender. Though very common for people to assume that they are attracted to the gender that is expect of them.(Essentially straight) So I wouldnt worry about being wrong or having things change.

 

Hi there,

Just a disclaimer: I'm going to spout off on some things that I've found are true for me or for people I've known. This may not apply to you, or may not be true for everyone, but I hope you find some of it helpful.

Phases can have more than one meaning:

I think "phases" refers to exploring your sexuality once you have realized that you're questioning. Once you have admitted to yourself that you're questioning your sexuality, you do go through phases in that questioning. Kind of like this continuum: "I have no idea what these feelings mean," "Am I gay?," "Maybe I'm gay or maybe this will pass," "I don't want to be gay so I'll ignore it," "Okay, I'm definitely attracted to women so I must be gay." At least that's how it kind of worked for me. (You can replace gay with bi, or any other sexuality you like). There's probably some scientific research out there about the actual phases of questioning sexuality. If I find it, I'll let you know.

Of course, "phases" can also refer to people who are curious about same-sex relationships and seek out those experiences. Whether or not they enjoy those experiences compared to their opposite sex experiences may help them determine their sexuality. I have heard of a couple people who were questioning and had homosexual experiences and decided that they were, after all, straight. Rest assured, though, that this is not something that I've heard of often. But plenty of straight people have homosexual experiences for fun, because they were drunk, because they were curious, etc, etc.

I think being gay (or bi, or whatever) is very different from that. It's a trait that's stable over time. Over time, you find yourself consistently attracted to the same sex more frequently than the opposite sex. So, partly, that means you have to take some time to pay attention to your feelings and attractions in order to determine your sexuality. But if you've been attracted to several different girls over the period of a year (or longer, I'm not sure from your post) and no desire to be with a guy, you're gay, girl. Go you! (I'm just giving my opinion here; no one can decide your sexuality but you!)

What it comes down to is this: human sexuality is not an "either-or;" it's a continuum. A small number of us are 100% hetero or homo. But the vast majority of us fall somewhere in-between. That means that most of us have had a legitimate sexual attraction to both a male and a female at some time in our lives, even people who are closer to heterosexual on the continuum. What's more, some people have a sexual orientation that fluctuates over time. (This stuff is NOT my opinion. It's rooted in psychological research).

But the way I think of it for myself is like this:

-Heterosexual people don't question their sexuality as much, or as often, as I have (just my opinion, I could be wrong here, but it feels true to me).

-Being straight for a heterosexual person is probably like being female is for women. I'm female and I've never questioned my gender identity. It's something that I've always known about myself, something I'm comfortable with, something I've never questioned, and something I wouldn't change for the world. However, some people (transgender people) have questioned their assigned gender and whether they should have been the opposite gender. That's sort of like me questioning my sexuality. If I were heterosexual, it would probably feel like being female. It was assigned to me (because everyone assumes that you'll be heterosexual because the majority of people are) and I wouldn't have any reason to question that, unless I had feelings pop up that aren't consistent with being heterosexual. Which I obviously did.

That's what makes me feel a little more confident that this is not a phase, that it's real for me and probably a life-long thing.

I hope that made sense and was helpful. Good luck.