It's been a long time coming... I have to break up with my boyfriend of three years, and I have to do it this weekend when we have time to talk. We opened this up already - our unhappiness with the way things are - and I know now more than ever that it needs to end. The most basic reasons we have to end this: I'm unhappy, he's unhappy, it can't be fixed by "trying harder," I don't want to be in a relationship anymore, I feel like neither of us are able to grow while maintaining long distance in graduate school after 3 years of skype and flights already, I just don't feel any romantic attraction to him... Unfortunately, he has no idea about my questioning. It's probably the worst possible time to bring that up, huh? I want to tell him the core of my reasons for ending this: I (we) need space to be happy, this isn't working for either of us, I can't feel that way about us anymore... But I feel dishonest by excluding the somewhat essential fact that I'm not straight, could possibly be bisexual, and am not writing off other orientations at this point... Honestly, the only thing I know is that I am really, definitely not straight. I think I should keep it from him, though... It can only make things worse for him, right? I can remember how upset he got (which really upset me in turn) when he saw that I watched a few LGBT movies, two of them documentaries, out of interest a year or so ago. I gave him my netflix info to share an account, not at all concerned with what he would find in my recently watched list. Wrong. He positively freaked out and had me torn up with guilt over what had truly been a passive interest at the time I watched them. He's not homophobic, but I think he's always feared that I would change and leave. Not necessarily orientation, just in general... I'm not the sort of girl anyone would guess is questioning, but maybe he has always sensed some uneasiness in me - even though I have always denied it to myself. And, just for the record, we are a long distance couple. I have a ticket to fly and see him in a few weeks that I'm probably not going to use... though he paid for it and it was very dear. I was supposed to be there for the holidays with him, his parents, friends, and grandparents... they all made plans to receive me and now I just can't go... I'm not sure if he knows where this is all headed when we speak next. Could really just use some support or advice on how to deal with this with dignity without telling him about my questioning... He deserves better than a cruel shock
I had a similar issue when separating with my ex. He knew I had a thing for women when we got together and as a few years passed I was open about the fact that I was becoming more and more sure that I was bisexual. He was comfortable with this. What he didn't know, and still doesn't, was that towards the end I completely went off men (in a sexual way). I say 'went off', I know that sounds so fickle but I can't describe it any better. I loved my ex a hell of a lot but over time things changed and that aspect of the relationship became untenable. I told him practically the same reasons you have stated. Things weren't fixable (we had compatibility issues), the relationship had run it's course, I wanted to be on my own. All of them completely true. However, I made the decision not to tell him about me needing to be with women because I didn't want to break his trust or confidence. I believe that when you are in a relationship you should do your utmost to not leave that person any worse off (in the long run) than they were when you met them. Therefore when ending things, I try to be honest and give them closure, but do it in a way that is sensitive. He invested a lot of time and energy and emotion into our relationship (well, most of it) and I was not about to turn around and have him feel that had been a waste, because it hadn't. I couldn't leave him feeling that he wasn't enough, because for a long time, he was. I guess, that is the tragedy of ending any long term relationship. At one point he asked if I wanted to be with women instead but I maintained that I was ending it because I felt it had run its course and we weren't working. This was true and when we ended he understood and in some ways agreed. I felt guilty in the weeks leading up, wondering how much I should open up. The urge was strong because he is such a good guy and despite the hurt he felt I know he would still have tried to understand and support me the way a good friend does. What I told myself was this: The relationship isn't working for either of us. Period. Relationships end for all sorts of reasons. The demise of ours unfortunately coincided with, and certainly wasn't helped by, my wanting to be with a woman. However this does not negate the other reasons it also ended. The things you have stated are still just as valid because essentially, the only thing that really matters is the relationship isn't mutually beneficial anymore. That is why it ends. That's just my experience. I hope it helps. You've reminded me of my situation so much and I feel for you, I really do. You know this man best, so do what you feel is best for him and you.
Gosh, that was so helpful I gasped. Thank you for putting so much of yourself into your reply. I feel very comforted by you and other women who have been through this and came out okay - and there are many I've met, here, who are still in the thick of it. It's going to be so very difficult - especially because it has to happen on skype. That's such a terrible way to end, but I can't exactly fly to Edinburgh to break up the first night and spend a month crashing friends' flats... If I had been able to pay for this ticket it would be different - I could go and see him and stay away afterwards. I could say goodbye to him and probably the city as well, for all I'll feel welcome after this.. Do things in person like people. But then, I suppose that skype sort of punctuates our unhappiness in a way the airport will undermine... And I think that if he were right before me I couldn't resist telling him about my questioning and the background reasons for some of our problems... he doesn't need that. I just feel like shit for doing this to him over skype, costing him a transatlantic return ticket, a trip to Dublin, trains to London to see friends... so many things paid for and planned for me that I have to push back. If I wasn't so damned poor I could at least pay his parents back for some of it... But I guess that's all out of my power. I want to leave a lot of it up to him, but I don't know what he'll say about the flight... Tomorrow we are deciding about the ticket - am I flying or not? We are also ending us, though I don't know if he knows it. What a mess! But, again, I'm glad that I've worked up the spine to break things off with him - especially after such a wonderful experience these few years in the many other ways we stretched each other... -R
It is unfortunate that there are financial implications resulting from the break up. I'm sorry to hear that, it can't be helping how you feel very much at all. The thing is you have to draw the line somewhere. Sometimes the line is a mess and causes all sorts of upset and hassle, but in the long run it is best that it is drawn, rather than dragged out. A significant amount of time is spent making or talking of plans for the future in relationships, so where does it end. Once the realisation that the relationship needs to end is had, I think it can be very hard to carry on pretending it isn't whilst waiting for a better moment to end it. At least you are able to do things face to face (presuming you have cams), that's the next best option if you can't do it in person. Don't forget, whilst you may make the decision to end the relationship, you have both played roles in where it is and the fact that it is ending. So whilst you understandably feel unhappy about the financial consequences, it is not your fault. Rather, it is a by-product of where the relationship has come to. Unfortunately. Try not to beat yourself up too much x
Thanks I feel a little better about the tickets now, really. I'm a very responsible person, financially, and it was killing me to think of the money mess I'm making for him that I am absolutely unable to fix... I can save money quickly, though. If we are friends in six months I might be able to.. I don't know. Pay back? It would probably be too awkward to think of then. Anyway, thank you. It's good to have someone speak sense where you've forgotten what it sounds like. Tomorrow night will be hell, but at least it will be over and he can start to mend... I'm thinking of telling a friend of mine, "Rob," about all of this questioning business over drinks on Sunday. He's gay and a little older. We've been peers and friends for a while and like to hang around the same bands/folks in our city, so I feel very comfortable around him. It's funny, but when I asked him to come for a pint this Sunday to ring in finals week, he gave me such a look that I felt totally exposed. Ha... I think he's been that friend to a handful of others before. Maybe he can guess? Anyway, it would be huge for me if I manage not to choke on my whiskey or chicken out. I want to sort of "come out" in the sense of telling the first person about my attraction to women... and the lifelong history of it. I hope he's up for that! It sounds odd, but I feel as if the act of speaking it will help me determine its power or influence in me. I need to vent to someone after everything with (boyfriend) and all of this interior storming. He seems like the right friend to confide in.
If you feel that paying back is a feasable prospect then you can always propose it to him? As for talking sense, hindsight is a wonderful thing! I can't tell you how much of a complete and utter confused mess I was a few months back. I think it's a good idea to speak to this 'Rob' person. It's quite strange. The first person I told about my feelings was a friend who is older than me and a lesbian. She is the only person I knows about my true feelings breaking up because at the time no one else had a clue about me. Most still don't. It does help to have that someone and I'd definitely recommend choosing a friend to confide in who may understand. Good luck!
God, here goes... We're talking sometime in the next hour and I feel sick. Had to reread all the advice I've had lately to remind myself why I shouldn't tell him about my sexuality concerns. fuck.
Just read through your post, good luck! I've been trying to break up with my boyfriend as well and I know it's terrible and confusing. Not that this makes the situation any easier, but you could also think about it this way: If you were straight, would you still be happy in your relationship? It sounds like you two have been having problems completely unrelated to your questioning. Hope this helps!
Well, It's done. I might be crying, but it's mostly with relief. I didn't disclose anything about my orientation that would upset him, but I was honest in saying I wasn't attracted to "us" anymore and probably couldn't be in the future. It hurt a hell of a lot, but he is so amazing... he just understood. I could see it was devastating, it definitely crushed me, but he was strong and let the relationship end with dignity. I feel so much... more honest with myself and with him - even though I left our my questioning. This was the right thing to do and we can each begin our mending. A major part of myself has to be rebuilt, but I think the work to be put in will be worthwhile. I can't express how helpful EC and everyone in these many threads have been through this. thank you, all. -R
I'm really glad for you. I hope this will eventually turn out to be the decision that granted you the freedom that you needed to explore yourself fully
