I'm sorry this might be kind of long but I'm really scared atm and Im not sure where else to get help.. It started a good 2+ years ago when I first started self harming and I progressively felt worse and worse after that. Over summer last year I started thinking about suicide and wanting a way out. At that point it was only thining about it, not how or when etc. 8 months ago I had my first encounter with, idk what to call it but being just about to do it. The first time I was driving to training and I just found myself accelerate towards a pole, once I crossed the centre line I freaked like what am I doing and corrected my stearing etc. I've been in that sort of situation three more times since, once with cutting, once pills and once a car again. A month or so ago I started to really manage to finally cope with eveything and I actually started feeling happy and I was eating normally. Yesterday I had school prizegiving where (as usual) I didn't get a prize, which I mean I wasn't ridiculously bothered by. And I found out that the group I hang out with at school hate me and were bitching about me- I mean Im not bffffls with them, Im only really good friends with one girl who was the one that told me they were bitching about me.. I mean like friends aren't my strong point and it was just real shit of them to welcome me into their group and stuff but then turn around and be like yeah I never liked her from the start. Last night after prizgiving I had another of these encounters, like I wasn't sad or angry, it was just like my body wanted to die. I typed a text telling my best friend where to find a suicide letter I wrote a long time ago and sent it. Then I just sat in my car too scared to drive for a good hour. Once I sorted myself out and realised Id text my friend I rung her to say that was supposed to go to someone else and was some letter they needed to pick up then I bussed home. I just I'm scared of next time this sort of thing happens because its getting harder to fight it. I've been to counselling but it didn't work, I ad huge issues actually talking to anyone and when I did I always toned it down or just lied because I couldnt admit the truth. I mean my family history is far from flash, I've been bullied blah blah but I dont understand why I think like this.. its a mess.
Sorry to hear that you're struggling with this - have you talked to anyone about these feelings or impulses you're having? If not a counselor, then the friend you mention, or a family member? I know it's hard to talk about it, but the more people you do talk to this about, the more it will help. If nothing else, keep posting here on EC, or PM any staff member about it, myself included. Would you say that your feelings of wanting to hurt yourself usually come after some sort of event? Like most recently, sending the text to your friend about your suicide note after hearing about the other girls at the prizegiving. I'm just wondering if you get these feelings from having triggering events happen, or if it's something else. If all else fails, keep talking - we're here to listen. (*hug*)
It's really good that you have asked for help. This must be quite scary. Have you spoken to your Doctor about these feelings? I wonder if you're on any medication at the moment? Really, you're best help would be to see someone who has expertise in this area. Sometimes it can take time to find the right counselor but when you do it could change your life. Just a thought. In the meantime I'd suggest finding the number of an agency who are trained to deal with these things, I'm not from your country, do you have the equivalent of a Samaritans perhaps? When you get these thoughts tell yourself STOP (pull over) for a count of sixty or so. Anything that delays taking the action will do. Then make a call to them or someone who can help. Keep talking to people, you're doing the right thing by opening up here.
Thanks guys, I haven't thought about if particular events have set it off.. tbh I don't think so. Like Ive just woken up and its gone downhill from there like things have made how I feel worse but I haven't been like oh this happened so I'm going to kill myself. I have spoken a wee bit to my friend and she was so so good, but I never really talked about this stuff- just the self harm and pretty much just how shit I felt. I would try talk to her but I cant help but think she doesnt want to/ doesnt need to hear it.. Like its only going to ruin her day and make her feel bad or worry or whatever.. Im not really sure, what are samaritans sorry? thanks again
First: (*hug*) Let me ask you a question. Which do you think would ruin your friend's day more: you asking for help, or her learning that you killed yourself? As for why you've been having these feelings, I think it's useful to remember that mental illnesses should be thought of as what they are: illnesses. We sometimes drive ourselves crazy trying to pinpoint some deeply traumatic event that must be causing our suffering, but think about it this way: wouldn't you think it was weird if someone told you they had never been sick? Just as sickness is a natural state for the body from time to time, so is unhappiness for the mind. But just as there are different levels of sickness for the body (i.e., cold vs. cancer), so are there different levels of sickness for the mind, some of which require treatment from someone who really knows what they're doing. I'm sorry that your first experience with counseling didn't work out, but I think it would be worth your while trying again with a different therapist. The fear issue can be really tough. I've had similar experiences not wanting to fully delve into things with a therapist. You know what I think that comes from? First, I think it's an extension of the disease: we assume that no one would want to be bothered by our problems because we think we're not worth the effort. We rationalize it as Things Just Aren't "That Bad." Let me state this unambiguously: wanting to kill yourself, whatever the reason, is "That Bad," and you are worth getting the help you need for it. Second, I think the fear comes from a sense of shame. For myself when I was having mental health issues, I felt so guilty for having the problems that I did. After all, I am a white, middle class, cis male who grew up in a perfectly functional family and area. What excuse could I have for having these problems? But the truth is that again, mental illness is illness. The flu doesn't care what your background is. Think of it as sharing your symptoms as you would with any other kind of sickness. Sure, it might not be the most comfortable situation in the world to tell your doctor about the violent diarrhea you've been having, but (a) they've heard it all before and (b) they need that information to treat you appropriately. The same is true for what you've been experiencing. It feels shameful to admit that we have trouble managing our lives, but things like healthy coping skills, being vulnerable, and competently processing our emotions are NOT intuitive and more often than not NOT taught to us as well. I can't guarantee that you'll be able to magically turn yourself around after a few sessions. Finding a counselor you work well with, much like any other social relationship, takes trial and error. But I think it's worthwhile to make that journey because I don't think the status quo is working for you. And of course write as much as you need to on here (*hug*)
