Empty Closets Coming Out Resources and a Safe Place to Chat
Welcome Forum Chat Room Resources News Members

Go Back   Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender people coming out > Support Area > Coming Out Advice

Coming Out Advice A supportive place to ask for and give advice about coming out. Includes a sub-forum for posting stories about your coming out experiences.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 6th Dec 2012, 08:08 PM   #1
Newbie
Regular Member
 

Gender: Bigender
Orientation: Gay
Out Status: Only out to partner
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 7
Join Date: Dec 2012


Coming Out as Bigender

So I've been recently struggling with the knowledge that I am bigender. I feel that I am both a man and a woman in a female body, and it's been hard trying to reconcile the two while coming to terms with my identity. I feel as though I'm at the point where I'd like to come out to my friends at least (who are a mix of both straight and queer-minded people), but I have no idea where to start. I'd had no idea what bigender even WAS until I explored it for myself, and I have no idea how to tell my friends that I'd like to start using a mix of he/him and she/her pronouns in certain situations. I'm afraid of being rejected, even though I had previously belonged to my friend group as a lesbian.

Still, I don't feel like I can continue to pretend that I'm just a woman, when half of the time I feel extremely dysphoric and uncomfortable, particularly at times when I'm male and everyone misgenders me (unintentionally, sure, but it still hurts and makes me uncomfortable). I guess I want to hear from other bigender people or people who have experiences like this to know that I'm not alone and that others have taken these steps before me. ): Thanks!
schrodingers is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th Dec 2012, 09:58 PM   #2
Love
Full Member
 
Romi's Avatar
 
Gender: Genderqueer
Orientation: So you've got genitals
Out Status: Not a secret and yet some people are suprised
Location: FL, USA
Age: 29
Posts: 1,206
Join Date: Aug 2012


Re: Coming Out as Bigender

So it's 1 AM here and I'm dying from a migraine, so I apologize for this reply being super short and not at all filled to the brim with awesomeness. However, I just really wanted you to know that you are not alone.

I promise you. I know exactly what you're going through. I know it's tough, and it hurts like nothing else sometimes. People don't always get it. They don't understand. And you can feel unbearably lonely. But please...just remember that there are others going through the same things you are.

Also...I noticed this is your one and only post.

Welcome to EC. This is a wonderful place to come for things like this. I hope you'll stick around and see how amazing and support everyone here is. If you need guidance, opinions, are looking for answers, or just want to have fun or vent...this is the place.

Never hesitate to ask anyone for anything. And above all else, remember, you're loved, there's always somebody who will be there for you, and you're not doing this on your own.

<3
__________________
* * *
If you get lost, you can always be found.
Just know youíre not alone.
Cause Iím going to make this place your home.
Romi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th Dec 2012, 10:21 PM   #3
Newbie
Regular Member
Threadstarter
 

Gender: Bigender
Orientation: Gay
Out Status: Only out to partner
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 7
Join Date: Dec 2012


Re: Coming Out as Bigender

I feel really silly right now but this comment has made me seriously tear up. (': I obviously don't know yet how other people will react when I come out, but my mind is only conjuring the worst. Thank you for responding to me. I feel really alone in my feelings, so it's nice to know that I'm not!

And thanks for the welcome. <3 I was researching bigender identities and stumbled across this forum. I figured it might be nice to stop in and say hi, since you all look like such a lovely group of people.
schrodingers is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th Dec 2012, 10:29 PM   #4
Love
Full Member
 
Romi's Avatar
 
Gender: Genderqueer
Orientation: So you've got genitals
Out Status: Not a secret and yet some people are suprised
Location: FL, USA
Age: 29
Posts: 1,206
Join Date: Aug 2012


Re: Coming Out as Bigender

I'd like to think we're a lovely bunch, but not coconuts.
Get it? Okay so that was lame.
Anyway...I'm glad to hear that I could make you feel a bit better, reassure you. You're completely welcome. Like I said, I know exactly what you're going through. And when my head isn't exploding, I'll be able to take the time to get nitty gritty with you on the subject, if you'd like.
I look forward to it.
Take care for now.
__________________
* * *
If you get lost, you can always be found.
Just know youíre not alone.
Cause Iím going to make this place your home.
Romi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th Dec 2012, 10:52 PM   #5
Individual
Full Member
 
J Snow's Avatar
 

Gender: Transgender - MtF
Orientation: Queer
Out Status: Boobs getting harder to hide >.<
Location: Ames, Iowa
Age: 27
Posts: 1,901
Join Date: Aug 2011


Re: Coming Out as Bigender

Coming out is the hardest thing you can do. I feel like I've taken the approach of making new friends and getting a new support system instead of telling people. Its easier, but I have to deal with my family and roommates not knowing that I'm 3 months on hormones.

If possible I would recommend you try to talk to a therapist, but just start small. Come out to someone you really trust. There's no reason to feel you need to take it any faster then what helps you feel more comfortable
__________________
"You don't need to hide my friend, for I am just like you."
J Snow is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th Dec 2012, 07:58 AM   #6
Newbie
Regular Member
Threadstarter
 

Gender: Bigender
Orientation: Gay
Out Status: Only out to partner
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 7
Join Date: Dec 2012


Re: Coming Out as Bigender

Yeah, I know... it's really awful because I already had to come out to everyone as gay. I can't imagine how hard it'll be to come out yet again. I thought about talking to a therapist; I've never been a therapist person, but this is a huge deal and I think I need someone impartial I can talk to about how I'm feeling.

I agree! I have a friend that I've been wanting to talk to, but I'm really nervous about it. He's a transman who has a big personality and is pretty... egocentric, so I'm a little worried that he'll do what he always does and turn this into something about him. I don't know if I could handle that, since I'm already feeling pretty invalidated about my identity. But anyway, thank you for responding! I feel so relieved to know that I'm not alone and there are people who understand and care. (:
schrodingers is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th Dec 2012, 08:05 AM   #7
Let's Go Blackhawks!!!
Full Member
 
CapínSerious's Avatar
 

Gender: Male
Orientation: Gay
Out Status: All, but some extended-family
Location: Washington D.C.
Age: 25
Posts: 513
Join Date: Dec 2012


Re: Coming Out as Bigender

Don't be ashamed who you are. Wear or act in anyway you want. Don't think about what other people say. It what makes you, you. Never be ashamed who you are or will be.

Talking to someone who is caring and understanding really helps, like your friend. Don't be nervous around him, be who you are.

I'm also here if you want to talk. I understand what you are going threw. Just message me!

~Josie
CapínSerious is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th Dec 2012, 08:39 AM   #8
Love
Full Member
 
Romi's Avatar
 
Gender: Genderqueer
Orientation: So you've got genitals
Out Status: Not a secret and yet some people are suprised
Location: FL, USA
Age: 29
Posts: 1,206
Join Date: Aug 2012


Re: Coming Out as Bigender

Quote:
Originally Posted by schrodingers View Post
Yeah, I know... it's really awful because I already had to come out to everyone as gay. I can't imagine how hard it'll be to come out yet again.

I completely understand the hesitation of coming out more than once in the sense that you're coming out about different things. People tend to think that since you've come out once already that the second time should be easier, but that's not right at all! The second time around, you're coming out about some much more volatile. As unfortunate as it is, discrepancies regarding one's orientation versus what people think their orientation should be is much more readily dealt with and accepted than discrepancies concerning their gender.

Like J Snow said, just take it slow. There is absolutely no need to rush these kind of things. Tell someone you're close to, someone you trust and can confide in. And I'll admit to having done much of the same that J Snow has, in regards to surrounding myself with new acquaintances who I know will understand and accept me. This is a good idea. However, you shouldn't ignore the issue with those who are already in your life.
__________________
* * *
If you get lost, you can always be found.
Just know youíre not alone.
Cause Iím going to make this place your home.
Romi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th Dec 2012, 10:37 AM   #9
Newbie
Regular Member
Threadstarter
 

Gender: Bigender
Orientation: Gay
Out Status: Only out to partner
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 7
Join Date: Dec 2012


Re: Coming Out as Bigender

Right, that's how I feel about it. I'm worried that people will challenge it, and that I won't be able to explain what I need from them as far as this goes. Like, when I'm male I feel like I need to transition and need the correct pronouns used for me, and it hurts when people refer to me otherwise, but that's difficult. Ahh, I just don't really know how to handle a conversation like that, but. ):

Yeah, that seems a lot easier to me than telling all of my friends, particularly the ones who are straight/cis and probably wouldn't understand what I'm trying to tell them, though I suppose I wouldn't know until I tried. Thank you, I appreciate the advice y'all have given me so far! I feel a little better about it, even though I'm still a little... scared.

I think it would be easier if I felt comfortable with gender neutral pronouns like ze and hir, but I don't. May I ask what pronouns you use, Romi?
schrodingers is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th Sep 2013, 07:41 PM   #10
Member
Regular Member
 
Juliette1428's Avatar
 

Gender: Genderfluid/Bigender
Orientation: Pan-romantic, straight depending on gender.
Out Status: A few people
Location: New York, New York
Age: 19
Posts: 17
Join Date: Sep 2013


Re: Coming Out as Bigender

Hi! I'd just like to agree in reassuring you that you are not alone. I had (and still do to some extent) the same fears. I'm bigender too, but in a male body, and I completely understand how hard it is sometimes when you feel trapped in the wrong body.
__________________
Jeremy and Juliette
Juliette1428 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th Sep 2013, 09:51 PM   #11
...
Full Member
 
Nick07's Avatar
 
Gender: Male
Orientation: Gay
Posts: 2,682
Join Date: Jul 2013


Re: Coming Out as Bigender

Hi,
I admit that my reaction would probably be, And what do you want me to do?

Do you know what you want for your friends to change? Because if you don't tell them, it is probable that after your coming out nothing will change and you will be disappointed. If you said you were trans* it would be easier to understand and they could start using a different name or pronouns, but if you are bigender?

Do you want to be addressed by different pronouns everyday (depending on how you are feeling that day) and your clothes should be the indicator and hint for your friends?
__________________
Happiness doesn't depend on who you are or what you have; it solely depends on what you think.
D. Carnegie
Nick07 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th Dec 2013, 03:39 AM   #12
Newbie
Regular Member
 
Gender: bigender (male)
Orientation: Bisexual
Out Status: wife and few friends
Location: new london nh
Age: 53
Posts: 1
Join Date: Dec 2013


Re: Coming Out as Bigender

hello to all.....no...you, i mean WE are not alone.! 50yo very male appearing male with a wonderfully tender and sexual woman screaming to get out!!!

i have known i have been "different" since about 13 when i would dress in my mother's clothes....wear makeup and put my hair "up/back" with bobbie pins......felt VERY comfortable until caught by my brother....then my.mother........that is when i learned just how wrong and cruel society was/is...

when i would travel alone for work i would buy womens clothes and go to gay accepting bars and Guilynn would feel sooooo free!!

now i live in small town nh....known by about 80% of the community......coach kids at the hs ... and i just cant walk out the door in my skirt and heels! lol

good news......Guilynn is coming out.....but on a limited basis.....

my heart pounds out of my chest thinking about it!

going on T for medical reasons....hoping for gynocomastia effects. after weight loss and health benefits i am hoping to beging feminization hormones. end goal.is to bring forward a more neutral appearance which will allow me to flow in and out of both my identities...... am i wacked to try this?
shaved1nh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th Dec 2013, 07:16 AM   #13
Occasional Captain Obvious
Full Member
 
PurpleGrey's Avatar
 

Gender: Female
Orientation: queer
Out Status: Out to everyone
Location: LA county
Posts: 851
Join Date: Dec 2013


Re: Coming Out as Bigender

Well, seeing as it's been a year, I hope you are at least a little more comfortable with the idea of coming out. You may want to warm your friends up to it beforehand, drop hints here and there, talk about recent LGBTQIA issues, and see what their attitudes are. Test the waters, so to speak.
PurpleGrey is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
My Coming Out Story chrisb Coming Out Stories 41 5th Apr 2016 06:20 AM
Favorite response after coming out. Route466 Coming Out Stories 35 10th Apr 2014 10:44 PM
My coming out story for English class 4alex6 Coming Out Stories 6 10th Jul 2013 09:40 AM
Coming Out - What to expect guide Seth Coming Out Advice 1 22nd Feb 2007 06:58 AM


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:21 AM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0
Copyright (c) 2004-2015, Empty Closets Community Services
The Empty Closets name and logo are registered trademarks of Empty Closets Community Services

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21