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For bisexuals, would it be wrong to "choose"?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Merino, Dec 7, 2012.

  1. Merino

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    Do you think that, if you were (or if you are :slight_smile:) a bisexual, is it wrong to choose one gender over the other?
    For example disregarding female crushes and instead going for men, because it's easier? Or is that impossible if one is truly attracted to both genders equally?
     
  2. Fiddledeedee

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    Bisexuality doesn't mean you're attracted to both genders equally; some are, but some also have a preference for men over women, or are only attracted to one or two men, or something like that. It's possible to choose one gender over the other, since being bi doesn't mean you have to have both to be satisfied, but it can also lead to pain and trouble should you fall in love with someone of the other gender. Statistically it's more likely a bisexual will end up with someone of the opposite gender, but I wouldn't recommend an arbitrary limitation to that effect, as should you have a crush on a girl there's little reason not to go for it.
     
  3. yes

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    yeah i'd say you can't really choose - i mean you can choose how to act, for example only being with guys if you're a girl cause that's easier socially. but you may still fall in love with girls and you'll still find them attractive... but i don't think it's wrong to choose only to be with one gender. if you feel okay, and not like you're suppressing an important part of yourself, than sure why not.
     
  4. inlove21

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    Yes I agree. You don't have to choose . It's who ever you like. Bisexual does not mean you like both genders equally it just means u like both genders.
     
  5. Merino

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    Yeah, I phrased that a little stupidly. I didn't really mean to ask whether bisexuals have to be attracted to both genders equally, but whether it's possible to choose.

    For example Cynthia Nixon said she chose to be gay.

    I'm questioning my sexuality, but since it's obviously much, much easier to pass as straight in our society (and with my family), I wonder if I can just keep it to myself and maybe casual date women, but if possible, avoid to fall in love with a woman...
     
  6. EMF49

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    For me at least, I would never purposely choose one over the other because I'm attracted to both genders pretty much equally. I'd say honestly though, on just a regular night out, I would more actively pursue women just because it's a lot easier to flirt and potentially pick up women for a bisexual guy than it would be to flirt/pick up men. If we didn't live in such a hetero-normative society though and it was equally acceptable to flirt with both men and women, I'd absolutely do it.
     
  7. hardhearts

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    Well I definitely understand the thought of not coming out because if I can just end up with a man and it won't matter. I won't say it's wrong necessarily, because that would make me a hypocrite, but it's probably not the best thing to do. You really can't help who you fall in love with. I mean, if you have an extremely passive attraction to women, that might be one thing. But if you are honestly attracted to them, I think denying that side of yourself and "playing straight" simply because it's easier might leave you with more grief later on than you realize. It certainly has for me. I thought it would be fine to just ignore it, but it has ended up taking a huge toll on me emotionally and mentally; I think I would be a lot happier if I had just been honest with myself, and that's what I'm in the process of doing right now. That said, everyone's different. Just my experience in a situation that sounds very similar to yours.
     
    #7 hardhearts, Dec 7, 2012
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2012
  8. Merino

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    Yeah, that does help, hardhearts. Oh well, you're most probably right, it can never be healthy to just lock away a part of your personality. :/
     
  9. Josclare

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    Bit late to see this post but thought id give you another prespective. I understand completly why bisexual who have preference over the opposite gender would want to repress their feelings to the same sex especially if they are surrounded by homophobic people. However if you trually like someone and are choosing not to be with them then you are putting fear of what others think ahead of your own happiness and that not only lets the homophobes win it also means your not going to be happy in a relationship until you find someone you like of the opposite gender and even then you might always be wondering what if i had dated that girl would i happy with her. Stastically speaking you properly are more likely to end up with a man but relationships arent just about who you end up with their about what you learn about yourself along the way and if your never trually honest with yourself your not going to learn that much. I am only romantically attracted to men which basically means i repress the straight feelings i get because i could never date a man because i dont enjoy sex with them and arent physically attracted to them and having this crushes that i cant act on makes me very frustrated and probably does me mental damage so if i were you and you fancy someone just go for it and try not to worry about anyone else (easier said then done i know) best of luck
     
  10. Robin Vote

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    I think that... you should get to know yourself first. Then, let yourself fall in love or casually date in the way that feels right. The coming out issue doesn't actually have to happen unless you naturally find yourself dating or loving other women to the point of needing to make it part of your identity.

    What's dangerous... is the push to love only men when you might not be as inclined to keep that kind of relationship forever. That's much more dangerous than a little openness with yourself and allowing an attraction to women to become real.
     
  11. TheAMan

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    Being bisexual doesn't mean you like both genders equally. It just means you are attracted to both genders. If you want to choose a gender to focus on, there's nothing wrong with that. For me, I focus way more on guys than I do girls, but I still check out girls every now and again.
     
  12. confuzzled82

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    I know for me, before I accepted I was also attracted to guys, (and was supresing that) I had a hard time recognizing attraction to anyone. Or, it was more like I was supressing attraction to everyone.
     
  13. barca

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    I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I'm glad you brought this up, it's been helpful to read these posts so far and hopefully future ones. I was going to make a question thread on this myself, but this one seems so related I figure I better post in here.

    As someone having similar questions, here's my perspective.... My feelings toward men have just felt meaningless. I mean I see that I find them attractive, but what realistic chance do I have of being with one? It feels so hopeless the idea of me, someone who's already really shy, first finding a guy then finding out he's gay then founding out he's also attracted to me and then me being willing to make a move. And on top of all this, I have to explain to all friends and family that I have a boyfriend, and then explain that I also like girls too. It just seems like an impossible task.

    So it's this kind of thought that leads me to thinking why should I ever tell anyone I like guys? If it's not like I'm going to be with one, then what would it matter to anyone else? Can't it just remain something I keep within my own thoughts. Not repressing it, just not openly embracing it (which I don't even feel like I can do if I wanted to!).

    If there really just existed a choice, I think I'd want to pursue a relationship, but I don't know if that choice exists... at least for me. Any crush I've had in school, I've been 99% sure the guy was straight. With women, it feels like a huge barrier is knocked down from all this, the fact that they're very likely at least attracted to my gender... And then I don't have to deal with explaining everything to family, I don't have to deal with any questions, it just seems so much easier...

    I don't know, I'm sorry for rambling in your thread, but this is how I've been feeling on this subject. Thanks for bringing this up.
     
  14. Pret Allez

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    Bisexuality is not an equal attraction to each sex. It's just having a sexual attraction to either. No it's not wrong to choose. I think as we go through exploration, we enter more selective phases.
     
  15. plasticcrows

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    If you choose to pursue one gender over the other, yet retain the capacity for attraction to the other, aren't you still bisexual?
     
  16. Joey4

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    I consider myself bisexual based on my attraction to guys in addition to my already heterosexual history. I don't know if I'll ever be with a guy, but I've told two people thus far about who I believe to be and..it's just nice to have a few people in on your secret. It's stressful keeping that information to yourself and it's unhealthy.

    ---------- Post added 7th Dec 2012 at 11:25 PM ----------

    And as it pertains to the original post: I say just say do what feels right. We spend so much time trying to tell ourselves who we want to be instead of just discovering who we are, it leads us to this false sense of self.

    Let life unfold in front of you.
     
  17. Ettina

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    I'm really not the person to know about this sort of thing, but from what I understand, you can't choose not to fall in love with someone. You can chose whether to date them or not, but falling in love is not voluntary.
     
  18. MichaelB

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    Bisexuality doesn't mean you out right like both genders equally.

    I would say I was bisexual, but I'm more attracted to men. I think it becomes slightly 'wrong', if you want to say that, if you out right deny a female even though you're attracted to her/could see yourself in a relationship with her, but you reject her because it's easier to be with men.
     
  19. Merino

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    Thanks to you all :slight_smile: I love the input I get here.

    I think what I'm taking away from this discussion: I need to let go of a lot of heteronormativity, which will probably come with time and obviously with reading and informing myself about these things.
    Privately, I'll just explore and take whatever comes (crushes, infatuations, falling in love, with whomever). And then I deal, i.e. come out/don't come out... all of that. Just need to push the thought away and really try to make myself feel free enough to pursue whatever makes me happy.
     
  20. RainbowBright

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    You cannot choose whether or not to be bisexual, you either are or you're not, it's not up to you. But you can always choose who to be with, just like you can choose never to date married people, or only to date people 5 years older than you. Who you date is your choice and your choice alone. It will not stop the feelings, and the attractions you have to other people, but that is the same for everyone in a relationship. I would not choose to date hetero simply because it is "easier" because it is not easier - if you are constantly thinking about being in a gay relationship, that is not easier. Even for me, who was in a hetero marriage although out as bi, eventually found in years of getting to know myself that I crave the emotional compatibility I get with women - so hereafter I will be exclusively with women, although that will not change the fact that I am also capable of finding men attractive.

    Incidentally, Cynthia Nixon clarified that quote after. She said she did not really mean she "chooses," because she is bi no matter what, but she has found what works for her and is sticking to it. That is the same as anyone who has been through relationships and grown into an adult does - you choose better what works for you than before you knew what you are like in a relationship - you choose to be with people with the same lifestyle, the same hobbies, the same commitment to staying sober, the same level of financial responsibility, whatever. I recommend if you are going to choose a side for yourself, it comes from knowing yourself enough to know what makes you happiest and moving TOWARD that, not fearing possibilities and moving away from them so as not to have to deal with complexity. Life is complex, and trying to make it simple doesn't make it any less so... sometimes it just makes it even more complex than when you started avoiding things.

    Live life to be happy and healthy, not to have things go easy.