Gaaah!! Why is this so confusing?! Okay, so I identify as genderqueer and its really confusing me. I actually feel like I'm in stuck in the middle of being genderqueer and being an ftm transgender. I identify more with the masculine side of my personality, but I don't identify fully as a boy. I like it when I pass as a boy and thats the gender I want people to see when they look at me but there is still a feminine side to me as well. I feel like a boy on the outside (at least thats what I want to portray) but on the inside I feel like both male and female. In terms of where I went to go regarding physical appearance, I would definitely consider binding and possibly top surgery in the future, but I would not have bottom surgery. Regarding T, I would only take it to deepen my voice and make my face more masculine. I don't want to grow my body hair out, I don't want facial hair (although it would be cool to grow a moustache!), I don't want to have a masculine torso and I don't want to lose my feminine figure. I am quite tall and weedy so my curves aren't very noticeable but I do like what I do have! But I suppose I can't pick and choose when it comes to T can I? Actually, is it possible to take smaller doses of it and it doesn't alter your body too dramatically?! If this makes any sense at all, I feel like an effeminate gay boy inside a lesbian's body! My femininity feels like it comes from a masculine source. But my sexual orientation leans mostly towards girls. But even that could be subject to change! I am also attracted to a lot of ftms, some mtfs and the very occasional guy (VERY occasional!!) plus other genderqueers. So maybe I'm pansexual?? Greeeat! Another issue I have to work through. *rolls eyes* People can be very quick to shove me into a category that makes sense to them. Lesbian, butch, trans... But what if you don't fit into their categories? I'm too feminine to be a boy and yet too masculine to be a girl!! But even genderqueer doesn't really seem to fit right anymore. Maybe a masculine genderqueer?? Fuck - I just feel like an alien on this planet!! What the hell is wrong with me?!
There is nothing wrong with you. In fact I really admire your uniqueness. Human beings aren't soup-can labels. I identify as lesbian but there has been at least one guy in my life that I would try a relationship with. I don't really worry about that compromising my identity. I don't know what advice to give you about transitioning as a transgender person because I'm not transgender, but i will say I have always found transgendered people really beautiful. Maybe because I don't have any outward indication of my identity or sexuality as a fem and you have a very outward expression of who you are. I wish you the best in your self-discovery. Just know that you don't have to "decide" to conform to a certain label. Don't look at your unique identity as a horrible or weird thing.
