Scared because I'm bi?

(*hug*)
Hey. I know how you feel, this scares me as well. I just want you to know your not alone. Sorry I can't be of more help :icon_sad:

 

This forum has had a really bad track record with being negative towards bisexuality - often from people who are not bisexual themselves. So as a lifelong bisexual and monogamous person, let me just tell you, never mind all that! You are not a stereotype, you are yourself, and you are in complete control of your actions, if not your feelings. Just like any other person in a serious relationship, yes, you run the risk of someday not feeling into the person anymore. More relationships end than stay together, of any kind. But bisexuality does not in any way mean someone is a cheater, is uncertain of who they are, or is going to have radical shifts in interests at the drop of a hat.

I was in a straight relationship for 14 years. We acknowledged my bisexuality prior to that, because it is an inherent and important part of who I am and always will be. But in 14 years, I was never with anyone else but my husband, and it was not an issue. Now that I am divorced, I will be dating women exclusively, because I realized that they are a better match for me to live with and deal with daily emotional stuff. I did not suddenly realize I am a lesbian, I am still bi and always will be. But I am particular about who I'm with, and men generally no longer fit into what I'm looking for in a marriage.

In fact, many people believe that sexuality is fluid, not stagnant, and that it is perpetually changing over time. Whether or not that is true for you, you have full control over how you choose to act on your feelings. People in serious relationships often have attractions to other people, but that does not mean they have to run outside the relationship to get with those people. People who are truly bisexual (and that is actually a majority of people - not many are 100% on one side or the other) are capable of loving long-term, regardless of what body that love comes in. So for instance, there were periods - about every 3 years or so - during my relationship when I shifted predominantly to liking the other sex. I'm not sure why, I just tend to alternate back and forth in my general preference. But that was irrelevant to my marriage, because I was committed to it, and was interested in the person I was with. He was still the person I fell in love with and still had all the things I got into him for, even though for a few years here and there the majority of random people I might be attracted to happened to be female. That was not relevant, because I was in the relationship with him, and I cared about him on way more levels by that point that purely choosing him because he was a man. Sex was still as good as before, because it was still with him. When we divorced, it was because he stopped being the person I fell in love with and became abusive, not because I was primarily into women at the time.

So hopefully that helps to deal with your fears a bit. As long as you live your life with integrity and honesty, things will be ok. No relationship is guaranteed to be forever, and they don't have to be any shorter because you are bisexual. In fact, as a bisexual, mine was both longer and more faithful than the majority of the relationships of my peers, both heterosexual and homosexual. Your life is in your own hands, not in anyone else's.

 

sorry, i know this thread is a little old but i wanted to say thanks to RainbowBright for that post. it wasn't even intended for me, but it's made me feel better.

i'm in a committed, long-term relationship of nearly 4 years with my partner of the opposite sex and i have only just recently realized (or rather acknowledged?) that i'm pansexual. i came out to my partner immediately and thankfully he seems to be completely ok with it, but in the back of my mind i'm worried. i can't imagine myself ever not being faithful to my partner, but at the same time i've never been with a woman and the curiosity of what it would be like to be with a woman is there. makes me want to kick myself sometimes, honestly. :/ but for one reason or another, your post has made me feel better, so thank you. hopefully it helped the OP as well.

 

Thanks, curlycats, that means a lot to me!

I think you need to be open to your feelings and true to yourself. That means being honest with him, and being faithful. It also means checking in with yourself every now and then to see if the relationship is still working for you. Relationships don't always fulfill our needs forever, even if they did at one time. The best relationships are where the people in them get up and CHOOSE to be in them every day, or at least most days. If there comes a point where the need to be with a woman is too strong to ignore, you have options. You can end your relationship if it is no longer working anyway, which is most likely in that scenario. Or it is also possible that you are really fulfilled by the relationship in every aspect but sexual. If you are absolutely sure this is so, you can try discussing with him if we would be ok with an open relationship. But keep in mind, most people I know who have done this ended up breaking up anyway, because of jealousy, or the questioning person figuring out they really need to be with the same sex. You can also try a short separation, to figure it out, during which both people would be allowed to sleep with others - that has more success, but still is limited.

These situations are painful, but far less painful and cause far less damage to everyone involved when you are honest, and don't sneak behind someone's back to cheat. It's not too likely that you will have such a powerful need when your current relationship is awesome that you need to cheat, and then will "have gotten it out of your system" and go back to being straightish. A lot of people hope for this and cheat with a same sex partner to know that they are not interested, it grosses them out - but then they like it even better than the person they're with (partly because that relationship isn't so good) and then there is a huge mess.

Although there were temptations, I'm really glad I never cheated. It is just never the best answer. I would suggest you just do your best to keep your relationship alive and fulfilling for both of you, and if there comes a point where one or both of you are just fundamentally not fulfilled by what the other partner brings to the table, it is sad, but can still result in a very deep and beautiful life-long friendship. Breaking the trust kills that possibility, which is such a shame. Since he is so far ok with it, even if that means you need to be out to others or wear rainbow jewelry or march in the Pride parade or whatever it means you need while with him, you may be able to make it work for the long haul. I know in my own relationship, if he had not slowly turned into a ridiculous jerk over the years, I could have stayed with him happily 'til we died. That was my plan, and even wanting to date some women does not comfort me enough to quite be over the death of that plan just yet, I am still not ready. But I think I am getting a lot closer to feeling whole, or mostly whole, after losing my family and having to start over.

 

curlycats, you are lucky he understood and accepted you for who you are.

RainbowBright, I can totally relate to your post. For a long time I was the the label of bisexual, but I've only been attracted to one guy (the one i married) and that attraction has gone away. I have that moment when your in a mall for example and just "check out" a pretty woman. I tried for many years to not do that, but I can't help it. So, my sexuality has shifted to being labelled gay? even if I was into a guy once?

 

Hey GuidingLight! I think that happens to people, a lot believe in the concept of sexual fluidity. I don't know if it ever changes back, or just stays the new way, for most of those people it's happened to. For me the "stage" I'm in is fluid, more focused on men, or on women, but I am always still bisexual. So I am not into the one guy I married anymore, because he's a douche, but even though sometimes I wish it didn't, hetero sex still turns me on, and I still find myself attracted to guys. But I'm never going back there again, because I want a serious relationship and I just do not fit with men for emotional issues the way I do with women, nor with the realities of living with them. So my sexuality didn't change.

But perhaps yours did. Do you know if you are just over your husband, or you really can't "get it up" for the idea of a man of any kind, even in an ideal circumstance? Like, I was so turned off by my ex for a while I wondered if I had lost my bisexuality, but after a few months of grieving, I got to a point where I was like, ok that guy on the commercial is hot but he's probably a jerk, and then I had a few fantasies about faceless guys who were perfectly fine people and not horrible, and that was ok. The thing that turned off my bi was actually thinking of my ex, not all men in the diversity they come in.

I think it's fine to call yourself whatever feels right, it's not for others to question. You would certainly not be the first woman to move over time from one type of sexuality to another. Sometimes I wish I could just be a lesbian since I am romantically only interested in women, but I'm not and in all my life that has never changed, and that is ok, I am who I am. I just feel weird sometimes saying 'bisexual' because that gives an impression that I am open to dating both, or in being with both at the same time!, which I am not. Saying 'lesbian' feels a bit uncomfortable too, because even though it describes my current situation best, I feel like it denies my past and my full identity. There is no word yet that means 'married to a man once, still bi, but only dating women now and forever afterward.'

If you hear of one, let me know!

 

wow, RainbowBright, you are just awesome beyond words. thank you so much again for your post. it really means a lot. so much that i think i'll save a copy of it somewhere for future reflection.

yeah, i could never ever cheat on someone. i already have experience with being cheated on and could never do that to anyone. on the other hand, what you said about open relationships (how that often results in a breakup anyway) rings all too true and having been through a divorce as a kid makes me want to avoid that as an option for myself. in those respects, i have to admit that i do kind of feel like my hands are tied already (especially with the matter of the relationship being complicated by a visa), but those things aside... i feel like our relationship could really work and stand the test of time and i would be an idiot to back out of it now based on curiosity.

so yeah, i will most definitely stay put and will be faithful to my partner, while constantly checking in with myself. through it all, though, i do hope i can be active in and accepted by the LGBT community once i do come out of the closet.

again, thank you so much for your wise words and advice.

@GuidingLight yeah, i know i'm amazingly lucky.

 

omg same here!!!! sorry...its ironic...i feel thr same way

 

Doubt.

The kinds of challenges bisexuals face are different from the kinds that homosexuals face. I wouldn't say they are easier or harder. They are just different. I think that part of the problem is that there aren't really great councilors out there to talk to about it, there aren't very many resources available for people having a hard time with this orientation.

But from talking to many others and being very active in the queer community for the past few years, it seems to me that the hardest thing for many bisexuals to deal with is doubt. There are three things that cause this:

1 - your attraction will swing back and forth, often throughout the week. Liking pizza one month and burgers the next isn't a big deal but when that happens with your sexuality--something that carries serious life-altering consequences if you were to get stuck on one side or the other, that can be unnerving. It is common for bisexuals to ruminate on this constantly in that first year of coming out and it's very stressful.

2 - There aren't very many bi rolemodels who are older than you, and there aren't very many people on sites like this one, who are older, and who still identify as bisexual at that age. Compounding this, many people believe bisexuality is a phase, or that it doesn't really exist.

3 - As an extension of the previous problem, there isn't much of a community for us. There's heteronormative society, where you'll always feel out of place, and there's the gay community, where you'll tend to feel like a minority within a minority. There isn't a big welcoming community just for you, to help you deal with your problems, so you have to be an island. You just have to work a lot of things out on your own, and that can be emotionally difficult at times.

What all these outside forces do is instill you with doubt about yourself. It creates the fear that you can invest a lot of time and energy identifying as bisexual and living it up, you can become emotionally attached to that identity and that image of yourself, and yet it could cease to be at some time down the road. That's tough to think about.

I've found that when I'm in a (good) relationship with someone, I tend to gravitate towards their gender, and my attraction to the other gender goes into a sort of hibernation. It's not the same kind of preference that gay and straight people have, it's much weaker--I'm still attracted to both, but only the hottest of the hot ones from the other side will elicit a strong reaction. I've also noticed that when our relationship is in trouble, the attraction to the sex I'm not dating ramps up quite a lot. I think there's this psychological component: it's based on opportunity. If my brain thinks the relationship could end, it starts to see the sex it's not dating as potential partners again.

You learn to control it better with experience, basically. Having relationships and having exes has helped me a lot. The emotional reaction I get from thinking about an ex creates a shortcut in my brain that turns on the attraction to their sex. So I have some semblance of command over where I will gravitate.

 

thanks, Spatula, for your sharing your thoughts and experience on the matter. even though i've only recently identified myself as pansexual, several things that you've said i've already experienced and thus ring very true to me. particularly your second-to-last paragraph-- i'd say that it's like that for me as well.

i hope i too can learn to control it better with experience.

 

Thanks for the warm words, Cats. You and RainbowBright both actually.

 

I am not longer attracted and or disgusted at any point in time to the thought of having sex with him. I seem to be only attracted to women besides him. But, We met in high school so that could be why. I chose him for the wrong reasons, when I had a chance at a real relationship that I had the "right" feelings for; I guess, passion is a good word?
I just really want to feel like I did before. Alive.amazing attraction to both body and mind.I wanted to be there no matter what. I want to actually desire the person I'm with basically...:bang:

 

Just decided to randomly scan back through some of the older threads here and stumbled upon this one. I wanted to add my thanks to RainbowBright for your thoughts and words. You were able to focus my lens a bit. Feels like recently the focus has been zooming in and out - and you brought some clarity for me. You have a very steady and reasonable voice - [well, to me - ] and you help to clear out some of my brambles and undergrowth. Floating through the forum and reading over the past week, writing a few posts, and daily checking in with here - and myself, has kept the pot stirring - in a good way. It's funny, but I sometimes consider my 'frame' around my sexuality kind of blurry. I think that's probably the case for all humans though - as we grow up trying to find where we fit with all these newfound desires to "be with" someone. In young days it brought me much confusion after I found myself having sex with my college roommate and enjoying it. From that moment on - naturally I asked, "Am I gay?" But I also had relations with women. Bisexual seemed to fit - but after I married a woman I didn't really ask myself anything. I was simply happy to be with this person whom I felt was an incredible match to me -- my good part + the fucked up pieces. 5yrs later and a one night stand with a man filled me with terrible guilt - and I didn't want to ruin my marriage - I still loved her and felt like crap that I'd hurt her so. But it did help clarify things for me. I settled into the fact that I was bi, but that I was also choosing to be monogamous - simply to not complicate things and not wreck our marriage as she would not be into it [although she knew about my bisexuality before we got together - I revealed ALL to her]. It all hung on my choosing monogamy and since you have to settle on ONE person and knew she was that person, I simply didn't indulge my attractions to men. Acknowledged them privately to myself, but never talked openly or acted upon. Then came the kids - and many years of marriage. Then came the empty nest, health problems, menopause and lost of interest, cancer and loss of interest in anything beyond survival, conflict, anger, and drifting apart -- and then loss of not only attraction, but really even enjoying each others company. But we carried on. Just as in every other avenue of our lives of survival. And when you're simply trying to "keep walking through hell" things like sex - or even sexual identity - things that at one time in life seem so important - drop waaaay down on the priorities. But then, if you get lucky like myself, you get to survive - and then decide perhaps you want more than survival, and dare to THRIVE -- and sex does become an important part of recovery and being fully ALIVE on this earth. There's no do-overs. This isn't a dress rehearsal. These become mantras along with "If not now, when?" with the clock ticking louder and louder in the background. With the wife and me drifting apart - and no other prospects in sight - it's just me in my fantasy life - and a desire to recover my health in all aspects of my life, including sexual. So, from low testosterone, low libido, low everything while under chemo - to rebuilding daily. What does that mean? Practice makes perfect. But "practice" also means solitary - and sometimes nothing can be lonelier than sex alone when you used to share that passionately with that person right over there - who now shows distance for some reason that can't be discussed. sigh..... So fantasy life takes over - and I have a rich imagination -- along with a good wi-fi - and after skittishly exploring the porn air waves - finally settle into not feeling like some loser perv [former going to hell catholic altar boy] and begin enjoying all sorts of porn: straight, gay, bi, and then again start wondering: "Have I been kidding myself?" "Am I in a 30 something year denial?" and on and on... Like it even matters. basically I think it's just those old questions rising again - now in a culture that's more accepting than it was in the early 70's. Anyway, I stumbled upon this question and Rainbow's response - and she made a lot of sense --- even down to the feeling somewhat different in general about the opposite sex - despite the long term loving hetero-marriage that mostly was a happy one. Like Rainbow w/men, I now find myself in my late 50's simply enjoying the company of men more. I often feel with women my age - that in general they could live just fine w/o any males around. Now that we're all past the reproductive stage - I sorta feel my "usefulness" has expired. I find women confusing to me, their talking too fast and at times even shrill to my ears. It's just sort of a preference thing. Most older guys have a way about them I understand. Kinda funny actually, because I spent an awful lot of my life - from teenage on, feeling like I didn't really fit in "with the guys". I was lousy at sports and self-conscious that I knew little and could play even less. To top it off - I was an artist - that was my main i.d. The past few months - and especially the past few weeks have found me on the edge of a separation with my wife - and also highly questioning myself once again -- perhaps it's all just a diversion - like I'm even still in the "Game." I dunno. But as always my whole life - I do know I 'm someone who doesn't fit easily into "any of the above" choices and tend to live and think outside of the box - and have always colored outside the lines. In the end, it's not really at all important to answer - gay, bi? straight? - just to keep peeling back the layers - discovering a little bit more every day not WHO I AM, but that whoever I am, it's good enough - even the confused me. You helped me tonight with your words, RainbowBright - not to discover anything new, but to accept what's already there: one messy, outside the lines, creative, free-thinking, life-loving, passionate, sometimes ecstatic, mostly grateful, and incredibly lucky INDIVIDUAL. I remembered that about myself - because you reflect that yourself. Thanks for that, kiddo. Think I'll sleep a tad bit easier tonight - even w/o knowing where this sad relationship is heading. Take care - and thank you.