Hey everyone, I have been looking online for some advice regarding coming out and I came across this website. First of all I think its great that there is a online forum for this. I'd really appreciate some advice from you all. Here's a little background on me--I am 21 years old and in college. I haven't come out of the closet yet because my group of friends is enough to make me happy and I'm extremely thankful to have them in my life and I actually have a really big crush on my best friend. I don't think its obvious that I'm gay, ie, I don't fit the stereotype of caring about fashion, the way I speak and my personality, and my mannerisms, just to name a few. Regardless, I am gay and haven't come out of the closet. It wasn't about until a month ago when my best friend who I thought might be gay started becoming interested in a girl after not being in any relationship with a girl for nearly three years and not having done anything sexually with a girl. He and this girl are really hitting it off and he has told me they have done things and that he is really starting to develop feelings for her. Because of this, I've fallen into a state of depression because now I think he isn't gay. However, that is essentially forcing myself to come out because this depression thing is not fun. I decided that I am going to come out to him first--he genuinely cares about me and would support me through it, as he is a big supporter of LGBT rights and a big supporter of me. I'm waiting until next week when finals are over with to tell him whats going on. With all this being said, I don't want our friendship to change. I think what my main question for you guys is with all of the stuff that I told you, will our friendship change? I don't think it will but it is the thing that is bugging me the most about coming out. Do I tell him that I love him more than a friend as well? I really appreciate any feedback you give me.
Standard advice for this type of situation - don't tell him both in the same conversation. Let him get used to the idea you're gay first - especially if it's far from obvious that you are. You've been thinking about this for a long time but the rest of the world hasn't. It's not a good idea to unload both statements on someone at the same time and expect nothing to change. Especially if he's just at the beginning of something good with this girl he's dating.
Hello numberten and welcome! I believe that your friend would be a good choice to come out to. You never know how the person will react, but from what you mentioned (he is supportive of LGBT rights and a supporter of you), I think you will have an overall good reaction. If your friend has a girlfriend, is doing sexual things with her, and talking about them to you, he is not gay. He might not be fully straight, but you never know. Only way to know for sure is wait till he tells you or you ask him. I would wait and see how he first reacts to your coming out before telling him your feelings. Can I ask what makes you think he might be interested in men? Some straight guys are so comfortable with their sexuality that it is hard to figure out if they are just being friendly or it means something more.
Regardless of how close you are, there will be an awkwardness between the two of you if you tell him that you like him in that way. Just imagine having a female friend and her profess her love for you even though she knows you're gay.
Thanks for all your comments so far! As far as my friend goes, there are a few reasons why I think he could be gay/bisexual. First, he is very touchy feely. For example, he likes to hug and wrestle all the time, and has kissed me on the cheek and top of my head. He also says gay sexual references and we joke about it and says he loves me. He could just be really comfortable though. Secondly, before this girl, he hadn't had a girlfriend in over three years and he told me that he didn't do anything with any girls except one time when he was getting a hand job and told her to stop. He does have some confidence issues though and he might be gaining some now that he has a girlfriend. Third, he is very into the LGBT movement--he goes to all of the Unity club meetings on campus. But at the same time, he is also a social justice oriented person, like supporting fair trade stuff and is a leader of the Habitat for Humanity club. Obviously, it would hurt me emotionally if he wasn't gay, but I'm prepared for it and will accept it if he isn't because he probably isn't. Honestly, I just want him to be happy, and if he is not gay, so be it. I won't tell him that I have feelings for him but I feel like he could put two and two together and assume.
