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Question about open relationships and seeking advice about moving forward

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by jm7034, Dec 9, 2012.

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  1. jm7034

    jm7034
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    Hi, I'm new and so glad I found these forums! I've been struggling a bit lately and am need of support/advice.

    I'm queer (bisexual to be specific) and have been in a relationship with another bi-queer male for 12 years. This is about the same time I came out to friends and family about my identity. I've struggled with sexual intimacy with him over the years and have increasingly developed greater emotional and physical connection towards women.

    Recently, my feelings have become so strong--through meeting another woman ("Jade") via an online running forum--that I discussed with my partner about having an open relationship. My partner is open to it and we discussed boundaries around our new relationship status. One of the boundaries is to let the other know if the other relationship becomes serious/potentially long-term.

    "Jade" and I don't think we could keep our relationship casual, if we started dating. We have a strong connection and both think it would lead to something more serious. My SO knows about my attraction with Jade, and he's also worried that we will develop a close, long-term relationship.

    It's complicated, and I don't want anyone to get hurt. I'm really struggling and am at a loss of what to do. My partner is one of the most kindest, most humble persons I know, and we do have a strong emotional connection. It's the physical connection, at least for me, that is missing. Is it unfair that I asked my partner to have an open relationship? Should I take a "break" from my current relationship and explore the connection with Jade? Maybe the feelings will pass over time, and I should just try to spice things up with my current partner. Thanks for your support and advice.

    -Jen
     
    #1 jm7034, Dec 9, 2012
  2. inthedark4eva

    inthedark4eva Guest

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    It sounds like you're missing a key point in your relationship with your male partner. Have you talked to him about missing the physical connection? And no, it's not unfair that you asked him to have an open relationship. It's nice that you're considerate of everyone else's feelings and that you don't want to hurt anyone. But you also do need to think about yourself, especially if you feel that your relationship with your male partner is missing a key essential part. In the time that you accepted that you are bisexual, have you found yourself attracted to one gender more than the other? I know when I first started dealing with my own issues, I was one who tried to label myself as bisexual. And I tried having a relationship with a woman....and it was definitely not fulfilling and everything I wanted. I now have accepted that I am definitely gay and not bi.

    I'm not sure exactly what advice to give. But being at EC is definitely a good place to start.
     
    #2 inthedark4eva, Dec 9, 2012
  3. jm7034

    jm7034
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    inthedark, thanks. I appreciate your response. We have talked about my missing the physical connection. It's been an ongoing issue for many years so much so that I started seeing a therapist about 8 years ago. I only stayed with her for a year or two because she was too focused on what I could do to feel attracted to him. After quitting therapy, I started masturbating to lesbian porn. I opened up to my partner about this recently--the fact that I masturbate to lesbian porn and that I'm more physically drawn to women. I'm attracted to my partner's soul and spirit. He's a beautiful person inside and it would be hard to leave him. We do have a strong emotional connection, and we have 3 cats together. He's now talking about buying a house together, but I'm reluctant to do so before figuring this out.

    To be honest, I'm not physically attracted to men and have zero interest in male genitalia. I suspect that I'm a lesbian and not bi. I guess I scared of losing what we have together. I'm at a loss of what to do/how to move forward.
     
    #3 jm7034, Dec 10, 2012
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