I'm new here - i'm using a nickname on the site, of James. My picture is really me though. Just didn't want people to be able to google my name and have my posts here come up. Anyway - I'm gay. I've been this way since i was born but have never been happy about it. I just kinda wanted the simple life, to marry a girl, start a family, live in a nice house.... But the fact that i'm gay stole that away from me. Things aren't helped by the fact I have issues with depression and anxiety relating to a diagnosis of Bipolar type II i was given a few years ago. I'm 19 now and out to my closer friends and my mum - but i'm still very unhappy. And here is why: I'm not attracted to gay guys... I don't know why but I just don't seem to be. I've had very strong attractions to 5 guys in my life and the first four were straight. The fifth and most recent doesn't act gay, he's just a normal lad - and me and him got very close and he confessed to being close to falling in love with me, and me to him - and we were pretty much in a relationship and... Well for the first time in my life I thought maybe it isn't so bad that i'm gay. Because this made me happy. But... he's not out to anyone but about 2 friends - and he is very uncomfortable with the idea of being with a guy, publicly. And we live in different cities. We both decided it was too painful to continue seeing each other when there was so much holding us apart (although I am actually still willing to try because he is the first person to have ever made me happy). That's where i am right now - in the aftermath of that glimpse of perfection that was stolen away from me. I just want that feeling back - the one I had when I was with him. But it seems so impossible! Firstly, I'd need to find a guy I liked, which is hard enough, then he'd have to be gay, and then most importantly he'd have to find me attractive in return which seems next to impossible. It just frustrates me so much. I don't see how it can happen... I don't want to go to a gay club or anything to meet anyone because I can pretty much guarantee that going somewhere like that would make me feel shit about myself and I wouldn't like anyone who went to such a place anyway... I just feel like giving up. Because it seems hopeless. It took me 19 years to find the first person who I liked who liked me too... And now it's gone. And I just feel horrible.
well, you are only 19, i mean that in a kind way...dude, your life is just beginning. if u r bipolar, my mom is, so i bet you have highs that are very high. when u were happily dating, u were very very happy. that does not mean you will not have it again! i wonder how many straight married men only dated and married the 1st girl...they met as a teen? Not many. So why would the 1st crush be the only or best one? now for lows...it gets bad right? so i bet u r depressed that he got away. but i just figure you got a few possibilities here chap: he will come out more and then come back to you, he dont come back but another better guy shows up, and lastly u don't worry about the past, you thank God for it...treasure a good memory all yours that nobody can ever steal from you.
Hi James, Reading your post reminds me of what i was like when i was 18. Like you I have depression, struggled for a while with my sexuality and always felt out of place and unsatisfied with life. Like you I had a terrible crush on a straight guy, and the worst part of it was that I later found out he was dating my best friend- it was heart rending. But over time, things will change, time will smooth everything out and you'll find someone you love, and will love you back. Maybe you won't need to find that someone, and will be content with being by yourself. Even today I sometimes want to have a special someone more than anything in the world. But I don't let that swallow me up. I agree with Deaf Not Blind. You're only 19, and life has barely started. Why give up and walk away without trying? I'm 19 now, and it seems very strange that i'm offering advice to someone my age, but trust me- personally things have changed for the better, and I'm sure your's is going to be amazing too
Welcome to EC. I think what's been said already is good advice. You really are at the beginning of your whole life ahead of you. I mean, you've already had the opportunity to find a guy. I'm 21 and I've never even dated so far. Does it get me down? Sure. But I try and remind myself that I'd rather wait for something worth it rather than push myself to go find a guy or have sex just because the desire is there. I'd also like to point out that 1/5 guys being into you is pretty good. Statistically, something around 18 or 19 of every 20 guys will be straight. So to have 4 guys you're interested in not be gay is really not that bad in the grand scheme of things. Think of it this way: if you hang around here for a bit, or even check back on this thread... you're going to here counts from tons of people similar to where you are. People who want someone attractive and into guys. People who don't want to go to clubs. Now, since we can establish that there are other people like you who exist, it's just a matter of finding one in real life. If you don't like clubs, try other places where LGBT people might frequent. If you're in school, maybe your school's LGBT center, or even your local LGBT groups. I know my city has a running group for gay/bi men. Another option is online dating, but it's not for everybody. Being gay does make it harder to find someone, but not impossible - just try and remind yourself of that.
I just kinda hate the fact that all my friends are happy and have this amazing teenage romances and I've been left alone - and I hate the thought of growing old - or dating when I'm older. I dunno. I just feel like I'm missing out on everything life has to offer.
A LOT of peeps feel like that! I have lots of divesrse friends in real life. I have had private messages from men and women, straight, gay, lesbian, bi, and transgender, all saying same thing. Sometimes I wondered why so many really great, funny, talented people are not dating or married, when jerks are?! One buddy called it "the Friendzone"....we are so good, we just friends. Argh!
