Hey, everyone! I apologize ahead of time for the long post, and appreciate any help. Also, IF ANYTHING SAID IS OFFENSIVE I ASSURE YOU IT WAS NOT INTENDED IN THAT WAY. I consider myself a primarily straight male. Prior to the spell I've been going through the past two months I would have probably told you I was a Kinsey 1. I've never been attracted to men (or at least not in the same way as women), but certainly have no problem recognizing an attractive male. I also am in NO way homophobic, and am part of my university's GSA. I have been in a relationship with my best friend for 3 years, and love her very much. I plan on spending the rest of my life with her (not sure how I feel about marriage, but that's another post). The only relationship problems would be sexually related. I love having sex with her, but it doesn't happen often, and can get a bit routine. Since my youth, I have never been attracted to males, and experienced a pretty "average" straight teen life. The only experimentation that occurred was taking a shower with some friends, and a peck on the lips. Neither experience was arousing in the least. So that brings us to now. About two months ago, I was watching Glee (I like some musicalish stuff...f*** heteronormativity), and smoked a bowl. I then thought to so myself, "What if I'm gay?". This immediately sent me into a panic. I was able to shrug it off though, and passed out. I've had these passing thoughts before (not under the influence), but it lasts for about an hour and I usually resolve it. I tend to over think ever aspect of my life. I'm not going to acknowledge HOCD as I don't think it's a real thing. However, it is possible that I have OCD (This is not the only thought problem I've had). Once I woke up though, nothing was resolved, and the past two months have been hell. I spend roughly 18 hours a day going back and forth in my head asking myself questions and gauging my response. I also spend many hours online looking at forums/taking tests (which I know in NO way are accurate). I have to say things out loud too sometimes. Here are some of the questions posed: 1. Am I gay/straight? 2. Do I want to have sex w/men/women? 3. Do I want to be in a romantic relationship w/a man? 4. Do I really love my girlfriend? 5. Am I attracted to that girl/guy? That's just a sample. No answer is sufficient to stop the racing thoughts. Sometimes I'll just try to tell myself that I'm gay, but that doesn't work. I've tried telling myself I'm bisexual, and that doesn't help. I've tried confirming my heterosexuality, and that doesn't help. I've looked at gay porn, and tried to have gay scenerios play out in my mind, but don't get aroused. I still get aroused by straight/lesbian porn (although the men in straight porn now make me nervous). But even when I realize I'm not attracted to men, my mind just tells me I'm lying. When I tell myself that I may be attracted to men, my mind just tells me I'm lying to myself. At the end of the day, despite what my mind says I am naturally attracted to women only. I do not want to have a physical/romantic relationship with a man (although I definitely understand that love is love is love). I just worry about what if I discover later in life that I'm gay and have to split up a family, and hurt my gf/wife/kids. Can anyone give me any understanding of what is going on here? Thanks.
Welcome to EC. I'm glad you understand for yourself the bits about "HOCD is generally not believed to exist" and "online tests don't mean much", because it saves me explaining that. Anyways, I just wanted to comment on the bit about telling yourself you're gay/bi. Now, I'm not OCD, but I know myself well enough that if I "forced" myself to come to a conclusion like that just for the sake of having a conclusion, it wouldn't sit right with me and I'd revert to finding the answer. I can't really tell you what it means in terms of your scenario, but maybe it isn't concrete evidence that you aren't gay/bi. Beyond that, the only real indicator of being gay/bi would be having physical and/or emotional attraction to men. If you can honestly say you don't feel either of those, then you probably aren't gay/bi. Simple as that. I don't know, those are just my two cents. If you do feel you have other OCD-like symptoms though, it would probably be beneficial to look into seeing a professional for that.
BudderMC, Thanks for the reply. Like I said I don't really feel like I'm romantically/sexually attracted to men, but my brain just keeps going regardless (not fantasies, just lots of what if questions). I am seeing someone right now therapy-wise, and am on Zoloft for Anxiety/Obsessions. But it has just been a few sessions, so it may take some time to come to the root of it all. It just sucks because before I had no qualms w/ who I am, and loved hanging out with my guy and gay friends. Now being around them just makes me feel uncomfortable, and I wonder if every positive emotion I have towards them is in some way homosexual. Luckily my girlfriend is being super supportive because that has been another concern. It may seem irrational, but it is what it is. Thanks.
