I don't know what to do...

I don't know what I expect to happen by writing this, but here goes.

Overall, I'm a happy person with a good life. I honestly don't have much to complain about. I grew up having great parents who love me. I excelled through high school (valedictorian), college, and grad. school (Ph.D. in Molecular Biology), and I currently have a stable job. Also, I'm in good health and generally very happy. Anyone who knows me will tell you that. And, I can tell you it's real happiness, not just "fake" happiness that I put on as a show for the public. I know that sounds like sunshine and lollipops, but everybody knows that I wouldn't be on a "Support and Advice" forum if there weren't a problem. You all know what the problem is going to be. I think I may be gay. Let me preface with some back-story.

Despite my scholarly ability to excel in almost everything, I've always been a profound romantic retard. It's not that I have a bad personality. My personality is charming (if I do say so myself), and I have many friends. But, I never have been in very many romantic relationships. It's not like I avoided having relationships, but I never felt like I really needed to be in one, if that makes sense.

In junior-high, I dated a couple of girls, and they turned out to be the only two girlfriends that I have "officially" had. I think I had these girlfriends because I thought I should try it out. And try it I did, but I was not particularly attracted to either them physically. But, I was not attracted to men physically either. Physical attraction was just something that I really didn't understand. My first girlfriend was pretty short-lived. She broke up with me for some guy she liked better (I assume). My second girlfriend was someone that I liked better as a friend, so I thought it would work out better. It sort of worked for a while. We officially did kiss, but it probably would have been the first entry of the book of "Worst Kisses EVER." I broke up her, because I went to high school and she was in junior high, and we really didn't see each other that much. We were still friends after that, but not romantically.

Roundabout this time, I "learned" how to masturbate. Remember that I told you I was a romantic retard? Well, the first time I masturbated, it was literally an accident. I was washing up in the shower and the next thing I know I'm almost falling down. It took me about three hours after that to figure out what happened, but then it ALL made sense. All the put-downs like "you jerk" etc. suddenly made sense to me.

All through high school, I pretty much stuck to my studies. I was not concerned about dating, and I honestly wasn't attracted to anyone. And that was OK. I masturbated frequently, of course, but I was happy with that. Roundabout this time, the "dreams" started coming. I remember my first romantic dream vividly. It involved kissing my one friend (male) that I had known since 5th grade. I woke up from that dream as soon as our lips touched. I remember to this day the terror that I had in bed that night. But I still didn't think much of it, because I didn't have any waking physical attraction to this person. I chalked it up to a weird dream.

I graduated high school and went to college (undergrad). It was a pretty big adjustment going to college, since I was from a small-town. I wasn't too concerned about getting a girlfriend my freshman year. I focused on my coursework and made a lot of good friends (that I still talk with today). Roundabout this time, I joined up a campus Christian group, because I always have been pretty religious (Protestant). We talked in small groups about how too much masturbation could separate you from God, so I decided that I would try to stop in order to become closer with God. The attempt was an utter failure. I could barely make it three days without masturbating. But on the miraculous chance that I could keep away from it for a week or so, "THE DREAMS" started coming. I never had a "wet dream" before this...but I still remember my first one vividly. It was about a guy from high-school. He was completely naked, and covered in wet, glistening mud. Besides the shock (and pleasure) of waking up to a "nighttime emission," I was terrified about this. I did NOT want to keep having dreams like these. I was NOT gay, and did not want to be gay, and did not identify as gay. I figured out that if I masturbated regularly, then the dreams stopped. I was OK with that. (Plus, it was kind of messy waking up to THAT.)

I had LOADS of friends-who-were-girls in undergrad college, but we were never girlfriend-boyfriend. I was having fun just being around them. I could see that it was the same stuff that "couples" did, but without the sex. I wasn't really interested in doing more intimate stuff, because I still didn't feel attraction to either girls or guys. College broadened my horizons, and for the first time I met some gay people (males and females). I wasn't (and still am not) homophobic, but being gay was totally unacceptable where I am from. (There was only one gay guy at my high school, and he had it pretty rough, especially since he was the effeminate, "flamer" kind of gay.) To me, it was OK if other people were gay. But, I was definitely NOT gay.

Roundabout junior year in undegrad college, I discovered these internet websites filled with pictures of guys showing off their BIG, FAT, ROUND bellies: so-called "gainers." I learned more and more about gainers, encouragers, and admirers, discovering that some of them were gay and some of them were straight. I couldn't explain it, but I just could not stop visiting these sites to look at these guys' bellies. They enthralled me. Being fat was supposed to be something that society shunned, yet these guys were rejoicing in it. I started masturbating (in secret) while looking at these pictures. I figured that I was one of the straight guys who just liked this kind of thing. I thought: "No big deal. I'm not GAY. Besides, the dreams have stopped." I didn't really like it when they showed "bad parts" or even faces. But I loved it when there was this HUGE, anonymous belly with some underwear below it to accentuate the fat.

I graduated from undergrad, and went to grad school. I still had no girlfriend or desire to have one, but I also did not desire after guys either. I kept it a secret from everyone that I was looking at DUDES bellies to get off. (This is the first time I have mentioned it.) And, it was like this for a long time. I graduated with my Ph.D. and got a professor job at a university.

It was about then that I expanded my internet picture viewing to a wider variety of material (still all guys). I didn't live at home anymore, so didn't have to hide my internet usage. I started looking at more pictures of guys. Additionally, I now find myself noticing (in real life) how attractive guys are - sneaking a look at a guy in a tight shirt whenever I can. The chubby, muscle-heads are the hottest ones. And, I pretty much can't stop the dreams anymore. I more and more frequently have dreams about men. I have pretty much been denying all this until last week. I was at the mall and picked up a DVD of "Brokeback Mountain." I know this is going to sound incredibly corny, but I just could not stop thinking about this movie after I watched it. I felt like the Ennis Del Mar character was ME - in that he did not want to be gay, said he wasn't gay, but secretly lusted for men. The character in the movie tried having a wife and kids, but that didn't make him straight. Nothing did. For two hours, I cried myself to sleep about it. I mean, I'm not married and don't have kids. So, I don't have to worry that I'm screwing up someone else's life. I watched the movie a second time, and the same thing happened. I think I learned something about myself that I can't unlearn - I totally had erections through the sex scenes.

But, I feel trapped. I have always been accepting (and friends with) gay people, but I NEVER wanted to be gay myself. I think it's pretty clear after all that story that I'm probably gay. Why does this have to happen to ME? I don't know what to do. I know that I can never come out to my family. Mom and dad take every opportunity to say how much homosexuality disgusts them. Plus, my mom said said to me before that "It's not OK to be gay." I never understood why she said this, but probably she thinks I'm gay. I don't think that I act gay, but I know that lots of people think I'm gay. I always tell them I'm not. The gay professor at the college thought I was gay (I had to correct him). Students gossip and wonder if I'm gay - I overhear it sometimes. One student was brave enough to ask me directly if I was gay. I told him I wasn't and he replied that he was glad because he bet his friends $50 that I wasn't gay. Hell - I was eating by myself at the bar on my birthday and some woman comes up to me and the first thing she asks is if I'm a homosexual. I told her no, of course. It makes me fill with all the hate inside me that people just can't mind their own business. I never wonder about whether people are gay or not. Why do they have to sort everything into categories of "straight" or "gay?"

I support myself and live away from my parents (after all I'm 30 years old now), so that's not a worry. But I can't be gay. I only live a few counties away from my family. They would find out one way or another. Social media sites would pretty much ensure that. I don't know the least thing about being gay. Plus, I have absolutely no gaydar. People practically need huge neon signs over their heads before I would realize that they are gay. I don't know how I would find anyone to be "gay" with, and then probably I would know what to do anyway. Like I said, "I'm a romantic RETARD."

So, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I've been doing a LOT of thinking over the past week. I feel like the reason that I've never had sex with anyone is because I'm subconsciously terrified to learn that I'm gay. Over the last week when I thought about how I'm probably gay, it felt like a huge vice was clenching down over my lungs and chest. And, it looks like the chance that I'm straight is looking slimmer and slimmer all the time. I guess that's the current status of my reality and the self-imposed shame and terribleness. I'm probably gay, but don't think I can ever be out of the closet. I've been reading as much as I can from this website, and the posts are really great. But I just don't know what to do. Maybe I'll figure it out someday. For now, it looks like my closet is enormous and inescapable. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

~Captain Von Trapped

 

First and totally unrelated: you win the gold star for "Sound of Music" references.

I'm glad that you've been able to start working through these issues. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that learning to accept yourself isn't as simple as flipping the "Totally Down with Homosexuality" switch inside your head. Everyone's path is different, but I can share with you what I did and then you can take from it what you please

Don't be hard on yourself for not being able to accept yourself right away. After all, when were you consulted on this? Did you sign up for social/legal discrimination, increased difficulty in finding a partner, and the prospect of having to discuss sexy feelings with people whom you would not normally feel obliged to discuss such things? It's totally legitimate to be terrified, depressed, and pissed as all hell that you have to deal with these things.

So what I think is best to do first is to work on being ok with not being ok with your sexuality, if that makes any sense. Give yourself a fixed period of time---whether that's a few weeks, a month, whatever, as long as it has a definitive start and end point---to feel these negative feelings to their fullest. Keep crying yourself to sleep. Scream with rage into your pillow. Wallow in self-pity. Write long rants on here about how much you really really do not want to be gay. Whatever comes naturally. Say to yourself, "I am attracted to men, AND I AM SERIOUSLY NOT OK WITH THAT!" Do you see the difference between that and saying to yourself, "Gay? Me? Who? Men? Sexy? NEVER LA LA LA NOT HAPPENING!" The important thing is to acknowledge that the gay is here to stay: that doesn't mean you have to be happy about it!

Once that time is up, though, you need to make a conscious effort to slay what is right now your biggest foe: your shame monster. Your shame monster was implanted as an egg inside of your brain the moment you were born into a homophobic society, and it's only been getting bigger, stronger, and nastier as you've gone throughout your life. Whenever your shame monster tells you that being gay is icky and wrong, you need to make a conscious effort to push back against that negativity.

I like to think of it this way: Captain Von Trapped, do you feel disgusted with yourself because you prefer certain kinds of music to others? Do you cry yourself to sleep at night because you enjoy the taste of some foods better than others? Do you feel terrible because different colors appeal to you differently? Either you have a lot of other self-disgust to catch up on, or you should re-evaluate why exactly you get so down on yourself for this other natural preference of your body. True: there aren't profound social consequences for preferring the taste of peanut butter over jelly the way there is for liking the same sex, but remember, we're just talking about your internal life right now. Don't put pressure on yourself to tell other people just yet.

Once you get to a place where you're ok with the idea of yourself as a homosexual, then maybe think about who you could tell. I actually had a similar experience to you in that lots of people already thought I was gay, but I had denied it. I still haven't told most of them just because I don't want to admit that the bastards were right You get to do this on your terms and at your own pace. Maybe don't start with your family. Go for trustworthy friends: it's important to have an external support network in case your family doesn't take it well.

I would argue that the shame monster won't be fully slain until you're at a point where, even if you don't tell your family directly, you're confident enough in yourself that you can live as you want without worrying about their expectations/reactions. Because this life is your ship, my dear Captain, and no one gives orders to the Captain. Just because they birthed you does not obligate you to conform to their ideas of sexual propriety.

By the by, there is no "right way" of "being gay." I would say that you already know all you need to know about being gay: that is, it means you're attracted to the same sex. That's it. No more. No less. You are still completely free to be the person you want to be. You just have a special affection for dude humans.

I wouldn't worry so much about being inexperienced at romance either. If anything, use it as a launching point to be authentic. Just act how you normally would around people you like, and if they like you as well, it will develop organically from there. Most people think that there's some super duper secret of suaveness and coolness, but what it really boils down to is two humans interacting. I also wouldn't be concerned about this because:

(1) Romantic skills (and social skills in general) are totally not intuitive.
(2) Late-bloomers and awkwardness are actually a major turn-on to some folks (like me!)
(3) Life is so much more than sexual/romantic relationships.

Finding other gay people is tough, to be sure. Some of the ways around this obstacle include online dating, frequenting LGBTQ venues/events, and just generally being out and letting the other moths come to your flame. Pick whichever adventure you're most comfortable with.

But take it one step a time. Your anxieties have outpaced you by lightyears. A lot of it is simply a function of time.

 

There is not much for anyone to help you as you haven't accepted the fact that you are gay and you are too afraid that the society will shun you after you come out. I understand why you need to hide it, given your social status and all. It seems that you have just recently started facing your problem, so I suggest giving it more time. I think the biggest obstacle is your parents. You don't want them to know at all cost, and hiding it from them while being out is just not possible, but sooner or later, you'll have to come out to them. Breaking it to them sooner would be less painful for all of you, so doit when you are comfortable with yourself. In some cases, the opinions of a person change when their loved one is involved. That is all I can give now. I can only wish you the best.

One question though, what will you do about your beliefs? Does the fact that you are gay change anything?

 

Thank you Amicus and Night Rain for your thoughtful replies. I certainly was not expecting such well-composed advice so quickly. I'll have to do some serious thinking about this. Maybe I can muster up some courage to talk with two of my work-friends who are gay men in a committed relationship. You know, maybe not tell them that I'm gay, but pump them for some information. That type of thing.

Night Rain asked about my beliefs. I'm not sure which ones you mean. If you're talking about the Christian ones, I'm not really worried about that. There are lots of people who say that the Bible isn't necessarily against homosexuals. There are those who say it's "Adam and Eve NOT Adam and Steve," but the Bible says lots of stuff that we don't do anymore, like condoning slavery. Some parts of the Bible are meant to be taken for metaphorical value and some parts are meant to see the "take-home message." Everyone knows this. Plus, everyone agrees that loving one another in meaningful relationships (not just lustful flings) is encouraged throughout the Bible. In addition to that, I mentioned before that trying to stop masturbating should have theoretically increased my closeness to God. In my case, doing that started my nighttime emissions revolving around naked men. So, it looks like getting closer to God showed me that I'm hot for dudes. So, I'm fine with the Christian business. I don't intend to become a raging, lustful person. It's not my nature. But, I feel like I need some resolution (with another person).

As far as the parents are concerned, I absolutely know 100% that both Mom and Dad would never be OK with me being gay. Never. It's practically a given that some anti-gay remark will be made anytime anyone brings up the subject (such as on TV). The only variable is to guess which remark (or remarks) it will be. That's the problem, and I can't think of any solution except that hardest one...