Hullo! I've been meaning to write this post for a while, but have delayed - because I want advice, I suspect the answer, & I don't want to know it. But I might as well take the plunge, grab the bull by the horns, screw my courage to the sticking point, & indulge in a riot of mixed metaphors. (This is called talking piffle. Recommended as an excellent way of getting away from the point. I'll do my best, however, to make my post cogent & coherent - I can't promise concise.) I'm 29, & I'm trying to work out who I am, what I want from life, and what I should do for a career. Having a third-life crisis, in fact. The crux is this: I think I'm gay. (There; said it; deep breath. And note how I buried it in the middle of a paragraph.) Either that, or I'm suffering from a deeply rooted psychological trauma. Now hark while I a tale unfold which will make your hair stand on end, like quills upon the fretful porpentine. I've wondered whether I was gay since I was 13, but have tried to ignore it as much as possible. I began my teen years with a major upheaval: moving continents and cultures, from Europe to my native country, where I emphatically didn't want to be. I was gifted and bad at sports, bullied at school (anarchic government co-ed, then a conservative boys' private school), had few friends, and little social life or involvement in cocurricular activities. The upshot was that I changed from a very extroverted child (happiest at the centre of attention, bursting with ideas, interested in everything) into a socially isolated teenager. At the age of 17, my outlook on life was one of Swiftian sardonicism and loathing for the human race, combined with a moroseness and puritanical resentment which made Tiberius seem the life and soul of the party. (Astonished to discover at a school reunion that people remembered me as dynamic and friendly.) Dealing with sexuality was not something I wished to do; best to ignore the matter altogether. I effectively went through puberty without going through adolescence; my body developed, but I repressed my libido. I didn't use porn; and, although I have a powerful imagination, didn't fantasise. (I'm thinking of that good-looking, confident, friendly guy in class? No, don't want to go there.) I completely shut off my emotions, and took refuge in books. And so I left school without any idea of who I was or what I was good at, and with an interesting collection of neuroses. In the decade since leaving school, I spent my undergrad period as a hikikomori, suffering from social anxiety and panic attacks; and the following years working meaningless contract jobs; unemployed; suffering (psychosomatic) chronic fatigue; and earning a post-grad degree I'm not going to use. I'm (psychologically, although not socially) an extrovert, enthusiastic and gregarious, cheerful & optimistic, want to be something and someone - and I'm stuck in a rut, suffering from apathy and accidie, living the wrong life. (Gad, that sounds self-pitying! Insert cries of woe and doom here.) I think the root of the problem is that I've never confronted my sexuality, &, if I want my life to improve, I can't keep on ignoring it. Things came to a head in July, when I woke up in the middle of the night, having a full-blown panic attack. I'd dreamt that I'd come out on Facebook as gay. I thought to myself: "Well, self," I said, "what if you are gay?" And felt exhilarated, as though a weight had been lifted. If I've spent years repressing my true nature, it explains why I've been going round in circles and neither participating nor progressing in life. Or is this an attempt to rationalise, to convince myself that I'm gay as an explanation for why my life has gone to the dogs? Can the inferiority complex that comes from a mild physical disability and comparing myself unfavourably to others, and no romantic involvement with girls, have led me into the belief that I'm gay? Am I avoiding relationships with women, due to a fear of intimacy? Have I just not met the right girl? Right, let's look at the evidence. Attitude to women I have plenty of friends and mentors who are women. I can tell whether a woman is beautiful, although it's elegance rather than "sexiness". I notice faces far more than bodies; indeed, I'm not very interested in pictures of naked women. This may be due to an aversion to pornography, which I've generally considered sordid and shameful. Was shocked as a 12 year old by a friend showing me his porn stash (although I hadn't even begun masturbating then). Had a squick reaction to the idea of cunnilingus (a friend said he'd get me a turkey baster if I got married). Bought a couple of (straight) porn mags when I was 26, and then spent an hour googling obsessive fear of the pudenda. Girls have breasts, and that's fine, but I don't really notice them. If anything, they look faintly comical, like gigantic eyeballs clamped to the torso, and remind me of Magritte's Le viol. * Flashback to Germany. It's nearly 20 years ago now, at a hotel, and I'm ten, although you're free to to imagine it as a film noir set in a Berlin nightclub in the '30s, with Lotte Lenya onstage and Kurt Weill at the piano, and the air thick with cigarette smoke and broken dreams. I get a note: 'Ortrud wants to go out with you'. The dame's bold and hard as nails. The delivery guy is one of her goons. Five minutes later, he comes back: 'Beat it, pal; you're a washout, yesterday's news, dumped'. Now comes one of the set pieces of the evening; a play based on the Trojan Wars, written and directed by, and starring, me. I play Paris, l'homme à la pomme. And I have to give the golden apple ("to the fairest") to Aphrodite. Ortrud's playing either Hera or Athene. I'm feeling damned uncomfortable (which she's highly amused by) - thenceforward I'm embarrassed whenever I talk to her or look in her direction. Is this a childhood trauma that has given me a sexual fear of women? (Jung would have loved it: archetypes in action!) * A few crushes on girls up to Year 8, but also on other boys, enjoyed wrestling (preferably in underwear), and got into trouble for drawing pictures of naked Greek gods. * 8th grade: Uncomfortable with the questions "Is that girl hot?" and "Who do you like?" Fine to spend the afternoon talking with a girl. She asks me to dance that evening - watch me jump out the window. A few months later, another girl wants me to go to the movies with her; I politely refuse. * 9th-12th grade: all boys' school; no contact with girls. * Skip forward 6 years. I'm in a play (mixing with people my age), get on well with a girl - we have friends in common, and she keeps suggesting that we should grab coffee together (which I think is her making a move). Feel I've been kicked in the solar plexus when it turns out she has a boyfriend. * Earlier this year, I see a play with a friend - but am relived that (according to her Facebook page) she's in a relationship in her home country, so this isn't a date. (My relief could also be due to inexperience.) Attitude to guys I notice guys more than girls, and can be acutely conscious of their presence even when there are girls around (e.g., at cafés or the gym). However, I went to a boys' school, and most of my friends are male, so this could be what I'm used to. (Yes, keep telling myself that!) I can be tongue-tied and awkward around handsome guys; a few times, I've gone from being my usual energetic, talkative self to a dumb mute. I've had crushes on guys (all of the clean-limbed, intelligent, good-natured type - genuinely nice fellows). At school, I found myself sitting in class thinking about how handsome A was, and dreaming of him (non-sexually), after which I found it difficult to make eye contact with him, blushing and yammering like an idiot every time he talked to me. Fantasised about kissing B; one of the few times I'd ever fantasised about anyone - very intense. Out with friends; C was changing clothes and stripped to the waist - I couldn't look at him, whereas to the others, it was no big deal. Had dinner with him and his wife recently, and realised that I felt happy around him - he's one of the nicest people I know, and very easy on the eye. So is this a "safe" way of acknowledging to myself that I have feelings for guys, and the sort I like? On the other hand, I have mild cerebral palsy, and don't have a great physique (although I've been told that my face is handsome). So is it admiration for the sort of person I wish to be? All that can be reduced to the following: I'm not attracted to women. I think guys are cute. So the evidence would suggest that I'm gay. (Aaargh, and horror of horrors!) I don't think there's anything wrong with homosexuality per se. I'm cool with guys falling in love, kissing, holding hands, or hugging; it's heart-warming. (So I'm a sentimental romantic at heart? ME?! Stop playing that blasted violin!) However, I'm not comfortable with the idea of my being gay. I've watched gay porn (out of curiosity, I tell myself), and found some of it arousing; at other times, my reaction has been self-disgust. My reaction to seeing a good-looking guy is to panic. I rounded the corner of an aisle in a CD shop a month ago, and inadvertently made eye contact. Spent the next half hour feeling tense. Probable reasons: (1) Belief that it's not socially acceptable to think another chap's attractive (or that he'll find it unacceptable, & I'll find myself without any teeth). (2) Fear that people will think I'm gay. Then went to a café, and found myself thinking that the waiter was cute. That night, I was listening to "We have all the time in the world" (On Her Majesty's Secret Service) when I started sobbing - which is odd, given that I'm not very emotional. Partly this is due to internalised homophobia. School was, like many all male establishments, intensely homophobic; being gay was the worst possible thing one could be. I didn't know of any positive gay role models, or of any non-stereotypically femme gays. It wasn't really until the last couple of years that I've started to socialise more with people my age, and so meet gay people who are confident and well balanced - and I envy their knowing who they are. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
Well you may not get a lot of replies, despite obviously being intelligent, you've over-analyzed this whole issue, your post seems to be one great intellectualization of your issue, in fact, it reads like a Coppola movie proposal xD. As much as I enjoyed reading it, if you want to get more people's interest, you'll have to trim out like 80% of your post and leave behind things that actually relate to your question, without all of the allegory. You seem to be on the right track, it's good to think about things that bother you and figure out why they do, but don't get too caught up in that, like analyzing your reaction to boys vs girls. Think of it like this: A) Are you sexually attracted to boys or girls? B) Are you romantically attracted to boys or girls? C) Are you transitioning from purely sexual attraction to romantic attraction? (I myself started being mostly straight, but with a base sexual attraction to guys, not even for sex, but just the male body) It's really that simple. What's complicated is actually getting over fears if you have them. For me, I never really had to "come out to myself", I was raided in an environment accepting of homosexuality, and until about 4 months ago, considered myself mostly straight with a homosexual leaning. Then I met my current crush and that pretty much changed everything, it was the first time I loved a boy, or anyone, so intensely. However, some people come from backgrounds that either avoided the topic of homosexuality (making it shameful), or actively were homophobic, which of course means a lot of mental barriers to get over. If that is the case for you, you're going to have to do most of the work figuring it out (I can't see your thoughts), bouncing any ideas you have off us here In terms of positive gay role models, they can be hard to come by if you don't know any gay people personally, since the media loves depicting the femme-gay stereotype. From your metaphor-ridden post, I assume you probably like reading, in which case I'd direct you to read the "Farseer Trilogy" and it's sequel trilogy "The Tawney Man Trilogy". They're fantasy novels, but one of the characters, the Fool is a gender-ambiguous (presumably male) bisexual (or more accurately, demisexual). His sexuality is really more prominent in the second trilogy, but you have to read the first to understand it. Despite being a fictional character, he really changed my entire view of homosexuality; before reading those trilogies, I always subconsciously viewed homosexuality as purely that: sex. I just never thought of the emotional side of it, which may sound odd, but sex is all everyone thinks about when they hear "homosexual". So this character, who was very similar to me in that he is sort of a balance of masculine and feminine, was very outspoken about his (one-way) love for the central character, Fitzchivalry. The novels are actually very good, perhaps great, if you're into medieval fantasy, the Fool's sexuality is really of minuscule importance in the story, but still, very influential for me.
I see a lot of myself in your story, Psmith. All boys school, bookishness, periods of extroversion and social isolation, generally being weirded out by attractions and ignoring libido for a long time, acting: all of these would intersect in our Venn diagrams. I don't claim that this makes me some all-knowing expert about your life, but I have come from a somewhat similar background. You seem very self-aware to me Nonetheless, I'll tell you what you already know: you're most likely gay. I think you also know that these attempted rationalizations are all smoke and mirrors. Becoming gay via not meeting/dating the right girl is Just Not How That Works. There's also a major difference between wanting to look like an attractive guy and wanting to wrestle one in his underwear. As I mentioned, I also went to a hyper-macho all boys' school, and my question is if that experience is what made you and me gay, why didn't the same thing happen to everyone else? If they're all secretly gay, I'll be sure to attend my reunion Right now you feel like Tiberius. You don't want to be Tiberius. Tiberius is gloomy and exiles himself and then receives a damning treatment in the historiographical record. I don't want to claim that embracing your sexuality will magically fix all your problems, but I definitely think it will help. Right now you repress your emotions and police your actions. You are wracked with anxiety. You described feeling a weight lifted and exhilaration when you dreamed about coming out. Coming to terms with yourself probably won't get you a job (unless that's how it works?! If so, universe, I'd like to redeem my gay-for-job coupon once I've graduated), but I think it will help with the anxiety and socializing difficulties. So, how can you work on those? Suggestions: (1) Talk to a counselor if you haven't already. Having a sympathetic third party, preferably one specifically trained to work with LGBTQ populations, to air out these concerns with can be immensely helpful. On top of your sexuality concerns, they can also help you manage your anxiety, come up with coping strategies, and help you move past it. If therapists aren't your thing, find a trustworthy friend. We're here to provide all the support we can, but we can't take the place of real people who are involved in your life in the Meat Universe. (2) Embrace the feelings of weirdness/disgust (for a time). You were never consulted when they were handing out sexualities. Being gay comes with all kinds of emotional and social baggage. It's ok to be really upset about that. Take a fixed period of time and give yourself permission to be thoroughly disgusted about it. Scream with rage. Weep into your pillow. Wallow in self-pity. Write long rants on here about how icky icky gross yuck this is. Say to yourself, "I am attracted to men...and I AM TOTALLY NOT OK WITH THAT!" The important thing is to move past the denial stage and accept the truth of being gay, but that doesn't mean you have to be happy about it! (3) Start chipping away at the internalized homophobia. Once that time is up, it's time to push back against that negativity. Be patient with yourself: you are attempting to beat back an idea that has been pushed into your brain since you were born, so it could be a matter of years or even a lifelong process of challenging these thoughts. As you seem like a very literary type, I will second the idea of immersing yourself in LGBTQ literature. Sappho, Proust, Wilde, E.M. Forster, Housman, Whitman, Merle Miller, the list goes on. One of the best (and most depressing) stories against the idea of letting your shame control you for your whole life is James Kirkwood's Good Times/Bad Times. Generally look for ways you can involve more gay people, whether real or fictional, in your life so that it becomes more of a normal thing for you. Don't feel obligated to conform to any particular image of who a gay man is supposed to be: just be you with the knowledge that you are quite enamored of fellow males. It's a long journey, but one very worth making. If it's any consolation given our similar background, I feel more liberated than ever since I've accepted this about myself. It hasn't been a panacea for all my problems, but I am able to feel a sense of peace about who I am. I wish nothing but the same for you (*hug*) Please let us know if we can help in any way.
Guys, Thanks for your advice – lots of good suggestions! And Amicus, it’s reassuring to know others have had similar experiences, & moved to a place where they’re comfortable with themselves. No, I definitely don’t want to be Tiberius! I’d rather be Hadrian (minus the whole lover tragically drowning in the Nile business). The main issue is coming to terms with my sexuality, which is difficult. It seems unreal—I know it objectively (& have probably known but not admitted it since I was 13), but dealing with it emotionally is harder; I’ve got to let myself have emotions, for a start. 4AllEternity, you’re right; I have a bad habit of intellectualising everything. It’s a way of keeping life at bay, and not letting myself be vulnerable. And if I want to live in the real world, then I’m going to have to make myself vulnerable. (Do you know Sondheim’s Company? I’ve been listening to "Being Alive" a lot. And even that’s a reference!) I know that, eventually, I’m going to be out (&, hopefully, proud)—and I’ll be really glad when I am, because I'll be free & not lying to or hiding from myself. At the moment, though: aargh! How do I reach the point where I don’t mind people thinking I’m gay (social anxiety), and where I can think that another guy’s attractive without feeling I’ve committed a thoughtcrime? Am I sexually / romantically attracted to boys or girls? Boys. I’d say that a relationship could be one of the best things to happen; and that I really want a relationship with another guy (someone I can be emotionally close & open with, who’ll accept me, who’ll expand my horizons). Problem is that I’ve spent 16 years not thinking of sex. It’s really only been in the last six months (since the Facebook dream) that I’ve let myself watch gay porn. Even though I want sex, I’m also scared (and, yeah, weirded out and slightly disgusted). At this stage, I don’t feel ready—because I’m not fit & don’t think much of my body (which is an excuse). So there are definite self-esteem issues. I’m moving towns next year, going to a city eight times bigger. (Studying film & TV, with a view to getting into scriptwriting & TV production. Should have done it years ago, if I hadn’t been in survival mode. Dropped Drama at the end of Year 10, which was one of the worst decisions I made.) Starting a new life in a new city will be a great move, psychologically - getting out of the rut I'm in & away from a small town where I've been miserable. I’m going to do improv theatre & join bookclubs & SF societies. I want to join gay social clubs and societies (NOT night clubs or bathhouses), but that also means exposing myself. I’ve still got that feeling that it’s somehow shameful (which I know is stupid). It’s shame not about being attracted to guys (?), but the fear of other people knowing, thinking badly of me and judging me. Involving more gay people in my life & normalising it is a great idea. I have one gay friend, living in another city, but he’s not the best person to talk to; he’s got paranoid schizophrenia. There’s a guy in my archery group I’m friendly with. (Been doing this for a month; five of us go for lunch afterwards; a straight couple, a gay guy, a lesbian girl, and me.) Similar taste in books & music (Cthulhu Christmas Carols!). Coincidentally, he was talking about gay role models in Robin Hobb. (I’ll check her out from the library—thanks!) I’m wondering whether he suspects anything (does gaydar exist?), or whether I should ask him for advice. But I don’t know him well enough, & it also means telling someone who isn’t a close friend. I’ve told a couple of (straight) close friends, who are supportive. Told my parents a few months ago that I thought I might be gay—Dad didn’t bat an eyelid, and wasn’t surprised; Mum was astonished. However, they haven’t brought the subject up again. Their attitude to sex is weird; it was simply never talked about. Both are politically liberal but socially conservative—that is, they’re in favour of gay marriage, &c, but have very strong ideas about how people should behave. Books! I’ve read a lot of Wilde; Saki; Gore Vidal. Noel Coward; Cole Porter; Stephen Sondheim. Mark Gatiss; Stephen Fry; Paul Magrs. Whitman, Melville, Thomas Mann. I read Evelyn Waugh & Rupert Croft-Cooke (arrested in the ‘50s) when I was 15—& picked up the idea that homosexuality meant ostracism, loneliness & misery, & probably going to North Africa to die of alcoholism & TB. (A really positive message!) I’ll see if I can get hold of Kirkwood & Forster; Christopher Isherwood too. Thanks again!
