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Came out to best friend/crush...still confused

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Censored, Dec 9, 2012.

  1. Censored

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    So a couple weeks ago I came out to my best friend who I have known for 15 years and who I also have pretty much been in love with for the past year at least. We have been college roommates for the past 2.5 years.

    A lot of people think he is gay, and have even come up to me joking "how does it feel to be rooming with a gay guy?" Ironically, they've got it backwards. I am out to him and 3 other close friends only. He also does some very questionable things that I just can't believe a straight guy would do...but I don't know. The only way I will ever get over him is if I know I have no chance. But I just don't get that vibe from him. I honestly thought he would come out to me if I came out to him, but he didn't. Maybe I am just farther along? His cousin is gay (not out to anyone, but it is pretty certain) and he says his family would never be ok with that, but he is totally cool with me being gay. Could he just be worried about being rejected? Is there anything I can do, even as a friend, to know he will be accepted even if he is gay?

    Please tell me any stories you might have that involve stuff like this. Did anyone come out to a friend and expect them to come out to you? Or did anyone have someone come out to them and then not come out in return for some reason?

    All I know is that he makes me happier than anyone else and I love him no matter what, even for all the things that everyone else thinks are the annoying parts of him. I want him to be happy even if it means it won't be with me. I don't care about anything else because of this. I go to bed crying to myself all the time, and he is right there in the room with me and has no idea. I know I should just assume it will never happen and move on, but I can't. I can't reject something that feels so right to me.

    Thanks, sorry for the confusing post. I don't really know what I am even asking. I just feel very lonely and lost right now in my life.
     
  2. 4AllEternity

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    Dude, I know exactly what you're feeling. I'm currently crushing (I would say love, since my feelings are exactly as you described yours) on a guy who is out as bisexual, but has been very confusing in his behavior around me (sometimes giving massive go signals, other times being distant). I'm usually the stoic, but there were a few times earlier on where I too broke down. It's the ambiguity, constant confusion that's so draining.

    Too get out of this slump you're in, you have to do roughly the following:

    A) Establish if he's gay or bisexual. I wouldn't just randomly ask him, since usually closeted people, even those that are comfortable with their sexuality in theory, will automatically deny their sexuality when confronted unexpectedly. This is a case where what you should do depends on your gut feeling of the situation. I'd wait for a moment where you feel really comfortable together and you're alone. Then get a conversation about homosexuality started (i.e the news, celebrities, be inventive), and work your way towards a more personal context, then finally just ask. You want him to see the question coming before it does, that way he has time to steel himself and spit the truth out. Since he's comfortable with you being gay, you really don't have much to lose, since I'm sure he'll be kind about it.

    B) If he says he's straight (and you asked him in a situation where there wasn't pressure to deny being gay), you need to get over him. I know, that sounds terrible, but when you say things like "it feels so right"/"he's perfect"'; they're not true. If a romantic relationship was right/he was your soulmate, he'd be gay. Even if he is, but deeply closeted, if talking to you alone wasn't enough to bring him out of his shell, at best it will be a looooooong time before he does, and even then, he might remain closeted forever. Some people even get married before realizing.

    C) If He is gay/bisexual, first find somewhere private and just scream "YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS" xD. Now seriously, this is where you've got to evaluate whether or not he already likes you. If he thinks of you as "just a friend", well you're going to have to work to break that image. It's difficult to go from the hellish friend-zone to being a potential partner, usually the best course of action is to change your image, and be a tad more sexual around them (nothing offensive, but just to remind them that you are indeed a sexual being).

    D) If he is giving good signals, again, you have to use your intuition to determine the best action. In some cases, simply asking the guy out works (it's usually best not to phrase it as a date literally, rather just hang out but be a little more intimate than you would with other guys, like lots of affectionate touches, things like that). In others, you have to do a dance of subtle flirting before you can move on.


    If it turns out that he's straight, you've got to accept that. It will destroy you if you let him rule your heart like this, since who knows how long, if ever, it would take for him to come out if you believe he is closeted. That doesn't mean you have to kill the friendship, in fact I'd advise you don't throw it away. What you would need though, is some time to let yourself cool down. Time to be upset and work the pain out of yourself before being able to accept the loss of the fantasy that you built around him. After that, just be friends, maybe you'll find someone else. It's almost impossible to imagine loving anyone else while you're in love, but you have to believe that you will eventually. That's irrelevant though. What you've got to accept is that if he's not gay/deeply closeted, he's not your soulmate. If you allow someone so fundamentally different to be a soulmate, then you could pretty much call anyone a soulmate.
     
  3. EarthBound

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    Hi Censored!

    I can definitely relate to you on some level. In high school I fell hard for one of my best friends starting sophomore year. I knew he had a girlfriend but there was a feeling inside of me that he felt something more than a friendship towards me. The summer after my senior year I ended up coming out to him and mentioning that I liked him. He responded that he didn't care about my sexuality and I was still one of his close friends. I tried pressing the issue on a few occasions, but it usually ended up turning the conversation sour. I felt really conflicted because I felt really strongly towards him and I thought he harbored feelings towards me as well. To make matters worse, I found out he had been hooking up with a mutual friend (who's a guy) for the past 3 years and even this mutual friend said he though my friend liked me after observing us interact in class.

    Like you, I wanted nothing more than to see him happy even if it meant he was with someone else. It really tore me up on the inside; however, I eventually realized I had to move on or it would end up consuming my life and bring me down. It took me awhile but over the summer I ended up moving on. Fast forward to the present and we are still good friends. I think he will always be someone I deeply care about, but I have managed to separate the romantic feelings towards him. Given his history with our mutual friend and other stuff I do not know if he is extremely closeted, gay, bi, likes to fool around, etc. But I do not feel it is for me to press upon him something which he is clearly not ready to discuss or for which he does not believe any discussion exists. I believe he has to discover who he is on his own accord (perhaps you had your own journey of self-discovery?).

    I agree with what 4AllEternity said, you have to accept the outcome and be willing to move on or it will start to destroy you. I know it is hard especially when you think you've found the perfect match; I felt the same way towards my friend. It was extremely difficult for me, but I am in a far better place now (mentally and emotionally). The road may be a bit rough, but you are not alone.
     
  4. Censored

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    Thanks guys, your stories really helped. Reading them, I can completely empathize with the way you feel. The reason it is so difficult for me to establish if he is straight or not is because he does things like rub my like (briefly, but he did this even after I came out to him and said "just kidding") or play "Give me the green light" on his laptop and then sing this part to me: "Give me the green light, Give me just one night, I'm ready to go right now, I'm ready to go right now" (really awkwardly too, he just stood there and stared at me and sang it.).

    I just don't know if he is trying to tell me something without telling me directly (in which case whether he liked me or not I would want to help because I know how difficult it is to go through accepting your sexuality) or if he is just messing around.

    Anyway, thanks for the stories. They really do help, and remind me I'm not alone in what I'm going through.
     
  5. 4AllEternity

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    Dude my crush is exactly the same. I've spent months trying to wait for him to be clear about his feelings, but he just won't do it. So I've resolved to tell him in a letter on his birthday, in a "no pressure, we can still be friends" kind of way. If you're sure you're sending him go-go-go signals in return, and he still doesn't take the initiative, it's up to you to settle things. I would honestly just figure out a time in advance where you could both be alone, and comfortable, like hanging out at your or his place (with no parents in the vicinity :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:), and just tell him in a gentle way how you feel. I'd reccomend against revealing your feelings by asking him out, it's better to just explain how you feel. If he feels the same, or is willing to explore possibilities with you, there's no reason why he would hide that. If my crush told me he liked me, I would tell him in an instant, heck there are times when I almost just blurt it out, and I have to tell myself "just hold on a little longer".

    One thing I want to caution you about, and I hate to even say it, but there is a possibility that his image of you is still female. That's not to say that if you tell him you're trans he'll be repulsed or break everything off, but I highly reccomend that you make your gender clear to him. You do not want to get into a relationship with him where he thinks of you as a girl. If this is the case, don't despair, for he might still be alright with it. Like how I explained my attraction to boys, it really has nothing to do with physical gender, I just like being with them. I feel more comfortable around a guy than I do a girl, and I just like average masculine personality. He may feel the same. Either way, I highly reccomend you don't just sit and wait for him to do things, I waited too long to start taking action, and all of that time was just an emotional hell of "HE LIKES ME"/"No he doesn't :frowning2:" You've got to settle things and either move on, or get in a relationship.
     
  6. Rin

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    hi

    I am going through pretty much the same thing as you. I've been in love with my female friend (who everybody thinks is a lesbian but is just transgendered, she still likes men) for two and a half years.

    I told her I liked her about two years ago. Since then, it's been worse for me, if anything. Never talking about it kills me, since she is my closest friend, and also it can lead to some awkward situations. When I finally did talk to her about it, she admitted that it made her uncomfortable with physical contact with me and also she understood when I told her I loved her in other languages (-__- well, that was a derp on my part).

    She's very clear that she will never have feelings for me back, but I find that I cannot give up on her. I've begun to obsess over her to a creepy extent - copying pasting and saving facebook chats and when she throws away drawings i fish them out of the bin. I find myself creepy, but I can't stop. I seriously need to get over her, but I really can't.

    So yeah, you're not alone...
     
  7. Censored

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    Sorry you are going through this too. Let me know how everything goes. What do you mean his image of me is still female? I'm not trans or anything. I don't think I can tell him how I feel. The risk that we will no longer be friends is too great. The only reason I came out to him at all was because another friend of mine already had and they were still friends like always.