Bi-confused

I'm a 50 year-old guy who is very bi-confused, and have been so for more than 15 years. I have scoured the internet for years for articles and other information on my particular confusion, but unsuccessfully. Perhaps some people in this community can help please.

I have always been attracted to women but have struck out time and again with them in the romance and sex department, and as time has gone on, I have become less and less self-confidant, which of course repels women. I lost my virginity at 27 !! with the one and only girlfriend in my life, who I was with on and off between 1990-1995. Soon thereafter I began fantasizing about men. For 15 years I have consumed gay internet porn, my desires boiling over many times to guide me to arcades, theatres, bath houses, and even gay sex clubs, always hoping for more but only ending up with anonymous oral sex with other men. The problem is that, with only two exceptions, each encounter with a man, or even multiple men, has not only never lived up to my fantasies and expectations, but was not even a little enjoyable. I felt no passion and zero attraction at the chemical level. Do you know what I mean?

With a woman, whether it was with the only woman I've slept with, or the women I've dated (never leading to sex though), or in lap dances with strippers, or just at work, on the street or at social gatherings, I feel chemistry with women; I feel that my attraction to them is a chemical thing--deep, at gut level. But not only do I never feel that with a man in any casual situation (outside of my fantasies), but I don't feel it even when I'm having sex with a guy. I want to feel it--so badly! It just isn't there, time after time. And I have never had the desire, in the situation, to have any kind of anal sex with someone. And I have never felt any passion when kissing a man.

But I continue to fantasize about not only men's bodies, genitalia and engaging in oral sex with them, but also enjoying anal sex with them, and even being in loving, boyfriend-type relationships with them. I want to connect with another person, be intimate with them, give and receive pleasure, love them, and be loved, and even though a big part of me wants it to be with a woman, I think it would be really cool if it was another guy instead. Deep down, it doesn't really matter whether it's a woman or man. At least I don't think it does to me.

Thinking that my problem is perhaps due to the impersonal nature of these anonymous encounters, I've joined many gay/bi dating [not my link] & hookup sites over the last 8 or so years. I can analyze and report on the details later if needed, but for one reason or another, I have unfortunately never met anyone through these sites. Now, because of my confusion, I'm just scared to proceed with further attempts.

I did have one non-anonymous hookup with a guy once a few years ago. We met in the showers at a YMCA, discreetly showed off our erections in the steam room, had dinner together at a restaurant across the street, and ended up at my place. But because he had a boyfriend, he wouldn't allow us to take our underpants off and do anything. We just hugged and snuggled in bed with our underpants on. But I felt nothing. I felt no attraction: visually, even though he was really hot; by touch, even though we rubbed our bodies together; or via any other senses. He enjoyed it a lot, but I didn't, to my dismay. Perhaps it would have been different if we got completely naked. I don't know.

Sometimes I think I'm just a heterosexual guy with a penis fixation. But I fixate on other male body parts and fantasize so much about having all kinds of sex and romance with men. So I don't think that's just a penis fixation. It's like I'm not straight, not gay, not even bi. You couldn't call me bi-curious anymore, not with 30 or 40 oral encounters with men. The only thing that still fits for me seems to be bi-confused. And that's not where I want to be.

And then there are the two occasions in which I did feel passion with the guy I was with. Like all my encounters, these two were anonymous and with strangers. One was with a guy in a private bathhouse room, and I remember really enjoying 69ing with him. The other was standing in a tiny phone-booth sized enclosure at a gay sex club in a far away city. We started clothed, but soon our pants were around our ankles as we took turns fellating each other. The oral sex became more and more passionate as time went on, and in longer and longer intervals, over almost two hours. I felt supercharged and able to prevent my orgasm, seemingly indefinitely. I immensely enjoyed giving and receiving the oral pleasures. He finally came on my face and I went crazy with lust, rubbing him and his semen all over my face with a fierce hunger. I have never before--or since (unfortunately)--experienced such desire with another guy. By the way, no matter how hard we both tried, I was unable to orgasm with him--for the first and only time in my life. I was sorry to not be able to give that to him.

If it weren't for these two encounters I wouldn't be so confused. But these brief, albeit anonymous, relationships tell me that I can connect with another guy, at least at a sexual level. But they both occurred almost 10 years ago, and I have been unable to replicate, in even a small way, the desire I felt. But my gay fantasies continue. In fact, I mostly masturbate to gay porn and fantasies. In my head, I have no problem with being gay, and even out, though coming out does terrify me. But mostly my issue is with my confusion about my sexuality. I have pretty well given up on the idea of ever being with a woman again. It just doesn't seem to be in the cards, though my greatest wish since I first fell in love at the age of 8 (she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen) was to be in a life-long intimate relationship with a female. That wish is still there, though I'm no longer expecting it or pursuing it. I haven't given up on the guy thing, though, mostly because my fantasies continue to be so strong regarding men. But I wish I can get it out of my head. I don't mean to stop the fantasies. Rather, I want to bring the fantasies into reality. But my body just doesn't seem to want it.

The frustration and loneliness is almost unbearable. :help:

 

Thanks everyone for your input.

localfwbguy: I guess we both need to work on our inadequate feelings. It's not just a straight/gay/bi thing for us, we've got issues that have nothing to do with that (heck, who doesn't?). Good for you that you are in an awesome relationship. That makes the other stuff easier to work on. Or relieves some of the pain, anyway.

Chrissouth53: That's the key, isn't it? There is no "have to". I don't even have to be with anyone, man or woman. I'll continuing searching for whatever is my comfortable.

Neutrality: I think I kind of need a 3-dimensional kinsey scale. I've never been able to find myself on the flat one, lol.

PinkLover: I'm not really looking for a 50/50 split, or assigning any number to myself. I'm just trying to figure out what I like and don't like. But you remind me of something I've been considering. Sorry if this is getting a little too personal or offensive: I've been wondering if there is another sex (gender) that is more for me. I think, in a way, that transgender people are a third sex, or represent many different sexes that are neither male nor female, but their individual own sexes. I have never been with a transgender person, so this is only speculation, but I wonder if I'm most compatible with a pre-operative MtF--that someone who is a woman with male genitalia is what I would be happiest with. In fact, since it's at the chemical level that my struggle is with, and the body is secondary anyway compared with the emotional/romantic/etc., perhaps pre-op/post-op is not even important. I don't know. I guess there is only one way to find out: keep dating all sorts of different people, including transgendered.

PeteNJ: Working on these deep, personal issues can really be numbing, I know, dude. Have you discussed these feelings with your GF? Sometimes you luck out with a partner that can be quite understanding and helpful. Good luck with your therapist appointment.

I guess the bottom line is, it is possible for clarity, acceptance and happiness at the end of the struggle.