I know I can never come out to my family, namely my mom and step-dad. We have a terribly visceral relationship, but it isn't their personal issue with the fact that I am gay if I were to tell them that bothers me, but moreover what they would DO. My parents are beyond openly homophobic, I don't even know what to call them, because they *hate* gay people. They say things like, "that's so stupid, and by stupid I mean gay" all the time, they laugh about it, make terrible crude jokes at any homosexual's expense, announce how all gays are damned to hell etc, etc. I know I can't change them, I've accepted it, but because of our terrible relationship, I know that I would be severely punished if I ever told them I was gay. They like to do things they know will hurt me. For example, in September I told my mom I had been raped very recently, and she didn't say a word or make a move to hug me or anything. In fact the only thing she said was later and it was, "if you were drinking you had it coming, and I'm ashamed of you." Then the next day said that she doesn't want me around her (other) kids anymore because I'm terrible and she doesn't want my influence to be on them. I fought her tooth and nail on this because I have all but raised my siblings, there are 5 of them and they range in age from 2-9, and they are my world. I won this battle, but I know in my heart if I were to tell her I was a lesbian she would never let me see the kids again. I don't care that she would personally be disgusted by me, and wish me to hell and disown me, but losing the relationship I have with my siblings would be too much. I feel like I could just wait until they're all over 18 to say anything, but I can't possibly live like this, feeling inferior and ashamed and like I have this huge secret weighing me down for the next 16 years... I can't. But I also know that all the kids would be kept from me 100% until they were 18 and could make their own decisions on what to believe-- however, if she funnels hate toward me to them (which she will-- 100% guaranteed) until they are 18, I feel like they would have it so ingrained in their minds that I am terrible they'd never want a relationship with me at that point. I just feel hopeless and as if I absolutely cannot win no matter what I do.
I would distance yourself as much as possible from their hate and homophobia. It's harmful to you to be around that. I know you care for your siblings, and you still need to be a presence in their lives, but for your safety, you need to get out from under that situation. Do you live with them still?
I do still live with them, which is the biggest issue. I have until May that I have to be living there, and then I'm off to get my Masters Degree, at which point I'll move out, but until then considering the financial situation I'm in I have to remain under their roof-- and sadly ultimately their control. I'm worried how to just maintain my like, mental health to some degree when it comes to living there, as more and more people are finding out that I'm gay, I am finding myself just walking around tense and fearful all the time that someone is going to say something and somehow word will get back to my family. Doesn't seem right to me that any person should be in this much fear of another set of individuals, but namely a family member. Myself or anyone else shouldn't literally have to question their safety in this country simply because they're gay-- and unfortunately that's where I (and far too many others that I've come across) are at. At a real loss for what to do, or what to do until May when I can feel somewhat safer.
