New here, and still questioning. Getting pretty painful.

Hi, this is my first post. I am a 23 year old guy and I have lately become so obsessed with my sexuality, I believe it has become OCD or at least borderline. Smart phones are the worst, I am constantly googling and obsessing about my sexuality and have been seeking constant reassurance. Basically, I am questioning everything and it is really starting to hurt a lot, and take over my life. I suppose I.always felt straight, until actually this past year. Now, it may have been.denial or juat really didn't matter much because I was dealing with more pressing issues. I always had crushes on girls, even as a little kid. I always wanted a girlfriend but had super low self esteem issues. Well I developed a heretic identity naturally I didn't feel forced or anything or persecuted and felt ok around guys my age talking about hot girls because I knew they were hot or not and sex, etc. Well I had a friend when we were like 11 and we found his dads porn and jerked off together. It was then I felt very insecure about myself and my penis, he had pubes already and his penis was much larger. It kinda messed me up, and.the thought of a girl seeing it terrified me. Well I still developed crushes on girls but felt like they never took me seriously, like I was the nice guy, and the insecurity I had with my genitals. Well, at the age of 12 I basically began to drink and use drugs. I became an alcoholic and drug addict and needless to say did not date much. I did have a bad case of father hunger though, looked up to older men and found myself having sexual fantasies about older men. I still.had a heterosexual.identity and didn't worry about it. Well getting to it, I had a few experiences with these older men. The fantasy was much better than.the real deal. I found myself feeling repulsed by the deed, with a strong desire not to do it again. But I did several more times, I sought out older married "straight" and curious males. I didn't want a gay guy to develop feelings and be hurt because I didnt have any intention of being more than a safe nsa encounter. Well I sobered up through a 12 step program at 20, and with 18 months sober I met the most amazing girl. She was my age with over a year sober as well! We began dating, and we began having sex. I had slept with only one other girl and was drunk whenever we had sex. My new girl and I had sex a lot! I loved it, I was having sex with a beautiful girl, I was sober. And finally feeling normal. We moved in together and have been together nearly 2 years. I love her and she loves me, we are so comparable but I still was having some fantasies about older guys and I posted an.ad.on Craigslist which she found. I thought we were done, we were both devastated! I hit my knees and prayed for God not to take her from my life, I would do whatever it took to keep her. She forgave me, and has since acccepted that about me. I shared my fears of being bi/gay and she said her feelings had not changed. I felt so much love and emotion I cried. I am so lucky. I ended up meeting another old married guy and had another encounter. The guilt was awful, I had so much regret. Why did i do it? Why was I risking my relationship with my girl whom.I felt tremendous love for. I have since not acted out. But i guess where I'm at is, am.I gay? Will I ultimately always hurt her? Maybe I am just to messed up to be in a LTR with. Maybe I am not straight enough to be with a woman. The awful thing is, I can't see myself devoping emotions and love for one of the old married guys I was seeking and honestly, only old men fit my fantasy. I only have platonic feelings for 99% of men, and maybe 1% I get aroused. This guilt and confusion has killed my drive, its almost like i feel sex is so.dirty and I shouldnt do.something so.dirty to the woman I love. We have very intimate love making sessions about twice a month that i love when I can.get.out of my head! Today is my 3 year anniversary in recovery and i still feel very bad about myself. I wonder, am.i being selfish? Making my girl be with me, am.I gay? Will i fall in love with a guy someday? Can I ever figure out my sexuality? I am afraid of losing her and also afraid of selfishly keeping her if I will not be a good man for her. I feel fucked up, maybe its my disease. Thanks for reading, just helps to write and see all my sickness out in black and white. Thank yall, God bless.

 

Hi, thank you for your reply, you had a lot of good stuff to share. I guess I have just become ashamed of that part of me and honestlt think I am giving it much more power over me than I should. I think that my mind has just kind of become obsessed about this deal because I have always had a tendency to see the negative in things right off the bat. An example would be worrying and analyzing about why I have a particular fantasy/attraction to males and what that means for my life. I will be forever in the dark and suffering! Yes, I can get over the top LOL. I'll get stuck focusing on that and basically forget about lots of good in my life, including my relationship with someone whom I love and who loves me. It can be hard for me to see "the beauty of the forest because I'm stuck looking at a few ugly trees". I learned that saying in the program. A lot rings true, I actually feel ok right now. I was feeling so scared that i was going to have to "martyr" myself and cut off a relationship that i really enjoy because I have alternative tastes. I have made mistakes and like you said, learn! I have been faithful for the better part of the year and I look for signs of "slips" now. I have takes to my girl about my potential bisexuality and she loves me just the same. She always tells me she ia fufilled but I guess I have a hard time believing someone could be happy with me. I still have a mind that wanta to kill me, and I work.on it. Thanks again, it helped me out.

 

Hi, thanks again for your reply. You know this is kind of a rough time in my life. I have to admit that I spend about 90% of the day questioning myself and wondering if I'm doing the right thing, questioning myself, googling and seeking reassurance. I have been feeling really guilty for being with my girlfriend lately. I think all the negative thinking is kinda killing my positive outlook on life and all the good in it. I love my girlfriend, we have been together nearly 2 years and I love being with her. It just really sucks that I am also attracted to some men and I fear that what if I am.just totally gay and in denial about it. I mean I love my girl, and do not want to lose her but I feel sometimes like I should break up with her because she deserves a "normal" man. I mean, I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone else, male or female and I have no romantic interest in men or any desire to be in a "loving emotional" relationship with a man. I don't even think my mind works that way. Ive never had a fuzzy crush feeling on a guy, but i can tell if he is ot isnt attractive to me. I do not even want to have any gay encounters either. I guess i picture myself either with my gf or single and celibate. I just worry that I am wasting her time, thay I am not the marrying type or that we will have sexual problems. Our sex life has dwendled. Mostly due to me being so uncomfortable in my skin. It's hard to constantly worry about whether your gay, bi, in denial, abnormal, unworthy, being selfish, fearing the future, etc and then just get to sexual fun. I usually just want to cuddle and go to sleep! It's so exhausting, I just crave the reassurance that its ok and we are in love. Honestly I really wish I didn't have to worry anymore, I have read alot about HOCD and i often run into those pages when I'm on my googling kicks. I obsess constantly... I'm afraid I'm in a no where's land between gay and straight. My current relationship is so good accept for my constant worrying about the sex aspect and what I am... The thought of being bi hives me some comfort "like ok I'm bi, doesn't mean I have to act on gay thoughts or have to be in a gay relationship or live a gay lifestyle". Then I feel like "I'm just unfortunately gay and will just be alone. Then I feel straight again and the cycle just repeats. This was a rant I know, honestly just typing away my crazy thoughts brings some relief to my anxiety. Thanks! God bless! Don't forget the beauty of the forrest because of those few ugly ass trees!!