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Cutting Ties to My Mother

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Jonimarie, Dec 10, 2012.

  1. Jonimarie

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    Hi everyone. I guess you can tell what I need advice on based on my title. I need to explain a little bit.

    My mother is a really fucked up person to say the least. Let me summarize this for you a little bit. My mom is in her 50's and since she was in her teens, she was an alcoholic. She suffered a childhood of sexual abuse, and her 1st marriage (at 17yrs old) ended after a few months, because her husband would beat her.

    She met my dad in her early twenties, and (according to her) used him, because she just wanted a baby. *Yay me*. Anyway, she married my father and helped raised my older brother (older by 4 years) because his real mom died shortly after child birth. Anyway, my mom and dad seperated when I was under 2 years old, and divorced when I was 6. Now my dad never wanted kids, but he had another wife in mind, one that had money and she wasn't about to let him leave his kids with some alcoholic ... so dear old dad, denies that I am his and takes my brother and new wife and flees to Puerto Rice and disappeared.

    Now, I didn't see my brother again until I found him (through the miracle that is facebook) 4 years ago. And he is just as fucked up as I am. HAHA

    After the divorce, we went and moved in with grandma and my younger uncle (mom's baby brother - who was also sexual abused growning up) Grandma's beliefs were secrets were keep in the family. And girls are dirty and boys are the only ones worth anything in life.

    Let's just say that the next 7 years were filled many nights of an absent mother and when she was home she was usually drunk or high. And for 7 years my uncle decided to pass on to me what he had learned in his childhood years. I won't go into details, but you get the drift.

    Anyway at 13yrs old, we finally got our own place, mom and I. And I spent the next couple of year cooking for her, cleaning up her vomit and empty bottles and taking care of the apartment. So as soon as I turned 18, I moved out and ended up in another bad situation. (another story or another time)

    Anyway - current day and time, we now share a house together - bad situations on both or ends pushed us back together. Altough I am moving out of state in about one year. She has been sober a year, but she has become extremely hard to live with. She is on meds now and that doesn't help.

    Since reconnecting with my brother, he has helped me remember a lot more of the motherly horror stories, that I have come to realize I blocked out. And they are bad!

    There is so much more to this story. But basically I really want to cut ties with my mom. I feel nothing for her, and she stopped being my mother a long long time ago. She is nothing put poisoning my sanity and I cannot continue this way. She hurt me so much and she was never there for me. I feel it is too late to fix things, I am 32 years old and my mom will never change. Her situation may be different, but she is still the same bitter person inside. And I cannot have that in my life, since I have so much healing myself I need to do.

    Everyone says "she's your mom" "you only get one". But I keep thinking, so what?!

    Am I crazy? Does this make me a bitch?

    Sorry for rambling. Just needed to get that out, and needed some advice.
     
  2. CatofOld

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    I think this forum was built for rambles.

    I for one don't think your crazy or a bitch, yeah we only get one mother...but she only had one daughter and she choose how she acted towards you the only thing you can do is choose how you act towards her. You are 32 you need to a build a life for yourself, one that is bigger then the pain of your past.

    The advice I will give you is the advice I give all adults with crappy parents, leave if that feels right but don't burn bridges. You may not love her today, in fact you may flat out hate her, but there may come a day when you want/need her. If that day comes you will be happy that you didn't leave a mess behind you.
     
    #2 CatofOld, Dec 10, 2012
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2012
  3. MixedNutz

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    I don't feel your a bitch at all.

    You do only get one mother, but you are simply reacting to what you've been dealt.

    At some point in a persons life they sometimes need to separate themselves from what's continually hurting them. I agree with the comment above, you need to build a life that will over shadow all the crap you've been through. If that means cutting ties with your mother, do it.

    Things may not change in the future for your mother, but there is always a possibility. Meanwhile start a life apart from the one that caused you distress.

    Good luck.
     
  4. Bree

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    You are under no obligation to stay close to someone who had never been a parent to you. It will be painful to cut her out, but if that`s what you need to do then do it. I've watched my foster-sister cut off contact with her mother--it's been brutal, sometimes she cries about it, but she also recognises that the woman has done nothing but hurt her and reject her over and over, and will continue to do it, and that it's time to move on.
     
  5. WilliamM

    WilliamM Guest

    In a situation like that i cut almost all ties but one day i would try to connect back to her but thats just me i have a really hard time cutting ties with some one if they are family unless it was a situation like this i truely hate people that are like that. My parents divorced when i was little as well because of a similar situation so i in a way know how you feel but i dont feel as much hatred as you do. Im sorry you had such a bad life growing up but i do believe it made you a good person, a strong person, and a very loyal person(even if i dont know you) good luck in your future :slight_smile:
     
  6. FemCasanova

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    First of all, you have my sympathy and understanding.

    I lost a parent myself, by own choice. That would be my father, who I cut all ties with when I was 18. He was violent towards my mother, and probably had some kind of undiagnosed mental illness.

    To all those who say you only have one mother, s**** them. Sure, it`s harsh, but when it comes down to it, no one should be forced to be around someone who is bad for them. We should never choose who stays and who goes in our lives, based on what other people think. We should keep the people who are good for us around, and those who are bad for us will just have to manage themselves. As much as I applaud being a good daughter, you need to focus on your own health, your own mental stability.

    So, whathever you decide, make sure that the decision is based on what you feel is good for you. How much of her do you want in your life? How much of her is healthy to keep in your life? She gave birth to you, but that was her choice, not yours. At this point, your happiness is in your hands alone, so don`t feel that just because she gave birth to you, you somehow owe her something, because that`s all her own choice and decision. Some people shouldn`t really have children. Some make great parents. That`s the way it is.

    I`ve never regretted cutting ties with my father. It was the right thing to do for me. It might be the right thing for you to do, it might not be. But you`re the only one who can really know that, you know you best. Have you considered moving out, and having only casual and infrequent contact with her? It could be an alternative first, before you cut all ties. Fill your life up with other things. Studies, a job, etc. I don`t know if you`ve got a lot of friends, if you don`t, maybe try to get to know some new people? It`s not as impossible as it might seem sometimes, lol. Fill your life up with things that are NOT your mother, and get a little distance. If that`s enough, maybe you don`t have to cut all ties. If you still feel like never seeing her again after that, then take a look inside. Is that something you need, to be happy? Then I would do it.

    Those are just my opinions though :slight_smile:
     
  7. Jonimarie

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    I don't hate her. I just feel nothing towards her. She become just someone in my life and I don't feel like she is family. When I left when I was 18 it was almost a year before I spoke to her again. We briefly reconnected and we had some sense of a relationship. But it didn't last. I pity her sometimes because I understand she's been through pain. But so have I and I can't imagine not be there for my children. And I think, as a mother, even with her past ... I had no father growing up. It was just us two for so long. How could she not be at least a decent mother. Or at least any kind of mother. I tried to talk to her about it once and her response was "it's in the past ... You need to get over it". I hope day we can have something but I am not holding my breath.

    ---------- Post added 10th Dec 2012 at 09:50 PM ----------

    Thanks everyone!
     
  8. The Queen Bee

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    I agree with this 100%.

    Woman, this is the place to rant, vent and ramble.
    We are here for you. No judgements.

    As for myself, by pure luck of been born within the terms/circunstances/family I was born with, I cannnot say I understand you. I don't. And I never will.
    But I definitely admire the way you're handling things.
    You have all my sympathy and I believe you're doing something that's rather hard to do that needs to be done. Something that people are very judgemental about when they HAVE NO IDEA what it's like.

    I do not believe that sharing someone's genes make them your family... nor I believe that because you live in the same house together it's a home.
    Families are earned. And some people just fail at that.

    Some people are just toxic. P-O-I-S-O-N. They're just not worth it...
    Toxic people should be avoided at all instances.

    Truth is you never know if you'll ever need her help... so, the "no burning bridges" advices makes sense to me. That said, if you feel that she's completely toxic (as she seems to be), well... When you have rotten fruit in your fridge, then you have to throw it to the garbage. At least, I'd do that.

    It's just my opinion. But, you might also want to go to therapy. It'd might help you figure out some stuff. And maybe some books like "Broken", "Child C" might give you some insight in your healing process... Remember that this books might also give you flashbacks, as well.

    Move out and don't look back... Whatever feels right for you.
    And let me tell you something, I am a huge admirer of people like you. People who have been given a bad hand and yet they don't go around spreading it.
    People who make some positive out of something negative by nor trying to make the world a miserable place.

    You have nothing but my admiration and my respect.



    IDK, WilliamM... I don't know anything about your family situation, but it seems to me that JoniMarie took all the heat from her mother... not to say all her crap. So, I'd do the same she did. Not only that but I gotta respect her patience and the fact that she doesn't hate her mother. I doubt I'd be able to do that in her situation.
     
    #8 The Queen Bee, Dec 10, 2012
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2012
  9. cemma

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    I sympathise with this post a lot, I also find myself wanting to cut ties with my mother, she is damaging to my happiness and as a result why do I stay? But it's hard, so hard and I am too frightened to do it. But those who say you've only got one mum blah blah. Well yes for them. But if a friend was that to you would you stay friends with them? I just wan to wish you good luck, I'm short on advice but I wish you well.
     
  10. Jonimarie

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    Ranting again -
    Ugh - so mommy dearest fell of the wagon the night before last. And I am so pissed right now. I am currently in my room, because I really do not want to fight right now since I feel a fight of demonic proportions festering in me.

    When I went to bed on the 29 (sometime around 11:45pm), everything was fine ... but sometime after midnight she got wasted, went into my sons room (which is on the first floor) and had him helping her die her hair, and helping with the laundry and then around 4 am, had my son get dressed so he could go to the store with her. I woke up at 7am to find her in my kitchen making soup out of all the leftovers in my fridge (we have a 2 family house and she has the basement apartment and I have the 2 upper floors - 3 bedroom apartment). She denies most of what happened, she thinks we are all lying about it. And she also $60 out of my wallet, $5 worth of change from my husband change jar and $30 out of my 9 yr old daughters piggy bank. And then 15 mins ago told me she ordered take out and asked if I had $5 to loan her until she can go to the ATM.

    Fuck this - I am looking for another apartment, she can find someone else to rent this place to. Good luck with that. My name is not on this house. She owns it, I just rent from her basically (which I pay 65% of the mortgage and pay all the utilities including the home security system and insurance) She even eats half my damn groceries. And that doesn't even piss me off that much - even though she makes almost as much money and my husband and I combined do (and I have two kids damnit). But the fact that she thinks it's okay to treat me (us) like this and to take advantage of me like this. Why, because your my mother? What? I owe you for giving me life? Because that's all you did for me.