I tend to have a hard time opening up about my relationship with my brother, but things between us have been so rocky lately that I figured I could use some outside advice. My brother has always been a wild kid, constantly chasing a new high in any sense you could imagine. He's five years older than me, and for almost as long as I can remember, our nuclear family has reaped the consequences of his actions almost as much as he has. All this time, I never resented him other than when my parents would take unnecessary action toward me to keep me from going down his path. In fact, all last year I was proud of him because he not only got into a decent university, but he was quite successful as well (despite his penchant for psychedelia). Our family breathed a sigh of relief when we believed that he had finally found a purpose of some sort. But over the summer, he tried meth for the first time since he couldn't get his hands on any psychedelics, and it's been a downward spiral ever since. Though we weren't happy about it, we had learned to deal with his psychedelic kick since it didn't affect his success in school or cause damage to any of his relationships, and he was an adult capable of making his own decisions. But doing meth crossed over the line for me. When he confided in me about it, I freaked out on him, because obviously it's a stupidly dangerous substance. However, he was convinced that he was the exception to the rule, that he could use it recreationally without abusing it. Well, surprise surprise, he's not the exception to the rule, but he still thinks he is even though his use is getting more often. He dropped out of school this semester, and though he says he just needed a break from school to explore himself, this "self exploration" doesn't seem to be letting up anytime soon. We have talked about his addict status several times now, and though I can talk to him about being my orientation and relationship issues with him and he accepts it, he has basically used it as a leverage tool, saying that his "recreational" drug use is a lifestyle like my orientation is. Each time he's tried to use this faulty logic on me, I've tried to correct him, only for the situation to escalate (most recently to physical blows). I'm honestly afraid of what might happen when I go home in a week. Drug use is all he talks about anymore, and I find myself being unable to spend more than an hour with him, but I have a 10-day overseas trip with him and my family. All I can think about when he's around is how he's ruining his life and slowly killing himself, and how it would all turn around if he'd just listen to common sense for once. I realize this is a heavy situation, but I also know that great advice can come from anywhere. If anyone has any input, it would be appreciated.
I have some advice, but it's not pretty. So have to accept you are not responsible for his choices. Yes, if he keeps going down this road he is most likely going to end up dead (I know that sounds harsh, but honestly I have seen the police cart off mean a dead crackhead and tweaker from the lawn. I have lost family to it. It happens, and it sucks.) His death is not your fault, nothing you could have done would have changed it. Nothing you did caused it. Be there for him, love him and enjoy whatever time you have with him. You don't have to bring up the drug thing, and when he does ask to talk about other stuff. The flip side of that is keep yourself safe. When he's high if he's coming after you and you need to lock him out of a room or house do it, your safety should be your number one priority. I am so sorry you are going through this, it's rough.
^ I second everything CatofOld said. It is, not at all, your or your family's fault for his choices. He's an adult. No matter how impaired he is, he realizes at one point or another that his choices have consequences. I'd suggest avoiding getting into arguments with him, particularly if it becomes a battle of your "lifestyle" vs. his. It won't accomplish anything, he won't realize he's wrong, and it'll just stand to make you upset. If it comes down to it, perhaps talk with your parents and collectively agree to dissociate from him if he continues. Let him know of course, but if he chooses drugs over the rest of his life, there's not much more you can do. Over anything else, I'd suggest you and your family look for a Narcotics Anonymous (or some similar) group/meeting in your area. They're not just for the addicts, they're for families/friends too and may prove useful to have insight from addicts themselves or families/friends of them. Like coming out, having a real-life support network is a good resource. And remember, as much as you all want to help him, nobody can help him unless he wants help. For all of your own goods, it probably won't have any benefit to "force" him to do something if he doesn't see any value in it. Hope that he'll reach out for help or realize that he's making stupid choices, and be there to help him when that point comes. (*hug*)
I agree with everything said above. I can relate to you, my sister and brother-in-law are addicts and it got pretty bad last year. We had to take custody of their kids for a few months until my sister got it together. Try to find an Al-Anon meeting near you. It's for families of alcoholics and addicts. They talk a lot about how to keep your loved one's illness from sucking you in and becoming your illness as well. Here's the website where you can search for meetings or find literature: Welcome to Al-Anon See if your parents will go with you. And tell your brother that you refuse to talk to him about his drug lifestyle unless he is ready to ask for help (professional help). Good luck to you.
I would do this: Whenever he starts talking about drugs, let him know in a nice way that you are not comfortable talking about it, because it worries you. Then switch the subject. It doesn`t matter to what, movies, series, politics, music, etc. Just something you know he is interested in that isn`t related to drugs. If you do this every time he tries to discuss drugs with you, he`ll stop doing it. Also, before doing this, or at some point after, if you ever get a quiet moment where there is just the two of you, tell him that you really care about him, but that his drug abuse worry you and that you are afraid he`ll end up dead. Maybe also tell him that you are not judging him, you accept his choices, it`s just scary, because you know what happens with a lot of people who abuse drugs. If he gets angry, don`t get into a verbal fist fight with him. Just say, that`s how you feel. Let him storm off if he wants to. When it comes down to it, the other posters are right, he will never quit because someone tells him to. He`ll never seek help, just because someone tells him to. That has to come from him. He must want it himself, or it`s useless. Maybe one day he will, but unfortunately one often has to reach bottom before one starts wanting to climb back up. At this point it sounds to me like he isn`t near the bottom yet. So, he`ll probably keep it going for a while longer. It sucks, but all we can do is care about them. We can`t fix them. Another thing, it helps if you try to seperate the individual from the problem. Your brother has a problem, he isn`t the problem. If you cannot handle being around him because of his problem, there`s nothing wrong with that! We can`t help someone, if they wreck us. You need to think about you first, then see how much you can handle of him. However, if the two of you get to spend some time around each other, when he is not doing drugs, it could be a good idea to try and see him only as your brother, to have some quality time. We can love our family, and still not want to be near them at all times. Don`t feel bad, like if something is your fault, because it isn`t. His problem is about him, not you. Take care of you first, maybe one day he`ll seek help for his problem and ask for your support. Then you can give him as much as you can, without getting pulled too far down mentally. But for now, there`s nothing you can do, except love him.
One of the problems with meth and nearly every other "hard" drug is that they almost immediately hijack the reason centers in the brain. Your brother honestly believes, as a result of this hijack, that he isn't addicted, he can handle it, and it won't be a problem. And unfortunately, you can't do much to convince him otherwise. No amount of logic will get to him. Most addicts have to "hit bottom" before they will seek help, and because of that, the best thing that you and your family can do is to not enable him.... and that also happens to be the hardest thing to do, because none of you want to see him suffer. I very, very strongly suggest that you and the rest of your family go to Al-Anon, which is the Alcoholics Anonymous program for families of addicts. What most people don't realize is how much the addict damages the entire dynamic of the family, and Al-Anon will help the family understand the codependence that develops in pretty much every family where there's an addict, and how to deal with it. It will also help the family do what it can to encourage getting the addict into treatment, while not being codependent. Unfortunately, meth is one of the more difficult drugs to kick and to stay off of. What you and your family *can* do is set boundaries and consequences for him, but doing so is enormously hard and painful. It is the *only* way the addict can be convinced to get help. For example: -- (If he lives at home) he cannot come home, or be in the house if he is high. -- (If he uses a family car) he cannot use the car if his drug test isn't clean -- He cannot go on the family vacation unless he goes into treatment These have to be consequences that are important to him, and they MUST be enforced strictly, no matter how terrible the weather, how inconvenient the situation, how difficult it will be to enforce them. Addicts are exceptionally manipulative, and will find any heartstring, any argument, any loophole to justify an "exception" to the behavior. The purpose of setting the boundaries is to force him to decide for himself to get help. Also, it is unlikely he can kick this himself; the combination of the history of his drug use indicates there is likely another underlying issue why he's using, and unless that's addressed, he'll just transfer the addiction to another drug. Feel free to PM me if you would like to discuss this more; it's an area I have some knowledge of.
