letter to my mum(ftm). advice?

Okay so I am out to my mum as Ftm transgender. But she is just so unsorrortinve and in disbelive about it. We can't have a conversation without arguing, so I wrote her a letter. So I can acctually explain myself without her giveing excuses or us having am argument. I'm hoping she will be able to think about things and be open minded about it, if I can tell her how I really feel.
Ignore my spelling mistakes, as even spell checker didn't know what I was on about. Its pretty long, detailed and graphic but I couldn't have the courage to show her until I have asked on here first.

To mum,
Its hard for me to write this cause its something I've never been good at and I feel embarrassed and stupid. But I pretty much thing it the best and only option, as discussions never really go how I want them to.

I know when I told you I was transgender, or wanted to be a boy it must have been a big shock and disappointing. But I really feel so uncomfortable in who I am, and I know you would tell me how do I know becoming a boy will make me happy if I haven't done it yet. I don't know if it will make me one hundred per cent happy, as I will always have that extra lump to deal with. But to be honest that is how I feel now, I always feel depressed, I feel so low about myself. It feels like this body of mine limits who I can be as a person as I constantly get scared to do/be/and act myself around my friends in case they question 'that's a boys thing' and if I could only tell them. But I can't, well I could but I'm too scared too.
But you are the one person in the world who I know will always be there no matter what so just to have acceptance of my decision and preferences and support from you would be amazing. I would feel like such a better person about myself if you could support me.

Being called your daughter and all the nicknames you have for me has killed me over the past couple of years, and give me a sense of hate towards you for doing so. I have always felt a amount of hate towards you growing up as I blamed you for everything. You know that, but mainly I blamed you for bringing me into this world. I always wished you hadn't. But now I'm older I realize that I'm in this world for a reason and you didn't choose if you had a son or daughter, its just unfortunate that my mind has been tortured for such I long time.

You know I wanted to be a boy when I was younger, and lyed to people about my gender. It didn't fool anyone but I thought it did only being a kid. After that stopped working and I hated everything, I still do. I hated girls cause they were just so happy with themselves and why couldn't I just been like that, I would of been okay to keep my female body but change my brain so I was happy with myself. But I know that isn't possible. I also hated boys, hated them with so much jealously and envy. Why couldn't I just be them! I thought I liked boys, but I didn't I really just admired them and wanted to be them, not be with them.

When I got to around the age of 11 and 12 this boy thing cause problems for me a lot bigger than I could handle. I could always deal with the other people when I was in primary school but once I hit year 7 it was a totally different game. The fights got a lot for me, so I decided I was never going to school again. It was worse than anything to have to spend a day there. I felt at bottom.

Then you had my baby brother. And I still swear, if it went for the birth of that precious little boy I wouldn't be here today. The overwhelming love I felt for him and the sense or responsibly made me feel I had a purpose. And the feelings I had towards myself suddenly altered, I was good for something. And that was to care and protect this baby as much as I could. I felt I owed mt life to him, and I stupid as that sounds the things that were going thorough my head when I was 11, I really do.

I finally had enough of my school. I couldn't take being there any more. So I made you change schools for me. Starting my new school, I couldn't go through the same thing again! If it went like the last one I really wouldn't have been able to go to school any more. So I decided to follow suit, do what all the girls we're doing. Wear what they did, act like them and chased boys around. I never wanted any of it, and it felt so not me. But I saved a lot of trouble for me at school. But at home my mind was still tortured.

When I was 15 I realized I went the only one. And things could be done about this. I could tell you and not be the only freak in the world, and I could start a medical transition that will make me be who I truly am. The thought excites me more than anything, I desire these changes so much. And although I am trying not to really think about it and concentrate on what's important, like family and college. Its still at the back of my mind no matter how much I try put it off.

I still have the dsyphoric thoughts every day. When I look in the mirror, get a shower or get changed it is a constant reminder of what I really am and it kills me.

I know you would now tell me my ex girlfriend has been a negative influence on me. But this isn't true. I met her right at the time when I really needed someone who I could tell. I told her about my thoughts when we were 13 but told her not to worry as I would never do it I had to much shame to. But a few years went by and she watched me getting really depressed about things she never told or influenced me on what to do. All she ever said to me was 'I want you to be jess, and not change. A lot of people will feel the same but you have to do what's best for you. I'm not saying a transition would be because its a lot of pain. But you have your mum there, tell her and things might improve' her saying that has made me hope you can be there for me with this. And as for all the things you say I'm pretending to like, I can honestly say on my little baby boys heart that's not true. I liked football ect.. As a kid and as I got older and was so ashamed of myself I pretending NOT to like them not now to like them.

I'm gonna stop now cause this is getting long and I just want to let you think about what I have told you so we can discuss it, not argue! But I hope you can support me.
Jay

 

Thanks for all the advice guys!

yeah there are probably loads but my mum knows I've always had trouble with english and writing so I'm not too bothered about this.

Yeah I might consider changing thoase parts george. I'm just trying to get my point accross that I didn't do it on purpose. My mum is one of them people that thinks every time one of her kids do something they do it to get a her becuase we want her to have a misarable life.
So her excuse for me being trans was, you have always hated me, went against me and done anything you could to make me feel bad.(Which could be true to an extent. As the psychatrist told me I have some sort of mood disorder than I'm unsure of what its called, but he said he didn't know if I had a bad temper, mood swings or tantrums when I was younger but if I did this will explain why they were a lot more extreme than normal. But my mum doesn't belive in mental health issies she think your insane or normal and that's that). That's what I'm doing now, in her mind. Purposly pretending I want to be a boy so she feels bad, and I've been doing it all my life because I'm that obbsessive and pathetic.

As for the extra lump. I know that prob seems unclear to you guys but there her words. She called it an extra lump of depressive shit!