I hope you are sitting comfortably. Well this is my first post here and the main reason for finding this site. I have just turned 25 and have come to the realisation that I have now known without any doubt that I am gay for just over 10 years and still I have not come out to my parents, family or friends at home. Wow that sounds pretty bad. I left home at 18 and moved into halls at university for 6 months. Whilst I was at uni I came out to my friends there for the first time, a totally exhilarating and liberating experience. Well after 6 months I decided that the course I was on was not what I wanted to do so I left and moved back home where I went back to my life before uni as if nothing had changed. After running my own business for a while I decided that what I really wanted to do was join the armed forced, so I did and with that I was away from home again. This proved to be the best decision I have ever made; I have made some amazing friends, completed my degree and most of all been completely happy being myself. So what’s the problem? Well every time I am on leave and come back to see my family and friends at home I am reminded of the fact that no one here knows that I am gay and I feel I am hiding an important part of my life from them. I have very nearly come out to both parents and friends on a number of occasions over the years but always found a very good reason not to. Now I really don’t care what people think about me (I am aware a lot of people say that but very few actually mean it) however what I don’t want to do is unnecessarily hurt or cause conflict with my family and I cannot tell my friends without my family finding out. If my close family were to find out their reaction would not be a positive one and I would most probably not be welcome at home after that. As far as my mates go most would be cool with whatever, a couple would avoid me but none of them would say anything negative, at least not to my face, they can be such wimps. As you can no doubt tell I have given considerable thought to this and have always come to the conclusion that coming out at home is not worth the problems it would cause, but how long can I continue to keep my sexuality separate from my life at home? So here is the really question you guys are going to help me answer, do I come out at home or just leave it as it is and ignore the whole thing (everyone loves a bit of denial)? I will bow to you infinite wisdom since I appear to be totally incapable, inept or just purely incompetent when it comes to making this decision.
You can keep it a secret, up until the point where you meet someone you want to be with, and who you want your parents and family to meet. Then it`ll get tricky :icon_wink How do you suspect your family will react to hearing that you are gay? Are you worried that they will not take it well? Honesty is usually the best thing. Are they asking you regularly if you`ve met someone? Or about your romance life? Lol, I don`t think you are doing yourself any favor by calling yourself incompetent :icon_wink (*hug*) Edit: I saw now that you wrote your close family will not take it well. Are there religious reasons? Worries about grand-children? How close are you generally with your family? Would all of them take it just as badly?
Ahh I can’t believe in all that I wrote in my original post I failed to mention my boyfriend, best not tell him about that. So yes I have met someone I want to be with and have happily been with him for 3 years now the last 2 of which we have been living together. Do I want them to meet him is another question, in fact I actually feel a little guilty that I have met his mother and sister and he does not really know anything much about my family. My parents do occasionally ask if I have a girlfriend which makes it very tempting just to say “no but I have a really awesome boyfriend”. Yes I am worried how my family would react. My mother would be hysterical and cry for about 5 days, my youngest brother would not really care, my father and other brother would be disgusted, angry and disappointed and we would no doubt end up in a fight since both are quite openly homophobic. My parents issue would be partly that I would not be giving them grandchildren but more that I was somehow choosing to embarrass them by not fitting in with the social norm; shock horror what will people think when it turns out their apparently very straight son is actually very gay, ohh the shame. To the best of my knowledge my family is not in the least bit religious, other than the obligatory visits to church for christenings, weddings and funerals. My concern is not that my family’s reaction will hurt or upset me but that it is they that will be hurt by their own reaction to me coming out.
On the other side though, you coming out might force them to actually take a good look at themselves and re-evaluate their stance. My mother did. Your mother might cry for 5 days, but after that she might very well grow to accept it. I do think your family will in the end, survive it just fine. Maybe it would be better to send them a letter about it, instead of telling them in person, as you would avoid arguments there and then. They would get some time to think about it and swallow the information until you come down for a visit. In my personal opinion, it`s best to just get it out there, as far as family goes. They will catch on sooner or later anyways, if you get closer to 40 and still haven`t introduced a girlfriend. The sooner you get it out there, the sooner they can deal with it. It does sound like you`ve got a good life outside of your family circle, with some friends and your boyfriend outside of it? So that in the worst case scenario and you need some distance from your family, you`ll still have good people in your life? Another reason to do it, is your little brother. By not being ashamed of coming out at home, you`ll be the flip side of the coin, as far as your father and older brother`s homophobia goes. He needs good role models, with that kind of close family Think about the situation reversed, if he ever has a difficult thing to share with his family, don`t you want to be the one to give him curage to do it? I understand that it`s difficult though, and ultimately you should do what is good for you. However, I can`t help but thinking there`s a reason why the wish to come out has come back several times over the years. We`re here for you, whatever you decide (*hug*)
