Hey guys! :smilewave Eugh, so stressed! As you may have seen from my first post, I'm in a relationship with a guy, coming up to two weeks now (not exactly a milestone! lol) But he's SO clingy. What causes this? He says he wants to see me a MINIMUM of three or four days per week!!! That's OK if you're retired, but I'm not! He does his University course at home (distance learning) and he's unemployed, so he's constantly got nothing to do! Whereas I have all of the following to do in a week: * University (I'm studying to be a Cardiac/Respiratory Physiologist) (about 28hrs) * Hospital Placements (about 10hrs) * Sailing (one of my hobbys) * Seeing other friends * Seeing him * and don't we all like a bit of "alone time"? I dunno what to do. I like him quite a bit, but don't want to "sacrifice" other things for him? What is it that causes someone to be clingy? (*hug*) ---------- Post added 11th Dec 2012 at 03:12 PM ---------- This sounds awful, but he doesn't seem to have many friends, and by the sounds of things, he lost a lot of them... So I think that's another factor to his being clingy ---------- Post added 11th Dec 2012 at 03:20 PM ---------- [Second Edit] I would like it to work with him, which is why I'm asking... But I think it's true that: "When we ask advice, it's because we know the answer and wish we didn't"
It really depends on the person. It could stem from childhood issues (divorced parents, neglect, abuse, etc.). There is also insecurity which usually comes from self-esteem issues (which could be caused by any number of things). I see some red flags with him though...unemployed, lack of friends, and the fact that he's insisting on seeing you three or four times a week (added to the fact that you've only been seeing each other for a couple weeks sounds like there also might be a control issue). I'm not saying you should give up on him but I do think you need to confront him on this. You shouldn't have to sacrifice everything just to be with him. Not sure what else I could suggest other than confronting him and telling him your feelings.
Coming from someone who used to be a clingy person who lost a lot of friends (have become significantly less clingy nowadays and strive to be an independent private person), i think like inthedark4eva has said it generally stems from childhood issues, lack of friends, very self-conscious nature, insecurity etc. I think you need to confront to him about it and be honest that you don't want to sacrifice other things for him. Maybe introduce him to your friends/join some sports clubs/get him to be more outgoing to other etc. It certainly helped me become less clingy
As a person who is sometimes (quite) shamefully clingy, I would say going through pain is the major factor in my case. It always helps when someone tells me bluntly what they think I need to do to better myself within a friendship....to set clear boundaries.
His idea of balance in a relationship isn't exactly the same as yours. He may be bored, but he may be excited and thrilled to have you as a BF and want to spend more time with you. Take a deep breath and talk about it with him, how you handle this bit of expectations and balance will determine how you two handle and work out things in the future. All the best
Clingy behavior is a byproduct of shame and low self-esteem. People who are clingy don't believe, at a deep level, that they are worthy of having someone in a healthy relationship, so the clingyness (jealousy usually goes along with it) is an unconscious way of trying to hold on to the relationship because the person is scared to death they'll lose it. The ironic thing is, the clingy behavior usually drives people away in droves, which makes the shame worse, which further lowers the self-esteem, which makes the clingy behavior worse. So it's a tough call. And you also want to really consider if there are other self-esteem issues. Everyone has shame, and nearly everyone gay has some self-esteem issues, so it comes with the territory, but when it's really extreme, and the person doesn't see it as an issue, or isn't interested in working on it, it can be an enormous exercise in frustration. But... if the person *is* willing to work on it, then it's quite possible to see real, meaningful change. It still takes patience, but it can be worthwhile if most everything else in the relationship is solid.
Depends on the person. Some people just always want to be close to the person they fancy. Especially if that person doesnt have other people to reach out to for support and love and care. Every time they are with that person they may feel more validated as a person and feel more worthy of receiving attention. Talk about it with him.
My girlfriend was clingy in the beginning too. Or rather, I felt she was clingy, but I had been living without being in a relationship for 5 years, I was used to have a lot of alone time, and a lot of family time. For her, who has no siblings that demand time, and who prefers being with others rather than alone, it was a bit problematic to see me only 3 times a week. I talked it out with her, in a nice way, saying that I had to spend some time with my siblings, and also needed at least one day a week for quiet me-time, in order to not get stressed. That I loved spending time with her, but might not be able to spend as much time with her as she wanted. She showed some signs of not dealing with it well, like the first few weeks, if I didn`t respong to messages, she assumed I wanted to break up with her. I assured her that if it ever were that I would want to break up with her, I wouldn`t do it that way, I would tell her straight out, and straight away. I assured her that if I didn`t respond to messages straight away, it was because either I hadn`t seen the text, or I was with my siblings. I told her that when I was with her, I didn`t reply to messages or took phone calls from other people, and the same the other way around, because I feel that when I am to spend time with someone, since I do have to delegate my time, whomever I am with deserve my full attention. It calmed her down a little, and she did appreciate me talking with her about it. So, I would try to explain to him that you do wish to see him and be around him a lot, that you love spending time with him, but that with the studying, your other friends and the required you time, you can`t be with him as often as he wants. Tell him that you would feel like a rotten person if you stopped seeing your friends from time to time, just because you have a boyfriend. And that every once in a while you need an afternoon to just relax and gather your thoughts. That sometimes, having a lot of stuff going on in your life can be very stressful.
Sorry guys for taking so long to get back to you all. I know by the way I'm talking, it sounds as though we've been going out for ages, but what's upsetting me is that he's really "jumped in at the deep end" i.e. has become really attached to me, and it would break my heart to break his, if that makes sense? But, from talking to him (haven't seen him in a few days, and that almost caused World War III) we've decided to meet up tomorrow night to talk things over. It sounds awful, but right now I don't feel I can make such a dedication to him. He, essentially, wants us to be like an 'old married couple'...And I'm only 19!! I think I'm going to make that point, because there is plenty of time for that in later life... And also, from texting him, I dont think his clinginess is "fixable" per se... I don't know...It's just feeling like a massive weight on my chest. I'll update you all on Friday letting you know how it goes. @FemCasanova: I cannot believe how much my situation is like yours! That's what he also said: when I don't text him, he assumes there's something wrong!! Anyway, thank you all for your time
