Hey EC Well, I’ve mentioned this friend before on here, and even devoted a thread to him already. But he’s causing more complications again! Well, the reason I made the first thread was he’s ridiculously homophobic and I was terrified of coming out to him. Well, I did come out to him about three weeks ago; just decided to suck it up and he wasn’t going to change and neither am I, so the point needed to be forced. Messaged him on facebook, explained stuff and very surprisingly, he reacted really well. Despite making several very homophobic statements through our friendship, he just turned round and was like ‘oh that’s cool man, of course it won’t change anything, you’re still cool’ etc etc. I thought great, that’s the end of worrying about him, right? Well, the first week was fine. A little awkward, but he was right, nothing changed. However things turned slightly strange in the second week. We spend a lot of time at college together, we have lessons together and recently we’ve both started taking extra classes(I’m doing it as a favour to him by the way, I’m not required to attend them but he is, just think it might be important to the problem >_>), which means on Wednesday we spent literally about 8 hours together and mostly alone. During lesson, he started getting a little more friendly than he usually is. Like, I know this sounds really immature, but I’m big on personal space and we jokingly agreed to keep our distances (._. sounds so silly but I really f*cking hate people always touching me haha >.>) and stuff. Well last week, his leg kept touching mine, he kept touching my arm and staring at me. I didn’t think much of it except he was trying to annoy me, and it worked haha. Then we walked to McDonalds, and I jokingly said ‘I’m not getting much though, I’m getting bare chubby lately’, and he turned round and was like ‘you joking right? You have the perfect body’. Now not gunna lie, that made me awkward because he NEVER compliments anyone, and honestly, that came across as slightly flirty to me? Anyway, we got to McDonalds and starting talking about the future and he doesn’t know what he’s gunna do. Then he was like ‘We can’t all be like you man, we don’t all have our values and beliefs sorted out at age 18 and passionate about our subjects’, which again threw me off a little. He usually takes the piss out of me and says I take life too seriously, yet now he’s complimenting me again? >_>. Then we walked back to college and sat down in a corridor. I laid down, still facing him, like I do whenever I relax. Then he laid next to me facing me, which again not gunna lie I thought was fairly strange, but then he sat up and said ‘no that’s too gay for me haha’. This behaviour kinda continued through the whole week. But this week, he’s been the complete opposite. Yesterday I spent an hour with him and another bloke, and he went on this huge political crusade of saying how wrong homosexuality is, how disgusting it is and how he wants nothing to do with it. And I just kinda replied ‘you know you’re talking to me right?’ and he quite literally said ‘yes I know, I think you’re disgusting and I’m disappointed in you’. With that I just walked out and went to study on my own. Today it was even worse. During our lesson, he barely spoke to me, barely acknowledged me and at the end of his lesson, quite literally grabbed his stuff and ran out of the lesson. He made me feel like some sort of contagious disease. D:. And he didn’t mention the extra classes at all, so I just went home. I thought that was REALLY rude, since I’m doing it as a favour for him, yet he does that? ¬¬ But yeah, I asked two of my friends what they thought of it and they both said wildly different things. I initially thought him being nice to me was his weird way of trying to reassure me that he’s ok with me, but then one of my friends said that she’s always thought he was gay. She said maybe me coming out has made him more comfortable with himself slightly, but then he got scared and the complete homophobia was the result of that. The other agreed with me, she thinks he’s just trying to make me feel accepted. But if he was doing that, then this week, he’s done a pretty shit job at it… I should mention that he’s not exactly a ‘masculine’ guy (not that has any bearing on his sexuality of course, but it might be relevant). He’s not flamboyant or camp as such, but he’s very much a metrosexual guy and people have often joked that he could be gay, and he’s always reacted very awkwardly at that. Whenever someone says/asks if he’s gay, his face is literally a picture of horror and awkwardness xD. So yeah.. Anyone got any different insight in his behaviour? I don’t know how to act round him now. And after this week, I’m not even sure if I want to be round him at all. Plus I’m ashamed at how I reacted to his homophobia, but truthfully I didn’t know how to react to it. So any tips on dealing with very direct, in your face homophobia too please? Should probably mention that even if he is in any way gay, I don't think I could like him as any more than a friend. Known him way too long for that. TLDR: basically I'd just like an outside perspective on why he could possibly be acting like this and how can I deal with it plzzz?
You trusted him with something so deeply personal to you and he accepted you. Then he felt comfortable enough (and trusted you) to say and do the things he did. That much is clear. Now why he did those things, only he knows. Maybe he wanted to be a better friend. Maybe he wanted something physical or sexual. Maybe your coming out is making him think about himself. (and maybe NONE of these things!) My advice -- keep being a friend to him, just a friend. Trust him, show him you're trustworthy, too. Have fun, be there for each other. You guys have a great friendship. You could bring up with him your coming out, but have it be just about you (not him). If there's more he wants to talk about with you, next step is on him.
This was my thought as well. I have always believed that the definition of homophobia was fear of one's own homosexuality. And this seems to apply to him. If I were in your shoes, I'd handle this one of two ways. Either I would just cut him out of my life completely and avoid any confrontation or I would confront him and tell him I thought that he had some secrets of his own that he needed to deal with and then I'd probably never speak to him again. This is all just my opinion though.
To me it sounds like he may be gay/bi or questioning...he's giving a lot of the signs at least. Plus it is a little odd he started complimenting you once you came out almost like he's into you. The homophobia could be his way of stopping people from thinking he's gay (and maybe his way of convincing himself). You could do a few things but what I would do is talk to him like nothing happened for a bit and then bring up your sexuality and just point out a cute guy. Then maybe start talking about how you know your gay and accept it, that you cant change it and that maybe your even proud of it and maybe he'd open up a bit. Or you could figure out a way he could get onto this forum to talk about things. Of course I could be completely wrong and he is straight and just moody In which case you could try to help him get past his homophobia and all...(but sounds to me like he may be gay to be honest)
I feel you need to confront him about the homophobia he directed toward you yesterday. Tell him that you are being honest with friends about your sexuality and really would like support, and if he can't offer that and instead wants to tear you down, then you don't want people like that in your life. You could say that you don't understand why he went from supporting you to insulting you, but I don't think you should bring up the idea that maybe he has gay feelings himself. It's of course a plausible theory, but really, let him deal with his own issues in his own time.
Jeez that sounds like a harsh response, but I do agree with you and everyone else that maybe he is harboring feelings of his own. Here is what stands out to me in this post: It's only been 2 weeks! Remember it's not just us that have mixed and confused feelings when we come out to people close to us. Sometimes (more often with family and really close friends), there is an adjustment period. In addition to what I said before, it just be that he is still trying to comprehend the fact that part of his assumption of you was wrong. Add that to the fact that he is questioning himself and you got an emotional train wreck on your hands. I had a friend who did the same things with the insults and I eventually said that when he said those things that he was really hurting me and it wasn't cool. Surprisingly that was the end of it, I didn't hear any more gay jokes.
@ inthedark4eva & Jacek, Meh. It's just never occurred to me that he might be anything other than straight. He's really homophobic. I mean, I've heard of denial and using homophobia to cover up feelings, but his homophobia doesn't feel half hearted. If he is anything other than straight, then he must have some real self loathing over himself. I mean, I've known him for 13 years and ever since it became relevant, he's been homophobic. Ironically people have made suggestions that he's gay before, and I've always been in the camp that was pretty adamant that he's straight. It actually happened in a thread on this forum; I posted asking how to come out to him because he's so homophobic, and someone suggested that maybe he himself is gay hence why his homophobia. Straight away I was like 'hah no, if you knew this bloke you'd think he's straight', but his actions lately have made me question that. I just can't imagine him as gay or bisexual though. He probably said the same thing about me though haha. @ olides84, yeah I agree with you normally but I'm just at the point of defeat with him. He's had this attitude so long, I expected he would disown me when I came out to him. I've challenged him over and over again (even before coming out, I was a die hard liberal and didn't tolerate his racist/homophobic/sexist remarks), yet he's never changed. It feels like I'm head butting a brick wall when ever it gets brought up with him. True, but it just shocked me. Wouldn't you think it would be the other way round? Inital response being homophobic and then later accepting and then even later getting too friendly if he is gay. I mean, it just feels really warped and fucked that he went from really accepting, to sort of subtle hints, to complete rejection and homophobia. The only rational response I have is maybe this is more to do with him than me, but then I'm worried that I'm convincing myself he's gay. NOTE: even if he is gay, I don't think I'd ever feel anything more than friendship to him, but I went through a phase where I wanted to befriend a masculine gay man for a while and talk about shared experiences. So I'm worried that I'm going down a path of self delusion in my attempt to meet that guy. >.> Similar to what I said to olides84, but it doesn't work with him. In fact if I had to predict his response, he'd probably make even more offensive remarks to piss me off even more. :l
Not really. Everyone response to that is different. I mean for me when I find out it's more of a "whatever" at this point, but bitd I remember I'd freak out if someone even talked about anything to do with the homosexual part of this world. you know your friend better than the rest of us, we are going off of our experiences with people in our lives. What i will say though, is you obviously felt secure enough to tell him that you where Bi, so there is something about him that you trust. I'd use that as leverage and have a serious conversation with him. Something along the lines of: "I told you something that it took me a long time to come to terms with. I can't stand your insults and bashful comments. If you really are my friend you'll stop or I can't be friends anymore." The only thing with that is you have to be ready for the chance he'll take the "anymore" option.
Yeah I agree, you have a point. But it's still just confusing to go from one point and then jump to the complete opposite point in the space of a week. It's almost like something has spooked him, and I'm not sure what, and I don't want to endure the consequences of his issues. I'll try talking to him, but it'll probably be hard haha. I went from seeing him for 20+ or so hours a week, and this week I've seen him about 3 hours. Tomorrow should be fun, what with him treating me like a disease. ¬.¬ I shouldn't be surprised really; his reaction is what I expected when I came out to him. I just wish he didn't act fine and cool with it for the first two weeks initially though, it gave me false hope that nothing would change, and now apparently everything has changed and he refuses to want anything to do with me. >.>
I'm not 100% sure, but i'd be willing to bet at some point you toggled between the idea of being straight vs gay. It's the same concept.....just applied differently, like I said talk to him (be nice) and apply a little bit of time and he'll come around
