I’ve had times before when I was having boy problems, where I would “jokingly” say, “I wish I could just like girls,” but I had never really thought about it in all seriousness. Yesterday, I had that thought, but for some reason it just stuck. I started really thinking about it, and realized, maybe I DO like girls… My problem though is that since I had that thought, I keep going over the things in my past that may mean I like girls, and the things in my past that may mean I like boys, because I am really confused about my feelings so I am trying to prove it to myself one way or another. I mean, how could I be 23 and never realize at ALL that I like girls?? I was raised very normally, and although my family is very accepting of LGBT, it was never something I even thought about questioning for myself. I have had anxiety and panic attack issues as far back as I can possibly remember, and it causes me to have major control issues over things in my life. I was a huge tomboy growing up, and was along the lines of boys have cooties, but not in a flirty way. In fact, I don’t remember ever having a real crush, boy or girl. Then, in high school I was molested by my older sister’s boyfriend at the time. I am not saying I think this made me “turn” lesbian (if I am?), in fact I think the opposite. I have had 3 relationships with boys since then, one for 3 years and two for a year. None of my relationships felt right though. I always felt really awkward starting them, really life-alteratingly uncomfortable. I always thought that it had to do with my anxiety, and that changes in my life caused panic for me. So I started thinking about them individually and why they may have caused so much discomfort. My first boyfriend, well, he was my first, so that’s why that could have been an issue. My family hated my second boyfriend before we even started dating, so I kept it a secret for a while, which could have caused that stress. My third, nothing really was wrong, but I wasn’t that attracted to him, and kind of forced myself to be because he was a really nice guy at the time and figured I should date a nice guy, so that forcing may have caused the uncomfortableness. All of them have really shitty family lives, financial situations, all of that, but it didn’t matter to me. I started wondering if maybe that was the problem with them. I recently started a thing with a new guy, but this time, he actually has his entire life together, is really nice, funny, attractive, EVERYTHING. But I still don’t really feel any butterflies, and excitement to see him, and felt really weirded out kissing him even though he’s a great kisser. Like I said, this is what happens every time (both relationships and hookups) but I have excuses for the other guys. Not this one. That is what caused me to have all this questioning in the first place. I always trusted and loved the guys I dated, but in a brotherly friendly way almost, and never found myself completely comfortable in my relationships. My relationships were honestly more about the power and control I had over the guy. It’s like I would try to seduce them into giving me power, and once I got it, I was bored and unhappy. I’m wondering if these relationships were born out of my molestation experience, almost like I was trying to gain control over boys’ actions to soothe my anxiety. I know this current guy could just not be the right guy for me, but I am a very very social person, and haven’t found ANY guy that I just want to jump on (or girl, but like I said, I’ve never really given that thought before, so maybe I will if I open myself up to it?). Anyway, all of this thought was just to try to show myself why I maybe had never even questioned my sexuality before; I was too busy trying to gain power over guys because of past experiences. However, like I said, I’ve never really completely connected or been turned on by a guy before (yes, I’ve had sex, and orgasmed, but I had to psyche myself up for it, the guy didn’t really do it for me). I’ve always considered girls to be sexier, but I always thought that it was probably just in a beauty-appreciating way. I rarely have fantasies, but when I do, it’s not with a girl, but it’s more like from the guy’s point of view, like I am the guy. I don’t feel like I am a boy inside, so I wonder if maybe this is my mind’s “straight” way of having girl fantasies? Also, I’ve always been really chill with boys, and they often like me because of that and my looks, but I NEVER like them that way, as I’ve said. However, I have a much harder time with girls because I am so much more shy and care about how they judge me. I also get jealous of my few close girlfriends when they go on dates, not that they have a date, because I usually do too, but more if I didn’t know about it or something. But I always keep it inside so they don’t really know. I’ve made out with a girl once, but it was a drunken college night with a girl that I wouldn’t be attracted to anyway, so it’s not like that would tell me much. I’m reading over all of this, and I apologize for it being so long, but I’m just really confused. I also realize that this sounds like the babbling of someone trying to make something up out of nothing, especially since I only first REALLY had this thought yesterday, but… I feel like there is no way for me to find this out! Other than to go out and experience it, but I don’t really know anyone to help me out with that either.
