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Very long but please read and comment I appreciate it. Thanks!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by TheDude1993, Dec 13, 2012.

  1. TheDude1993

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    Hello there. How’s everyone doing? I wanted to come onto this forum to pose a question. This is a long post, so please bear with me. I apologize for my messy writing style and neurotic thinking in advance… I have come onto this site seeking knowledge, input, and/or experience from gays. I have identified as straight my whole life, and I am a 19 year old male. The problem is that now, I fear as if I might turn gay, or that I already could be gay. I know that that might not really make sense right now, but I will explain in this post with further detail. You see, I believe I have developed something called HOCD. It’s otherwise known as “gay OCD” and it can happen to gays as well, confusing them into thinking that they’re straight when they don’t really feel that way in their hearts. Here is a link to the website where I found the information. They even have forums for this thing, but not many. I match almost every symptom… NeuroticPlanet: OCD and Homosexuality Obsessions (HOCD)

    You see, I was watching a movie a couple of months ago, where I saw this scene at the end where one of the characters who had been going through emotional/anxiety struggles realized that he was just gay the whole time. (I know, probably doesn’t match up with the way that the majority of you guys and gals found out that you were gay. Fuckin Hollywood...) Anyway, I see this and end up freaking out, because I am currently in therapy trying to cope with long time panic attacks, and anxiety. So I hastily put two and two together. “He was just gay the whole time!!! Maybe I’m just gay too!!!” So my heart rate increases, I get really nervous, I start pacing, and ultimately end up feeling sick to my stomach. It kind of makes sense that I could develop something like this. I’ve had low self esteem my whole life, and I also have other mental obsessions. I witnessed a really violent event as a kid, and I’m not a huge fan of violence. Don’t get me wrong, I love my animated series, my shooter games on Xbox, and singing along to lyrics from my favorite death metal bands, but real violence is something I tend to avoid. Sometimes, I can’t even look at a hammer or a bat, without covering the top of my head with my hands, as if someone is going to hit me there with such an object. Now, you guys have to understand that I am not homophobic at all. I am not racist either. And even though I am not a religious person, (Probably only set foot in a church 5 times in my life, because I don’t agree with the majority of their teachings and the way that Christianity ostracizes people.) But I still accept people for their beliefs and for who they are. Because I honestly believe that the only way that our species can continue to exist for all the right reasons is to have acceptance and an open mind. We all breathe oxygen; we all bleed red blood… Back to what I was saying though, I brought up that point because many people who have homophobia are just closeted gays who have repressed homosexual desires. I don’t really think that I fit that bill. Here is some more information about me: I have only ever been able to get horny around girls, or thinking about having sex/making love with them. I have had physical contact with girls in my life, (about 7 times) and even though I am still a virgin, when I made out with all of the women I had felt attraction for in my life, I was able to get an erection while we swapped spit. Or while I gave them a massage, or talking to them while enjoying their voice, or completely ignoring everything that they say while imagining what it would be like to be inside them. Hell, I’ve even gotten hard around girls that I would NEVER even fuck. Haha, like, this one girl was just a friend, and she didn’t really have a hot face, but, she had big tits for a developing 8th grade girl, and I sat next to her alone on a field one day, and put my arm on her shoulder to comfort her. The next thing I know, I look down and I’m beginning to get rock hard!!! I had to walk away cause I didn’t want her to see my erection. Or this chick who worked at salvation army who came out to smoke a cig on her break. She starts talking to me on the bench, and as I gauge the size of her chest and round ass and turn to face her I begin to get hard because I think shes into. Totally not the chick I would ever go for, but she tells me that shes split from her bf and has a kid. I guess this excites me being a male an all. My duty is to fuck her and make her have my kid and hope for the worst for the other one. (That’s not how I logically think, that’s just human nature, haha, I actually like kids!) Now keep in mind, I am not ashamed that physically unattractive girls have given me erections in my past, (only about 4 unattractive girls, while ALLLLLLL of the others have been ones that I easily would’ve fucked/dated If I ever got a chance with them) I just bring this up because maybe it says something about who I am? Ya know, being able to get aroused with not only beautiful 8s, 9s, and 10s, but also with 4s, 5s, and 6s. I’d like to think that I have standards, but maybe I’m wrong? Haha. I have only ever had sex dreams about women. On top of that, I have only ever been in love once, and that was with a really beautiful, but more importantly, special individual to me, and even though it didn’t work out, I still think about her. My first crush was a girl as well, back in second grade, and I’ve never had a physical attraction to a guy ever in my life. Now that doesn’t mean I can’t look at a guy and admit that he’s an attractive individual, I just see no point in possessing him is all. My body has never given me an erection thinking about anyone of my sex. In fact, I actually tried to watch a couple minutes of gay porn when I started to get worried, just to see if it would even do anything for me, and it didn’t. Just not the same as watching hot girls take dick I guess. I have this ability to almost instantly become aroused if I think of me having sex with a, attractive girl, and I tried to imagine what that would be like with a guy, and I really did, but I just couldn’t put myself in that position. Like, I had to think about two guys doing it, because the thought of me doing it not only makes me uncomfortable, but even imagining kissing another guy makes me spit sometimes. As soon as I try to imagine kissing another dude, I just can’t continue. I just can’t live without curves, big tits, round asses, and little feet I guess. All things that most attractive girls have, and gay dudes don’t. I have only ever masturbated to women, as you can probably guess at this point, with and without porn, (I actually do better without porn) and I have only ever felt guilt when I think of taboo stuff, and the guilt doesn’t happen after I cum, it happens when I imagine what people would think/say if they knew these things. (Like doing really really dirty stuff to friends’ moms that you all probably don’t need to hear…) The first person I ever masturbated too was my 6th grade teacher in fact… haha she was bangin. Now I realize at this point that I have already given what seems like sufficient evidence that I am straight, I mean, there’s no doubt that I find girls attractive, but, why do I feel scared that I’m going to lose those feelings? Why do I feel that I might not enjoy sex the first time that I experience it with a woman? Why is my brain fucking with me and stressing me out? Have any of you ever had anything like this happen but with the opposite sex? For example, did any of you gay guys ever think, or get worried that you might like women? This is just so confusing. Idk, I guess I’m just confused then? Like, even seeing a pic of a cute girl on facebook can get me hard if I haven’t yanked it in a couple days. I was even at a funeral for one of my mom’s friend’s moms (you know how I love those GMILFs! :wink: haha jk jk) who died at age 91. I see the dead woman’s granddaughter there who happens to be 25 years old. She looks good, wearing all black with a low-cut shirt. Then, out of nowhere, with this stuffed corpse sitting nearly two feet away from me, I begin to imagine what it would be like to fuck this girl. I wanted her to take the empty seat next to me, then make her way on to my lap cowgirl style. I just wanted everyone to leave the room so I could rip this chick’s clothes off and fuck her balls deep on the floor. Giving grandma one last show before we drop her in the ground. Haha, I know, I’m a sick fuck, but, whatever at least I’m honest. So what do you guys think? I have other obsessive compulsive tendencies, and phobias, and anxiety, which are all kind of precursors to even more OCD conditions. I would really like to get some input on this subject matter, and once again I apologize for how long this post was. I was just really trying to get as much as I could in here. I just figured I would get the opinions of actual gays who know about their about their own bodies better than some scientific study or something. Give me some stories of your journey, or tell me about the first time you knew you were gay. I don’t believe that I am gay, I just think that it would help to compare it to my life, and maybe help me see that I’m just chock full of neurosis, and that nothing has changed with me. Thank you for your time.
     
  2. BudderMC

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    Hey there, and welcome to EC.

    Well, you already seem to know the basics about differentiating between gay and straight. If you're gay, you're a guy who's sexually and/or emotionally attracted to guys. Since you don't fit that bill, you probably aren't gay. Simple as that.

    However, HOCD as a separate condition from OCD is not generally regarded as a real thing (i.e. the DSM does not recognize it as a proper disorder). HOCD is something that's often referred to by people who are in denial of sorts to get themselves out of "being gay". Now, that said, OCD is obviously a very real condition, and it's quite possible to have manifestations of obsessions/compulsions regarding being gay. To put it into perspective better, when people are here mention HOCD what they're referring to is the spontaneous beginnings of homosexual obsessions with no prior OCD symptoms. Is it possible that one's OCD is just beginning to manifest and only in that manner? Sure, but it's unlikely - hence why it's regarded as more of an "excuse" or "justification" for one's actual denial.

    It sounds like you have proper OCD, especially if you have other obsessions/compulsions, though none of us here are professionals, nor is it our place to diagnose you. If you do have other OCD-like symptoms, I'd suggest you speak with a therapist/psychologist/etc. about that (if you aren't already), because that is something that should have professional treatment. They'll be able to help you better in that sense than we ever will, unfortunately.
     
  3. RainbowBright

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    Agree with above. This topic is covered at length in the thread "This has become too much for me" by cantsleep, started Oct. 29th.
    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/support-advice/73786-has-become-too-much-me.html

    Read through it, it's the best advice you're going to be able to get here for the topic, since OCD for straight people is not really a specialty of this website. I hope reading it won't further trigger your OCD, because it is pretty obsessive, but by the end it becomes apparent to the OP that this is really not about being gay. And incidentally, you can't "turn" yourself gay by thoughts, that does not exist. The only thing that can happen is you can think gay thoughts because you already ARE gay, but the thoughts don't change your sexuality any more than people who are born gay can think hetero thoughts until they finally find them sexy - it just doesn't happen. If you don't naturally find the idea of you being with another dude sexy, like without even trying to think about it it constantly appears in your head how hot a guy is or how much you like kissing one or want to have sex with one, you're not gay.
     
    #3 RainbowBright, Dec 13, 2012
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2012
  4. Lad123

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    I agree with BudderMC and RainbowBright. You seem to be straight.

    Going off-topic but this got me worried. Your duty is to have sex with her and make her have another kid so that the other kid becomes abandoned/neglected? This is not human nature at all.
     
  5. TheDude1993

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    No Lad. I meant that it is human nature, from the perspective of living in a tribal existence millions of years ago, to want to breed with as many attrative women as possible and not give a shit about what happens to the children of your competitors. Whether you like to believe it or not, we are selfish in nature, and in our genes. Our whole biological point of existence is to mate and spread our genes. At all cost, without any regret for what else happens. Thankfully now though, we HAVE morals. Some of us more than others...
    Anyway, thank you all for your responses. I will have to read through that other thread later on. It's funny, cause I was at one of my hypnotherapy sessions today. And as I sat in the office and waited, I met these two young girls who were waiting to be seen by someone else in the building. They work together, and I was really nervous to talk them. As usual, I was just hoping they would look over at me and start a conversation. Eventually, thanks to some laughter that they instigated, I got what I wanted, and almost immediately after the first couple of minutes, I felt calm and in the zone. The only reason I bring this up is because I was CLEARLY able to tell which one I would engage in sexual behavior with, and which one I would prob pass on in an instant. I guess that doesn't even register for gays because you guys can't find attractive for girls at ALL. Even girl that you know are attractive looking, right? Basically, this is what I'm getting at; Have any of you guys ever felt a strong attraction that you knew was real, (either physical, emotional, or both) for a woman before? And also, if you could, describe what you mean by "emotional connection". When I hear that term, I assume that it means having a deep feeling(s) for someone that goes beyond sex. Like the kind of person that you dream about, and would stay in a relationship or build a relationship with. Does that sound about right?
     
  6. TheDude1993

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    Hey Rainbow, I wanted to tell you. I read through as much of that post that you recommended that I could. That was a shit ton of neurosis. I don't exactly know what to make of it all...haha. Wow. I guess this is very real huh? This is scary.
     
  7. RainbowBright

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    If it's too much to read, skips towards the end, at least it resolves there in some recommendations.