Hi guys, I'm still kind of new here, and I have this story I just need to get off my chest. I'm a 20 year old female, raised by my grandparents in a very strict old-fashioned household. I grew up going to a southern baptist church every Sunday. I'm not sure exactly when the thought first crossed my mind. You know, the one that says "...are you sure you're straight...?" Ive been with way more men than I'd like to admit, and while i thought I was happy with them, I never felt satisfied. Never had an orgasm with a man. And for as long as I can remember, I've watched lesbian porn. It made me feel dirty, the fact that I would prefer to watch my same sex getting it on, compared to what is considered "normal". At 13, a few friends and I decided to get shit face wasted with a bottle of quervo and wild turkey. I ended up on a bed with my best girl friend, making out. And i was so embarrassed after that, that I made myself put a move on one of the guys there. For the longest time I wouldn't drink alcohol out of fear that something like that would happen again. Because that would be admitting that I'm not totally straight. At 18, something happened again. I was with some friends playing circle of death, and there was a lesbian there that I knew had a thing for me. I wasn't attracted to her in particular, but we had sex that night. Or I guess I should say, I went down on her, and then she fell asleep, lol. At this point though, all of my encounters had been with a mix of alcohol. Then, about 5 months ago I met Brit. There was something about her from the moment we picked her up from the airport. We would bicker and fight like old friends, or an old married couple. then it would progress. We would wrestle around on the couch. Pretty violently, honestly. But I was kind of afraid that if I stopped the assault, she might kiss me...and it scared the shit out of me. Then one night, she asked me if i felt whatever it was between us, if I liked her, or was I just playing around. I was too scared to be honest and tell her yes...so I just said IDK. Months went by where we talked on the phone every day, and text each other in between. I started to fall in love with her. I saw her again a few weeks ago, and I had a wonderful taste of what it would be like to be with her. We did nothing more than kiss, and cuddle. But I want to take care of this girl. To make everything bad in her life go away, and just replace it with my love. Sadly though, she's pushing me away. She told me such amazing things to my face, how she wants to start a family with me one day etc. And now, after I fought so hard to win her heart, I feel like nothing weve been through matters. She tried telling me that all she is going to do is break my heart, and that I'm better off just pretending she doesn't exist. When I tried to fight back, she got nastier, and said some things that I would rather not even thing about. I miss her more than anything else I've ever experienced. Like, why tell someone day in and out that they are all you want...then when they are finally yours, decide you want it no longer? Please tell me not all women are like this.
omg I relate to almost everything you said. I also thought I liked men for the longest time but never really enjoyed being with them. I have the same fear that I'm going to fall for a girl and she'll just leave me like that. *hugs* I know it isn't easy. I had a huge crush on my close girl friend and she was straight so I never told her. I stayed friends with her and kept my feelings for her a secret because if being her friend was the closest I'd get it was enough. I know that agonizing feeling of loneliness.
